Let’s talk about emotional gender equality in relationships today. Equal status for both partners, not one more important than the other. Equal respect for the women in the relationship especially in the Indian marriage context.

When you ask me what makes a relationship strong and worth it, equality is one of the most important elements that come to mind. Sadly, it is also one of those things that I have seen to be lacking from so many relationships around me. That’s not to say that I haven’t seen it exist at all. I have and it’s been a pleasure to be in the midst of that.

Over the last couple of years, I have been privy to several real-life stories where the women have been on the receiving end of what can be best described as emotional cruelty. Their views or emotions being disregarded as ’emotional nonsense’ or ‘a spike of hormones’. 

Now for some strange reason, women have this inherent ability to keep their disappointments to themselves to avoid conflicts. I have observed this many times in many of the married women I have come into contact with over the years. They would rather live through an agonising situation than talk to their husbands about it because that would only disrupt the peace at home. But, my question is, what use is that peace when you are unhappy? How is that a relationship based on mutual respect when the husband can have his mood swings or show his disapproval while the wife silently gulps everything down leaving a bitter aftertaste?

But not all women just submit themselves into silence. They try to express their objection or displeasure too. But what they get in return more often than not is the classic silent treatment with no regards to their feelings. It could be about her in-laws who are tormenting her or a decision that her husband has taken without consulting her, but every time a woman has expressed her displeasure, she has been made to feel guilty in return. Sadly, women have learnt to adjust to this as well.

How is that a relationship based on mutual respect when the husband can have his mood swings or show his disapproval while the wife silently gulps everything down leaving a bitter aftertaste?

My humble view is that you cannot have a relationship which is equal in all aspects if you need to think twice before talking about what’s bothering you with your partner. It could be a man in the receiving end too. In fact, many times it is. However, if I speak from my experience of spending time with women, young married women, they are always the ones making the sacrifice by stifling those feelings which they know their husband won’t agree with. And what baffles me is that these are not bad men at all. It’s just that the conditioning in our society is such that a man’s feelings are somehow more important than a woman’s, more valid and that’s how everything plays out when it comes to marriage. 

My humble view is that you cannot have a relationship which is equal in all aspects if you need to think twice before talking about what’s bothering you with your partner.

I have said it before and I will say it again. Women, realise your worth, please. Every time a woman begins to disregard an insult or wrongdoing from her in-laws, she needs to stop and think about how her husband would react if something similar happened to him. Would he swallow it silently to avoid discomfort to her or would he make sure she did something about it? If the answer is the latter, which more often than not it is, then why should she want to be the one making the sacrifices at every step?

I think a lot of this has to do with the lack of knowledge about emotional abuse. I remember a colleague working hard for her home, her husband and her in-laws in the peak months of her pregnancy. She was doing everything alone even taking her in-laws to the doctor after spending the whole day at work while being 7 or 8 months pregnant. In the mornings when she would wake up exhausted and somehow prepare breakfast for herself, her able-bodied mother-in-law would spew nonsense, rebuking her for not cooking for the whole family. There were days she even did that but pregnancy is not easy in itself, is it? It’s a time when she should have been cared for but her husband wasn’t ready to listen to her side of the story or even help her. He didn’t want stress while he was oblivious to the stress his heavily pregnant wife was taking. She was and is such a happy person, always willing to do everything for anyone asking. She shouldn’t have been treated like this. It was wrong on so many levels and my heart went out to her. Unfortunately, this is the existing dynamic in so many relationships and it needs to change. This is nothing but blatant emotional abuse.

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I think more often than not men find it easier for their wives and partners to just endure all the discomfort rather than making an effort to address the issue at hand. Often it has got to do with talking to his parents about their behaviour or even expectations from his wife as I have seen in many cases. He forgets that while trying to be this ideal son, he invariably becomes a not so ideal partner. He can’t be either or when he needs to be both but it is always easier to make the woman settle. His stance where he figuratively closes his eyes to all the wrongdoings or the harsh words from his side of the family because he knows it’s simpler for him if his wife just bears it somehow is wrong on so many levels.

When we fight for equality, we forget that these strings need to be tightened too. These bumps removed. Something like whether a woman wants to live with her in-laws or not must be a decision that she should be able to take unless she has the autonomy to bring in her parents without discussing with the husband. In fact, all decisions must be taken as a couple. That’s the only right way.

Whether a woman wants to have a second child or not. Whether a woman wants to leave her child at the daycare or not. These decisions cannot be taken by the husband alone. It’s the woman who has more at stake here and just pushing a decision on her is not right. You would be surprised to see how many educated and working women agree to live with these terms because the man is not bad otherwise. It’s just how he is or how men are. I want to say to them, the men wouldn’t be doing this if it was their body or their career so why should a woman?

I think it all eventually boils down to the transparency in relationships. Make it truly equal and a lot of these problems will simply disappear. Bring emotional gender equality in relationships. It isn’t hard if you think about it.

In the fight for gender equality, we often forget our homes and hence our relationships where this battle needs to be fought. A woman shouldn’t be doing anything just because the society says so or because that’s how things were in the previous generations. We have just one life, why not live it with the respect we deserve especially when we are holding our end of the bargain?

Women empowerment must begin at home. If a woman doesn’t feel empowered and heard at home then how can she feel empowered outside? If she doesn’t feel heard in a relationship then what’s the point of it all? That’s the reason I always tell my girlfriends to stand up for their beliefs and for what they want their lives to be at home with their partners and their families. 

Most of the time the hesitation to talk things out with the partner or spouse is in the mind due to the conditioning received as girls while growing up. I think we don’t give enough credit to the men. If we put forth our thoughts, our views and talk about what we want from our lives together, more often than not they will understand. The good ones certainly will and for those that don’t, at least the next course will be easier to decide.

Makes sense?

Tell me, what are your thoughts on emotional gender equality in relationships?

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