Dear M,

Happy Birthday, my little munchkin. Happy birthday to my princess.

I can’t believe that it’s been 2 years already. Yes, 2 years since I heard those magical words it’s a girl. Can’t believe that it has been two years of hugs, nappies, kisses, tears, frustration and love, lots and lot of love. Two years as a mom. You really have changed my life in ways that I cannot quite fathom even now. I’m always worried, always on the run and always thinking about you. Of course, I’m trying to hold on to myself too, so that’s there. Well, happy two wonderful and tiresome years together, M!

It feels like time just flew by though it really didn’t, did it? It’s been two long years of changes, hasn’t it?

Do you remember, M, the very first words I spoke to you holding you in my arms for the very first time? Well, of course, you don’t. But I do, and vividly too.

Here they are for you when you are old enough to understand. And for me too, when I’m too old to remember.

“Baby Girl, Hi. Hi, sweetheart. This is mommy. God, You are so tiny. Oh my darling, you are so tiny. And so beautiful. I’m so scared that I’ll hurt you. You are so fragile. I have never done this before, love. Never. I don’t think I’ll be very good at it too. I hope I don’t disappoint you. Now I’ll probably end up doing a lot of mistakes as a mother. But baby girl, I promise I’ll love you like no other. I’ll make sure you have an abundance of love, always. I love you, little girl. Oh, my God, I love you so very much!‘

Yes, that was pretty much what I whispered to you in that hospital room. I still remember how tiny you were. Honestly, I was really scared. I don’t think anything prepares you for motherhood. How can anything? Being answerable for a new life is too huge a responsibility. No, nothing can prepare you for that. And I wasn’t prepared either. But I have been working on it from day one. Let’s say I’m a work in progress as a mom.

Evey day these past two years has been a learning experience, M.  I haven’t been perfect at it, far from it actually. But I have loved you to the best of my ability or at least tried to. That part of the promise I made to you that very first day, I have kept up. And I intend to in the future as well.

You have my life trapped in your tiny hands and for forever too.

You are growing up so fast, M. In the mad dash to go through the motions of everyday life, I feel like I’m missing out on these precious moments with you. But then we had already decided to make less more, hadn’t we? I promise to work on that more.

M, you are my heart, my life. How do I explain to you how scary it is to know that I have to raise you in today’s world. Sometimes I wish to run away with you somewhere far just to keep you safe. But I guess that’s just what every mother feels. You have my life trapped in your tiny hands and for forever too.

All I want to say you today is that I’ll try to do the right things for you. But I’ll falter, more often than not actually. You see even parents make mistakes and it’s okay. Maybe it will teach you to be okay to fail and fall? I don’t know, maybe that will help you to deal with life better as you grow up. With every birthday of yours, I realise you are getting closer to the point where you will need to deal with this world yourself. I just hope I can equip you for that.

There are so many things I want to tell you, show you. So many things going on in my mind but everything incoherent at the moment, like streaks of colours coming in through slits and I’m trying to catch them all for you. So, I’ll stop now until I can articulate better.

Other than that, stop being so naughty and let me get some sleep, girl! And please don’t be a fussy eater, it’s exhausting!

I love you. Happy birthday again.

Love,

Mumma