Dear M,
Today, I want to talk to you about superheroes and why you shouldn’t be one. But before that, I want to tell you about the real superheroes present in every home around the world. The moms. The wives. The sisters. The women. Those we call superwomen. Interested? Let’s begin.
Your Amma, my mother is one of the very first superheroes I came across in life but it is only now that I realise the extent of everything she has done and still does for us. In all of her relationships, she is the giver or an equal partner which trust me isn’t as easy as it sounds.
When I was a little girl, I used to think of your Amma, as a superwoman, still do. She would be up bright and early every single day without fail, weekends included, so that we would be ready in time and be provided for everything in time. The entire household ran like a well-oiled machine due to her. And it still does.
Every single day she would prepare at least 3 dishes for lunch and dinner, pack our lunchboxes and cater to our whims when it came to food. Now when I have to wake up early to pack your lunch, M, I realise how tough it must have been for her. Makes me guilty about fussing over food. I at least take out my frustration of having to do so much in one way or the other but I never saw her get angry for having to cook for us. Even now when I go home, I have a long list of dishes I want her to prepare for me. And she does, happily too.
Then as kids, we never had to do anything apart from our studies at home. She took care of everything. She is the reason why we didn’t ignore our education. A huge part of my independence today is because of her. I remember her staying awake at night while we studied for our exams. She didn’t go to bed early exhausted after a day’s work while we sat revising. No, M. She would wait till we were done for the day. I don’t know if I will be able to do it because honestly, I don’t have that kind of patience. You must have seen how angry I get when you don’t let me sleep. None of that happened with your Amma.
When your Dadu was stationed in a different town she would assume even greater responsibilities with two small kids, in a town filled with disturbance. Yes, she didn’t shirk off any responsibility. Your Amma is one of the bravest women I have met and I’m not just saying this because she is my mother.
A constant support to your Dadu as he built his career, she took care of everything at home. A friend to us, your Amma, is the reason why we are what we are. Even today she does so much work back at home. And every time she comes here, she takes care of all the neglected corners of the house. You know how I don’t have the time to do everything, right? But when Amma comes, she cleans the grease off the chimney, sparkles the brass rings of the stove and even cooks so many different delicacies for us. She even tries to resurrect our dying balcony garden. She does so much work, bears our tantrums to this day with a smile on her face. So much patience, I don’t know where she gets it from. She is my superhero. Of course, your Dadu is too but today let’s focus on Amma.
Your Amma, as you know, is a homemaker. Many working girls these days make light of the work homemakers do. Tell you what, when you hear someone saying the same thing, smile and move away for they have no clue. And then when you are in your little corner, think about your Amma and maybe give her a kiss if she is around you. The fact is, my dear, women, working or not, do much more than they really should. And somehow they earn the tags of being supermoms or superwomen.
Now to let you in on a secret. I don’t want her to be a supermom anymore. Yes, not since I realised how much of a hard work it is, I want her to relax but I know she won’t. And while I want that for her, I want you to grow up knowing that you don’t have to balance everything.
Women have been for generations taking up a lot on their plate unwittingly, multitasking. I don’t want you to grow up thinking that being a woman you have to be a multi-tasker too. No. Most men have the luxury to focus only on one area in their lives, career, for example. You can grow up to do that too and not feel guilty about it.
I want you to promise me that you’ll never try to be a superwoman or a supermom. Don’t do the same mistakes that all women do inadvertently. Your Amma could have delegated her work and taken some time for herself. She chose not to. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Delegate, share the load. I too don’t ask for help which is not a good thing. But I don’t do as much as she did and does. I’m not a superwoman or a supermom and you don’t have to grow up believing that you have to be one.
Most men have the luxury to focus only on one area in their lives, career, for example. You can grow up to do that too and not feel guilty about it.
Just try to be happy and take up only how much you can. Don’t stretch your mental and physical boundaries to be a superhuman because you really don’t need to. Don’t be a superwoman.
Love,
Mum
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What good advice. If you try to be all things to all people, you will end up burning out. Years ago, e wain the United States, there was a commercial where a woman sang something like “I earn the bacon, then I fry it up in the pan” meaning she worked full time to support her family, then went home and did all the housework, too. Superwoman! But there was nothing empowering about it.
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Naba, I am tearing up here and am so glad you wrote this post. Your Amma sounds amazing and a lot like my own mom. She is exactly like this and with two girls, you know the kind of challenges that can pose. But never has she winced, grimaced or made a fuss about doing everything. I confess I don’t have her patience or her ability for kindness. I am learning though.
Please please give your mom a big hug when you see her next and tell her she has an admirer from far away who appreciates everything she does for the family. And so glad you wrote this for M. I know she is going to treasure these messages when she is older.
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Heartfelt post, Naba. Women don’t have to be superwomen. How true! Taking time for themselves somehow skipped the older generations mind. Your mom sounds amazing doing all that she does. As you said she deserves to relax too. And you too, Naba. Sometimes we just forget about us and end up takfing pride in doing everything. M would sure love reading these letters from you when she is older. Such great advice!i
What a wonderful ode to the Superwomen in our lives. I wish we do enough to let them know what they mean to us.
This was so beautiful, Naba. I know how much you love your mom. Whenever you speak of her and your dad, it is always with so much love and affection. Moms are like that. Mine was similar as well. They are the glue that holds us together, that keeps us sane. And God bless them. In some ways, I am so much like my own mom. There is a fierce need to do everything in my power for my children, my family. I guess somewhere we just tend to become like them. But the difference is that I also guard my own time or try to do things as a couple or solo that perhaps my mum never did. I am sure M will do just fine as she has a mom like you and her Amma and Dadu to watch over her.
You know I hate the term supermom. Let us just try to be normal and human.
Your mom sounds incredible. Give her a tight hug from me. I loved the lesson you are imparting to your daughter. In an attempt to be a superwoman, women tend to lose a lot more than they actually gain. Mental peace is one of them.
Reading your post makes me feel so guilty. I used to fuss so much over tiffin and yet my mom would do everything that kept all three of us satisfied. Now that I look bad, I really feel bad for being such a brat. I don’t think it is even possible for me to be like her.
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That’s just how my mum is – a superwoman, my hero! And, now, when I want her to relax and take it easy, she finds it tough to do so! She is so used to doing everything by herself, without a single frown on her face. And, I lack every quality of hers that makes her a superwoman. How I wish I was like her.
I am so happy for M. She has a grand mum who is a superwoman and a mum who encourages her to fly as high as she can!
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So well said, Naba. I know I’m not a parent yet, but a few months ago I had a burnout from doing too much all by myself. I was trying to be a good daughter, good wife and a good homemaker all at the same time. In 24 hours I was working for 48 hours. It took such a toll on me that I began to lose my mind.
One fine day, I sat back and decided to let things go. I couldn’t take on so much and I did not want to continue to multitask. I began to delegate and cut down on the things I did on a daily basis. It has restored my sanity and I feel so good now.
Superwoman is a myth and no one should strive towards it. Even if it does exist, no women should subject herself to so many expectations and burn herself out.
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you had given a great piece of advice, of course, moms are also normal human being and we do not need to be superwomen to do everything so perfectly. it is more important to be happy and enjoy the true spirit of life.
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wow so beautifully you expressed.. but most of this all was done by my father. I still remember him travelling 40 km to n fro but still finding time for us to know our homework and our daytime activities.. mom was never been on commanding side so I can not imagine for her. but my father was and is my superhero till date, even if I am not in talking terms with him for nearly 6 years. A misunderstanding created by my mom only… all things are gone. But his learnings, doings and thinkings are still with me. Loved your writeup. following u
We never do learnt to appreciate our moms till we become moms ourselves.
As for trying to be a superwoman, that’s utter rubbish, a silly ploy to push women to kill themselves working and trying to please everyone. Over time it becomes so deeply ingrained in us that when we take even a little time off, huge guilt follows. Glad you wrote that letter. M will need it.
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M is so lucky to have you as a role model, as you had your mother! This is such good advice, Naba. We need to stop being ‘superwomen’, delegate more and love ourselves as much (or more) as we love our families. I grew up with parents who were equal partners in everything. It was my Dad whose duty was to pack lunches, give us milk, even tie my ponytail (for the longest time) and get us ready for school; as we grew up me and my sister had our own household chores. I grew up knowing the importance of shared responsibility. And then…I walked into my in-laws place where mother in law was up on her feet the whole day long. I can’t tell you how upset I was. Slowly I have helped make the shift at my in-laws place, it will take time but my father in law has started helping out in the home. Biggest and the happiest change for my MIL is getting her morning chai from her husband.
Very aptly said, women, working or not, do much more than they really should, and we need to change this! Thanks to mother like you who are ringing in the change. Love!
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