Motherhood. There are so many books and posts on motherhood that whatever I say here will probably have already been said. Nevertheless, writing is cathartic. It has always helped me understand myself and my thoughts better. So, I shall write. Motherhood. What comes to your mind when I say motherhood? Various things, I’m sure. For some, it might be the culmination of a woman’s existence, while for others, it is a choice. Those are not the only points of view available. For me, motherhood is subjective, an individual choice and a personal journey. No two mothers are the same. Most importantly, motherhood isn’t the sole purpose of a woman’s existence.

Does deciding for or against becoming a mother make you special?

Motherhood is highly idealised in our society and becoming one seems to be the default path for a woman. It isn’t. There is a sort of tone-deafness in the way motherhood is talked about by many if not all. Sometimes by mothers, while at times, by those who choose not to be one. Now, I’m a mother. But is my role as a mother something to show off and be glorified as an accomplishment? Well, I don’t think so. It is a choice, a private journey, and fortunately for me, I didn’t have to face the agonising ordeals that women go through when they want to be one. Does that make me special? No, if anything, it makes me ordinary, inconsequential. And if I had chosen not to become one, would that make me special? Also, no.

A Life’s Work by Rachel Cusk

Motherhood is tough. It is exhausting and relentless. It is rewarding too, but a woman is more than just her ovaries and fallopian tubes. She has to be, no? A Life’s Work by Rachel Cusk is a lot of things, but for me, it is a cry for help from someone who perhaps was always shown the shiny side of motherhood or giving birth. This is probably what happens when we whitewash all the unglamorous aspects of motherhood. Hence, it is important to think and take this step because honestly, even after considering the enormity of it, motherhood hits you like a tsunami.

God forbid if you are above 35, that same power will ensure you go through debilitating pain, mental and physical, on your journey to motherhood.

I don’t know why Rachel Cusk decided to call this book A Life’s Work, but it makes sense. Motherhood is a life’s work. It starts well before you realise you want to be a mother. I don’t know about you, but I feel like women’s bodies are made by a sadomasochistic power that wants us to feel pain throughout our lives. Why do we need to bleed buckets every month? Why does our lining need to be shed, causing us pain and inconveniences every month for decades? Cysts, fibroids, PCOS, Endometritis, the list is endless.

If that wasn’t enough, there is this biological clock that says you need to have children, should you want to, before you are even ready in your 20s. Because god forbid if you are above 35, that same power will ensure you go through debilitating pain, mental and physical, on your journey to motherhood. The path to becoming a mother is traditionally fraught with pain of varying degrees, and that should be an indication that this role is anything but easy. Like she says, it’s a life’s work.

A woman is more than just her ovaries and fallopian tubes.

A Life’s Work starts after the fact. It starts from the point when you come home with a human who is dependent on you. You suddenly realise life won’t ever be the same. And despite what anyone says, you can never be prepared for that. One thing that hits you when you read this book is that Cusk doesn’t epitomise motherhood. And I’m so glad for that. In a personal capacity, yes, it’s a huge moment in a woman’s life. But beyond your threshold, you are just another woman who has given birth, not the first. It is the difference many fail to recognise.

There should be more books on the underbelly of motherhood, for women to make informed decisions.

This book is an extremely raw account of Rachel Cusk’s thoughts after becoming a mother. There were moments in the book where I thought, I know that feeling! I knew that sensation when she talked about the realization that she could never return to her old life. Tell you what, I feel that even now at times. Knowing I will never be that carefree person, not having been one for a while, is scary. But it is there.

A few years back, when I had to rush to Guwahati because my dad was in the hospital, M was with S in Bangalore. That was the first time after having her that I had travelled alone. That was the first time I had slept alone at home. And I felt free for the first time in years. I missed her, yes. But I also somewhere savoured being an individual.

When Rachel Cusk talks about finding it difficult to express her thoughts about being a mother, I understand her. The motherhood economy will make you believe you are failing as a mother if you don’t perpetuate the glittery aspects of motherhood. But motherhood is anything but glittery. It is messy and exhausting. Motherhood alters your body, but even before that, becoming one is a life’s journey in itself for many. 

The motherhood economy will make you believe you are failing as a mother if you don’t perpetuate the glittery aspects of motherhood.

Rachel Cusk’s book shows the first few months of being a mother. I love that she doesn’t apologise for saying motherhood is difficult. I love that she doesn’t perpetuate this stereotype that any light shone on the prosaic side of motherhood has to be appended with oh, but I love my child. As a first-time mother back in the day, I too tried not to idealise motherhood. I still don’t. As a new mother, or even when you have been a mother for years, it’s okay if you don’t like all of its aspects.

A Life’s Work is a book about the uncomfortable facets of motherhood, unfiltered and unapologetic. Having said that, as a book, I wish it read better. In places, it felt dense and repetitive. While I empathised with the subject matter, the writing failed to make that much of an impact on me, if that makes sense.

The Underbelly of Motherhood

Honestly, I would love to see the humdrum side of motherhood, and it should be discussed more. Many a time, I have seen women going into motherhood without even thinking about it. So many women think having 2 kids is a norm without taking into account how much that will take out of them. So, it is the dirt, I’m interested in. I don’t want lectures on changing to a cloth diaper or what I should feed my kid! Mothers should be allowed to do what’s convenient for them without being sermonised.

I want to read about how tough it is for many women to become mothers. I want to listen to how they go through physical and mental pain while carrying on everything else. These stories of resilience are worth telling. These need to be shared to understand the various dimensions of the journey to motherhood. I want to read candid accounts that add to the understanding of something as life-alerting and life-threatening as motherhood and pregnancy. I want to read honest takes which are more than maternity photoshoots.

There should be more books on the underbelly of motherhood, for women to make informed decisions. Rachel Cusk’s book, for me, was an attempt in that direction, not the finest book on motherhood, slightly falling short of my expectations, but one without the fluff, which is how it should be.

Well, that’s all for today. Do share your thoughts.