Here I was ready to write about different ways to get rid of or dodge unwanted guests, thanks to my recent dealings with a certain someone, but what do you know? Life had some other plans altogether!
Monday mornings have this dexterity to curveball plans into something entirely different. Well, that’s exactly what happened today. So, if you find this post tedious or too serious, blame it on Mondays, not me!
Moving on.
What is your take on problems or obstacles?
Have you noticed how we always feel that ours are the biggest and the harshest of the lot? Whenever anything goes wrong we scream about life being unfair, especially on us. Or, simply that for some God-forsaken reason the grass just doesn’t grow green on our side of the divide. While it can be true, not denying that, it is not exclusive only to us.
Everyone has their own demons to fight.Or, their battles to win.
Trust me, just like us, there are others who don’t win every battle, every time. But do you know what the sad thing is? Sometimes people don’t even win the war.
But what am I getting at?
Since we all have our share of troubles you would think we would be sensitive to each other’s plights as well. But the truth, sadly, is far from it.
There is a peculiar sadistic delight we seek in rubbing one’s worries on their faces.
While talking to a few friends of mine I realized how eager we are to intensify each other’s pain. Each of them had a story to share about that aunt or acquaintance who crossed the line into hurting them in the guise of concern.
Take the example of married women in India who do not yet have a child, are trying to have a child or choose not to have a child. Here’s what happens.
- The woman, more than the man, is subjected to uncomfortable questions about her fertility.
- She is made to feel that motherhood is everything there is to a woman’s life.
- If the woman has any other health issues, she is constantly badgered about those accompanied by unsolicited advice on how to tackle that into having a baby.
- If the couple decides to not have a child, the woman is made to feel awful about her decision.
I have just mentioned a few things here. Believe me, when I say this, there is more. It’s all true too because these are not derived from reading some news reports or a figment of my imagination. These are conclusions I have arrived at after having spoken to many of my friends and colleagues over the years. And being married for almost 5 years now, I have faced a fair bit of nonsense from these nosy buffoons as well.
10 Things You Shouldn't Ask A Woman. #Woman Share on X
For some reason, we find it reasonable to hit where it hurts or pull someone down further. Sometimes we do it without even realizing it. Yes, that’s how normal (not) it is to do that here. We poke our nose in a business which is not really ours, time and again. Strange thing is, we don’t even care if that eventually hurts someone. We don’t care if our poking leaves a long-term impact on the psyche of someone.
I usually deal with unsought advise by making it clear in no uncertain terms that it is only my business and nobody else’s. If they can be shameless, what’s stopping me from being blunt? But not everyone is the same.
I don’t know why we as humans do that. Do you?
But I can tell you this that there are certain things we shouldn’t even dare ask someone, let alone a woman. We need to know our limits. We need to know where to draw the line.
So, maybe the women our there need to put up a list to thwart these nonsensical inquiries. A list saying which questions shouldn’t be asked of them ever. Maybe walk with copies of this list into a room full of these praying mantis types?
What do you say?
Here is a list that I can think of. You are welcome to add yours here.
- Are you pregnant?
- When are you having a baby?
- Are you planning to have a baby?
- What it’s been a year and still no baby?
- Why don’t you get yourself checked since no good news yet?
- Why don’t you want to have a baby?
- When are you giving us the good news?
- Are your cycles fairly regular?
- You had a baby girl. Good. Now, when are you planning for the boy baby?
- When are you planning for the second baby?
Seems I covered all variations for married women, well, almost. Why don’t you add on to the list too?
You've read my mind or what?! I am so done dealing with all this shit, trust me…!! What I don't get is what is their problem if I am not planning the baby yet..! 5 years sounds awesome.. I have completed only 3,and it feels like 30..the way people ask questions and up their unsolicited advice..!!!
This is one thing that seriously pisses me off..!! I mean come on.. let me breathe!!
Thanks for sharing 🙂
Cheers
Those kinds of questions are so annoying and invasive, and definitely unwelcome! I've had to deal with them a lot over the years, as my husband and I didn't (and don't) plan on having children. It happens a lot less now that we're older, which I suppose is one advantage to aging! 😉
Hahaah – crazy questions- what happened to people minding their own business… Argh! must be hard – I guess a solution would be to just ignore them, but I guess some are the more refuse-to-be-ignored-type….. ? I so agree though – these are no-no questions..
Hi Nabanita
I have gone through all these silly questions. It gets really irritating and depressing.
My MIL feels that I am the most free person with no work to do as I don't have kids yet. She keeps on asking what I do after coming from office? She thinks I am the most useless person with no kids.
But that is her mental level, I just ignore such comments.
I have gone through all of these when even after 3 and a half years of marriage there was no baby coming into sight for the parents, in-laws and other people. Everybody said ek to hona hi chahiye. They made me believe into their philosophy. But when I had my baby and went through the difficult times post delivery and into the first 2-3 years, none of those people apart from my parents came to my help. Nowadays it is the last question which gets thrown into my face but I have turned deaf and dumb and numb. I know I can't deal with 2 kids to bolte raho jo bolna hai.
I have gone through all of these when even after 3 and a half years of marriage there was no baby coming into sight for the parents, in-laws and other people. Everybody said ek to hona hi chahiye. They made me believe into their philosophy. But when I had my baby and went through the difficult times post delivery and into the first 2-3 years, none of those people apart from my parents came to my help. Nowadays it is the last question which gets thrown into my face but I have turned deaf and dumb and numb. I know I can't deal with 2 kids to bolte raho jo bolna hai.
Let me add another question here.. Hope you are not using any precautions?
I mean aarrghh.. I dont want to discuss this with you lot. I didnt get questions on the first one. But, it was for the second one. My 2 kids have a 6 year gap and nobody would let us sleep (pun unintended). We had no time to look at each other and the family wanted a second child. We did have eventually, but only when we felt, we were ready.
And I thought educated women had stopped asking unwanted personal questions. Clearly, some haven't learnt any lessons.
Sigh, just ignore. Easier said than done though.
Nice one Naba 🙂 people think there is no other better work after marriage.It's not just about people questioning a married women about having kids, some people just don't know to bother about their own business, they keep waiting to put others down and hurt by their comments .Here are some more irritating questions.
-Why are u wearing western dresses, u are married
now.
– The jewellary you wore during your wedding was gold or artificial.
-Your husband is getting thinner are you not cooking food at home?But no one is ever bothered to ask a women abt her health.
You covered almost all questions Nabanita. Yes, i too faced some of them and I am sure every married woman faced some of these. This invasion to privacy is irritating and i tend to ignore these questions mostly.
Woman worst comes when these questions get asked on your birthday 😐 I feel you I feel you here!
You should try new positions :p :p
I am only saying this because I don't want you to have complications later..
First child should be born before 30..second one whenever you want
few things I've heard
Oh yes to all of this. My husband was never asked questions like this, but I had to deal with them all the time.
After our first baby (a girl) – "When are you having your second?"
After our second (a boy) – "So great, you have one of each – when is your husband getting snipped/fixed?"
After our third (a girl) – "Why did you ruin your family by having another baby?"
This could be a very long list by the time everyone is done chiming in. 😀
I guess we just don't understand the concept of privacy…
Looks like we need to launch an offensive to stop them!
Wonder what good knowing whether we have children or don't does to people ..
Aging does have it's benefits, I guess 🙂
Oh minding ones own business seems to be out of fashion Eli, or I'm told it has been so for a long time now 🙂
Yes, you can't change the mental incapacity of these folks
Ignore, give it back, do what you deem fit to fight these people off 🙂
True Anamika…
These people are only good at poking and pushing people to the corner, of no help anyways..That's why we should do what we think is good for our life
Oh yes..how could I forget that one? 'Stop using pills, if you are using any'!
Sigh!
Why are people so hell bent on forcing married couples into a corner or an ugly retort!
Oh the majority haven't stopped Alka!
Ohh don't even get me started on that Shwetha…
The wife is supposed to be the care taker of the husband… You know wear what you want, do what you want and if they annoy you too much give it back on their face…It's satisfying to see them embarrassed and dumbstruck 🙂
Good Mahathi..I usually like to see them embarrassed when I give a retort they don't expect… 🙂
Ahh brutal!
Ohh I have been seeing too many of my colleagues going into depression because of such questions…Makes me so damn angry!
haha..Oh God..for the first one I would have said have you tried any, can you show us please ! 😀
Yes, this malaise does afflict our society. I guess we just can't keep our curiosity in check. Sad state.
Makes you wonder if they know that it takes a man and a woman to make a baby! Sigh!
I agree Traci..
10 is just the beginning, the list I know could be very, very long!
I know Rachna…It is a sad state indeed!
Nice post. I feel very difficult asking any question related to this topic
Thank God for people like you 🙂
Am waiting to 🙂
Totally agree. I got a lot of these – especially when applying for jobs. Nice write up,
yaar india ki population waise bhi explode hone wali bhi yet everyone's only concern is why there's no baby!! tell me about it. Some of my close friends do ask, just as any other question which is quite normal. They don't pester and we end up talking about how parents and mils keep hinting we are getting old. 😛
Thankfully I am at a place where no one's concerned about whether you have babies or pets or none.
Oh no! Not again. This poking one's nose in another person's business is such a bad habit and nuisance.
You have commented as well on my post on the same topic – http://happinessandfood.com/please-dont-ask-me/
these questions are why women hate talking about pregnancy and its why Aunties in Indian Big Fat Weddings are badnaam !
Thats the most common question asked and if you're unmarried, when?
Oh How I hate these questions! I have been asked many variations of these questions. We had our first one a week after we celebrated our 2nd anniversary. For some that was a loong wait! Now getting questions about 2nd one since my son turned one year. He will be 6 this december. 🙂 It is such an irritating question. My sister just had her first baby and that's after 6 and a hal years of marriage. The questions and pesterings she had to deal with was limitless. The sad thing is when even educated and good friends start saying now it's your time to have a baby.
Hi Nabanita,
Dropping first time on your blog from Indiblogger.. Great views I must say.. I love the way you write on "Topics of women being asked weird question"..Great writing and thoughts.. Btw do drop your two cents on mine too!
"How can it be that any women doesn't want to become a mother ASAP after marriage… koi aurat jaldi maa banna kaise nahi chah sakti hai?"
Simple and succinct reply to these offensive questioners : "None of your effing business."
Woman*
I was once asked by an educated and independent woman, a senior and respected professional in the industry:
Her: Are you married?
Me: Yes
Her: Do you have kids?
Me: No
Her: Why?
Me: What the… ?
Thanks Ami ..
You got to hear these while applying for jobs! Oh my, that's another low we have taken to!
Lucky you..I think we should be left to ourselves to decide when the time is right…What gets my goat is how much these affect women…!
haha what to do Parul..A few of my colleagues were really depressed which made me write this…
Completely agree Najm Nisa!
I agree Manasa!
Oh I have hated these too Vinitha and often given choicest of retorts…We will kids or not as per our wishes..what's it to anyone!
Thanks so much..Would surely drop in to read your posts 🙂
oh God! What is it with people!
You are right, none of their effing business
Should have told her because it's my womb and my life! 😀
Offensive and invasive, yet sadly, extremely common.
And it doesn't stop even when you have a child. This is the list of questions I have been subjected to after having my son.
1. Why only one child?
2. Don't you need to have a daughter to "complete" the family?
And when I say, no, we just want one, that's it; the most annoying question/statement follows.
3. I hope you know that a single child is a lonely child; it will be difficult for him to be a well rounded individual.
😐 😐 😐
So, you have my vote. Let's print out a copy of this list and hand it out to these people.
Great list and comments. I've heard:
"Are you sure you're doing it right?"
or from men, "I'd get you pregnant, do you want me to try?" !!!!
"Don't you like children?"
etc. The list is endless. It's bad enough here in NZ – I imagine it is worse in India.
Done…I'll get the papers in the printer..you give print 🙂
Oh my that is disgusting! how could they say that…
Well, I don't know about NZ but it's pretty usual here to poke & prod in others business
Sorry you're going through this. The fact that it happens to all of us doesn't make it any easier to put up with. I've learned that it's okay to be rude and shut them up once and for all, because their questions are rude too!
Have been on the receiving end of such questions for many years. I know how that feels. I have had practice answering all sorts of such questions. Even now when I am happily almost-50 when someone new asks me about my children and I tell that that I don't have any, there is for a moment or two some discomfort on their faces, as if they don't know how to reply or how to move the conversation further. I have learned to see humor in such situations 🙂
Faced the barrage myself and can relate to how people feel. Though, in my case, the sense of being enraged was far more and they pretty much stopped asking once they knew I wasn't responding to that question at all. But the speculations kept going on behind my back, so much as that when I actually became a mother after eight years of marriage, people were in for a shock because they had given up on my chances by then! Nosey folks will never stop, no matter what, but, it's up to us to choose to ignore it and not let it interfere with our plans and our lives.
so much so*
loved this very sensible piece
🙂 I had an aunt who was happiest when she was unhappy or poking uncomfortable interrogation at someone. Unfortunately there are too many people who enjoy doing this – not only to those who they think need their unsolicited advice to run their life, but also to those who seem to meet the standard "requirements" related to life status/children/career/family. If there are no kids, why? if there's only one kid, why only one?
The world we live in is not always kind…and it is up to us how we respond. Granted, it can get really painful sometimes. When my Mom passed away, everyone wanted to know if I would now go back to work – as though I'd been sitting idle. When son went to college, everyone wanted to know what I was going to do. I mean, we do have lives, yet people love to get their kicks from useless convo. Except that they deserve the kicks …of the real kind.
Hugs! You take care of yourself, Naba.♥
Oh it isn't me Corinne…I wrote this after seeing the pressure on my friends but I have been asked these questions often as well…But yes it's okay to be rude to shut them up once and for all..
Oh sometimes I do that too…I guess people need to understand it's a personal decision whether to have kids or not..But we have huge boundary issues, don't we?
I agree Esha…I think they need to stay within their limits and understand it's not something they need to decide…
Thanks Sweta 🙂
I agree Vidya…You are right it is up to us how we respond and we should not let them get to us…
And thanks, you take care of yourself too 🙂 <3