Give us a baby boy!

Jun 1
NabanitaDhar

Sheetal sat on her bed after a hard day’s work trying to catch up on her reading. Six months pregnant; with office and home both to take care of; she hardly found any time for herself. She was too busy being the wife, the daughter-in-law and the analyst at office instead of an expecting mother though she needed rest, pampering and peace of mind more now than ever at this stage of her life. But even the cramped schedule and the work load was tolerable when compared to the stress she was often subjected to concerning the gender of her baby. Though no one in her family or among her relatives would say it out loud in the open, she could see the signs practically each day.

Her in-laws would discuss names for her baby day and night and amusingly it would always be that of a boy. If she would begin discussing names of baby girls; they would put it off saying that bridge would be crossed if at all they ever had to go there. Ofcourse her husband was always by her side; her only support; he couldn’t care less if they had a boy or a girl. He only wanted both the baby and Sheetal to be healthy. But the people around her like her relatives would too toe the line of her in-laws in conversations and even gifts. Yes there was never a talk of a baby girl and if at all she would bring it up, she would be subjected to condescending glances and rebuking stares.

All these disturbed her; because if it were a girl in the end Sheetal knew the talks and the tones she would have to bear for the rest of her life. And that was not all; she and her husband would be forced to keep trying till a baby boy was born.

‘Ten fingers, Ten toes
She’s laughter and teardrops
So small and brand new
And amazingly angelic
She’s sent to bless you
She’s one special Baby
The best of life’s treasure
And will grant and bless you
Many hours of great pleasure’- Anonymous

We call our country ‘Mother India’; we are all born of mothers and we spend nine long months in the womb of a lady before venturing out in this world but still our petty egos and god forsaken outlook makes us wish for only boys to be born into our families.

I have spoken with many of my lady colleagues; all working in the big IT Industry, belonging to educated and well off families; and they all had something common among them; the fact that they were all expected to bear grandsons and not granddaughters for their in-laws. Don’t believe me, find out for yourselves in your offices or neighborhoods.

They are pressurized to such an extent, though indirectly, that they say things like ‘I wish I have a baby boy this time to atleast get them off my back!’ or ‘I wish I never told them I was pregnant’. It’s sad that an expectant mother is made to feel this way. Instead of rejoicing and soaking in the feeling; she takes it as a burden and a job at hand. Sad isn’t it that people such as these exist who can make even the sweetest moments of life turn sour.

The thinking and mind-sets of our so called city folks, isn’t very different from that which is existent in the rural and backward areas of our country. The only difference that might be is that the city folks more often than not do not have the audacity to compel their daughter-in-laws to go in for abortions. Ofcourse there are exceptions to this too.

Hypocrite is the one word that I find coming to my mind over and over again for us; for our own selves. Why is it so hard for us to actually move into the light from darkness? Why are we so backward in our thought process? Can’t we focus all this negative energy towards areas like fighting against unemployment or corruption?

We, Indians, are such that we will talk about issues such as these when a big celebrity comes out with some tears in his eyes to discuss it. But people please, don’t stop there. I realize now that each one of us has to bring changes in our thinking to actually create the India our children wouldn’t want to run away from.

An India plagued by evils like female feticide, Acid Throwing, Dowry and Bride Burning, Domestic Violence, Honor Killing, Female Genital Mutilation, Forced Prostitution, Human Trafficking , Marital Rape and Sexual Slavery to name a few shouldn’t exist anymore. It’s high time we change.

Victor Frankl said when we are no longer able to change a situation; we are challenged to change ourselves. So let’s wake up and resolve to bring positive changes in ourselves because it is only then that we will get rid of the curses of our society.

84 thoughts on “Give us a baby boy!”

  3. Indeed, what a country. Perhaps they will understand when all the babies born in India are males. Give them a decade and they will be crying for baby girls.

  4. Dear Nabanita

    an excellent post and so feelingly written —every word from your keyboard is the truth itself and speaks about the hypocracy prevalent in our society—MOTHER India indeed!!!–
    regards
    rajni

  5. Good post 🙂 In fact a baby gal is always better in todays era,you can be a model,a homemaker,a pilot,and still wear those minis and lipstick..Guys are boring!! :P:) lol Anyways a guy or a gal,both are equal and our country should understand that.and its true that upar se dikhne me everything is changa,but ander hi ander there are so many issue with the family and relatives..its high time they change!Dowry problem is also one of them.India is more about showbaaji.paese ho na ho,a marriage shud be dhum dham se..and thats a burden on gal's parent.Simple shadi karo,but no that never happens,relatives kya sonchenge..keep writing!

  6. Excellent post Naba! Its really sad that in today's day and age, especially in so called enlightened families, this kind of thing still exists. People really need to change their mindsets, or this country wont see much progress.

  8. I have seen live examples where daughter has taken care of her old parents even after her marriage and their 4 sons dint even turn up at their funeral.. But even then people want a son.. Strange India..

  16. a day will come when , there wont be any females and then people will realise the mistakes but sadly by then it will be toooo late ..

    Sad sad sad state of affairs

    Bikram's

  19. Very pathetic post, Nabanita! In fact, my Mamma had faced similar situations after my birth.

    We, the younger generation, are always criticized for not following our moral values. And what are these so called moral values? Gender discrimination, dowry, caste and community system and so on… What else could be height of hypocrisy!

  21. I have never managed to understand how can people even get into the debate of 'boy over girl'..cant they understand for themselves that both are equally important for the world to go on? sometimes, i doubt if in our world things like 'reasoning' and 'logic' even exists. sad state of affairs.
    well written!

    sarah

  27. Its a shame. Even though modern society accepts the girl child with wide-open arms, there will always be the bitter truth that they expected for a boy first.

  33. I so wanted a baby girl and got a son; so now I pamper my 2 nieces.

    The pressure to bear a boy-child must be traumatising women in India. The routine job and joy of having a child gets turned into a painful drama.

    I hope Indians turn more sensible in the days ahead.

  35. Sadly enough, we all know the truth, but no one is still ready to go against those stubborn elders and let them not decide for us…..however charged up we are from the inside, we cannot let that show on the outside, coz its our own family that lets us down with such pathetic thoughts of favouring the arrival of a baby boy than a girl………..nice post 🙂

  36. Well, I see hardly any light at the end of this tunnel of discrimination towards the girl child. Unfortunately, there are studies coming up which says that the preference for the boy child continues in Asian communities even after they emigrate to countries like the US. I wonder if rich Indians go abroad to do prenatal determination of gender and abort them if it is a girl . . .

  37. I am mother to a 6 months old daughter (Our first child) and people have already started talking about trying for a boy! I don't really understand and the irony is that half of those are women herself …

  38. When news came that Aiswarya Rai had a baby girl, "She would now have to try to have a boy" heard it from some women folk myself.
    Totally agree with you. Every pregnant women goes through the same ordeal. But things are changing -though slowly. I have also met some parents who are happy with both the girls!

  41. Very true Shalini… Sad state of affairs… when will they understand that girls are no less !

  43. nabanita things are changing so far as an obsession for sons is concerned-at least in educated urban milieu,i see people choosing to adopt girls,girls doing the last rites of their kin & girls getting good education-i ho[pe this spreads faster.
    But other ills nunciated by you are deplorable & they do irreparable damage to the victims-strict & fast punishment is needed desparately.

  44. I have a friend who recently gave birth to her second son. Since all the grandchildren in the family were boys the entire family was expecting a girl. But this time also it was a boy and they kept saying 'Yeah a little disappointed but we should accept what God gives us' There are families like this too 🙂

  55. I personally feel there are 2 aspects to this mad race for a boy child. The sex of a child is decided by the man and not the woman. Studies attribute the X chromosome to a girl and Y chromosome to a boy.

    The other and most important aspect is that we as men complain a lot but when it comes to defending our wives especially when the family uses ideas such as thinking of names and keeps looking at boys names, we rarely have the gumption to throw a spanner in the grandiose naming plans by extended family.

    Even if the family is ones own mother, when the family keeps harping on the boys names, we have to realize its harassment of the woman and standing up to that by suggesting girls names is the best and least offensive way of countering the madness of wanting a boy child. But that requires husbands to be men, not boys themselves.

  56. sad … but true … I had a friend who kept saying throughout her preg that she didn't care. But finally when she delivered a baby boy her exact words were " Now I can show e'one I am no less !!!" 🙁

    A very well written post ! Loved it !

  59. It's very interesting to note how subtle the discrimination can be at times. One of my relative (lets call her Dua) had a daughter as her first born, and there was a lot of rejoicing, and everyone was happy. She was much loved, and apple of everyone's eye. Dua and her hubby wanted a second one, and there was this subtle pressure – 'hope it's a boy this time'. Nothing wrong with that honestly – but only if it was neutral. So had the first one been a boy, it would be natural for the parents to want a girl to complete the picture.But here, the need of having a boy seldom has such simple justifications.

    Continuing forward, there is a shashti in Bengali culture, called Neel Shashti, which a mother does for her children. Dua's Ma in law asked her to observe it. For 4 years, she had heard nothing about it. When she asked her ma in law, her reply was -'oh that's because now you are the mother of a son'…..

    Dua and her husband were really angry. I know for a fact that inspite of being extremely traditional, till date she hasn't observed Neel Shashti-a gesture of small rebellion against the big tsunami of discrimination.

  61. Glad to see a post on this topic — you inspired me to write one on a similar theme! Our society places so much importance not on bearing children but also on having them be a specific gender. It's so aggravating that it totally takes the joy out of parenthood!

  62. I absolutely agree with your statement "Hypocrite is the one word that I find coming to my mind over and over again for us; for our own selves" on Gender Discrimination, besides other issues. This, of course, applies to civilized Indian society.

    I assure you, among adivasi, – aborigines – communities there is no gender discrimination, there is no prostitution, and women enjoy equal rights and responsibilities. (Prostitution is a feature of civilized societies since their inception 5000 years ago.)

  77. One of the major problems our country faces is the fact that sex ratios are artificially skewed. It causes desperation among men, particularly urban migrant workers, who then commit crime. One of the greatest things about the West is the much greater equality between men and women. If anything, women have the upper hand!

  79. Well said. It is now for the younger generation to join hands in order to educate the masses on these social evils. You have indeed covered elaborately on the various issues and there's only a hope that the change comes sooner in the Society.

  80. Aptly put, Naba! Sad but this obsession with a male child continues. I also know of women who cried because they could not have girls. I was one of them and I know many more. Things are changing but at a very slow pace, unfortunately.

  81. Thanks Rachna .. Yes indeed its a sad obsession but its nice to know that there are women who yearn for girl child too! And I hope the changes however small keep happening…

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