Dear Blog, I have nothing to say.

How have you been? I have been pondering what to write about, but I can’t seem to zero in on a topic. So, let me ramble on today. It’s mid-March already, M’s exams are going on, and my work life is a series of deadlines and so stressful. I have come to understand that sincerity is a much-exploited quality. But I don’t want to talk about work. 

Dear Blog, I Have Nothing To Say

In other news, M has been playing in an under-10 Football development league these past few weeks, and I must say this mom is so proud. I was not a kid who took part in sports. I loved watching football and cricket matches on TV growing up and even our inter-school basketball matches in Shillong, but I was never one for playing myself. I love that M is nothing like me. My heart swells with pride when I watch her play, the only girl in her team. Wins or not, Goals or not, I find it incredible that this human was once inside me and now is a person on her own. But I must admit it is nerve-wracking for me. I want her to win and score goals. On days she isn’t able to, or when her team loses, my heart breaks for her and her team. Of course, failures and disappointments are part and parcel of life, and I can’t shield her from these. The sooner she learns, the better. Playing sports is just a great way of doing that. It is one of the reasons S also takes her for football coaching, no matter how tired he is. Last Sunday was the final, and I was so tense. I don’t know how she does it, putting herself out there and exposing herself to chances of failure. But her team won. The kids did great. I must say I’m proud of her team and of my girl. I want to keep seeing her soar in whatever her heart wants. I know there will be some finals she will lose, but I will be there on those days to soothe her.

You know, dear blog, I wish to wear sarees to work. Soft cotton sarees. If I don’t romanticize my life, who will? But my mornings are so busy. Packing tiffins and braiding M’s hair, then barely being able to bathe before catching the office shuttle, where is the time to wear a saree? Who are these people who have so much time in the mornings? Young people, I guess. Why wasn’t I carefree in my 20s? Opportunity lost, sigh! But maybe I’ll make up for it during M’s summer vacation.

Since we have approached the subject of summer vacation, do you know these days, most of the moms in the office are worried about managing their kids during summer vacations while working from the office? It is understandable as well. Not everyone has parents or parents-in-law staying with them. Also, why should we dump our kids on our parents? I wish this wouldn’t be a pain point at all. Participation of women in the workforce will only increase when companies do not give such stress. But then, how will it change if men making decisions, who never worry about maids, also don’t have to worry about balancing work, kids and home? I’m also worried because if S and I need to be at work on the same day, where will M go? I suppose we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

My heart is a bit restless these days. Where am I going in life? As much as I try to dispel self-doubt, it is hard not to ponder such unpleasant questions. While we are talking about self-doubt, I keep wondering if I will be able to perform adequately on stage for our Dance School’s biennial concert. It has been ages since I last performed on stage. So much has happened since then. I’m not the same lithe dancer I once was. You know that feeling where you want to do something but are scared too? That is what I’m experiencing these days. I guess time will tell.

I’m going to be on leave from Thursday and shut off everything about work, especially the accompanying anxiety. I need to stop giving so much of myself to work. See, I’m talking about work yet again. Let’s move on.

These days, the internet is rife with conspiracy theories about Kate Middleton and the royal family. Amidst all the speculation, I can’t help but wonder why people with everything they can possibly desire, and perhaps more, aren’t happy either. The grass doesn’t seem to be completely green anywhere right? Makes you wonder.

Dear Blog, I have nothing to say. That is all for today. I hope next time I’m here, I have a clear topic on my mind.

Until then, Ciao!