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There are days in my journey as a mother when I just want to give up and take the easy way out. There are days when I doubt my resolve of even stepping out of the bed let alone taking care of my child, doing my job, following my passions and running a home. There are days when I question my ability to balance all of these and more. And then I wonder why do I even need to do it all? I don’t need to prove anything to anyone so why not stop stretching myself mentally and physically? There are days when I just want to stop running against the clock. There are days when I just want to stop and give up. And believe me, there have been many such days.
Then why haven’t I given up yet?
It is because of S. Every time I reach that point of giving up he gently brings me back. He reminds me to take a deep breath and consider what I would be giving up. Yet every few months, the cycle repeats. I reach a point beyond which I cannot see myself emerging holding on to my own true self. Giving up, taking the easiest path seems like the only option on such occasions. The past month or so being one such period again.
It was like a stack of dominos falling taking me along. First M fell sick, then I did and then she fell ill again before I could recover. However, as luck would have it, I couldn’t miss work for there was something important scheduled during this period. Panicking I was almost ready to give up, ready to accept that maybe raising a child and doing a job at the same time wasn’t for me. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for it after all. But then the husband stepped in and I found the way back again.
Just as it takes two to make a new life, it takes two to raise that life into a capable individual. #parenting Share on X
He worked from home and took care of M when I had to be at work. Leaving your sick child at home is hard, extremely hard. And we mothers have this tendency to feel guilty for doing so as well. It was no different for me either. But then knowing that the husband was at home with her was comforting, reassuring.
I realised in these past few weeks, in fact, have been contemplating it for some time as well, that for a woman to balance her career and parenting responsibilities it is imperative for the husband to step in and do his part. This especially when the couple decides to raise the child themselves without putting the responsibility on grandparents. So, a father’s role and participation are as important as that of a mother. In an ideal society, it would not be something extraordinary. But our society isn’t ideal, is it? Taking care of the child is still predominantly looked upon as the responsibility of the mother.
I see friends and colleagues whose husbands don’t help in taking care of their own child. Right from feeding to changing diapers, they don’t do any of it. In fact, they carry on with their lives assuming that their only role as a father is to be ready to pay the bills when needed. They forget that women are perfectly capable of taking up the financial responsibility as well. There are husbands who carry on with their careers while expecting the wives to make all the sacrifices. Nothing changes for them post fatherhood. If God forbid the wife asks to take care of the child even for a day, these husbands fly into a rage. They come up with statements like who asked you to be a mum if you had to do other things. Believe me, this happens and is not a figment of my imagination. So, that’s why we need to celebrate fathers who do more, who share the load with the mothers. That’s why we need to celebrate men who realise that motherhood is a choice and not a proclamation of life-long sacrifice by women. And that fatherhood and motherhood are not mutually exclusive. We need to celebrate men who realise that raising the child is their responsibility as well, who realise that this must be the true normal. These are men who realise that just as it takes two to make a new life, it takes two to raise that life into a capable individual.
For a woman to balance her career and parenting responsibilities it is imperative for the husband to step in.
Though the bulk of the responsibility still falls on us mothers, it behoves us to also celebrate those fathers who do more or who actually do their share of the work. Maybe seeing them, reading about them others would follow suit.
I have been lucky because S has always stepped in (though I still believe he can be a little less lazy on most days 😉 ). But, on a serious note, he has always been ready to help when I let him, that is. Yes, being the control freak that I am, I often like many other women, stop him from doing anything. For women like me, it’s always my way or just my way. You see what I mean? Of course, I realise it’s high time we stop this maternal gatekeeper behaviour. So, yes, he helps when I let him. And thank God for that.
Working in an organisation where getting work for home is tough, taking care of a sick child when in the middle of some important project work is impossible, something that even I want to avoid. That’s where S always helps me. And I just wish more and more fathers and husbands did that. I have seen women who are expected to take offs when their child is sick even if in the middle of some crucial project because the fathers don’t believe it’s their duty too. Because their partners do not believe that a woman might have a career too or that she may actually have no leaves.
Women need to tell their husbands that the responsibility of a father doesn’t end with the sperm.
I have seen my father help mum take care of us. I have memories of my father feeding us, putting us to sleep and when I see the father of my child doing the same thing, I realise I just might not have to give up being me, after all, no matter how hard the day turns out to be. But if at any point I do, I know it won’t be because I have no support at home.
So, husbands if you are reading this, help your wives. Share the responsibility. Don’t let her lose herself, not without putting up a fight. Remember you both made the child.
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Linking to #mg hosted by Mackenzie Glanville
#MicroBlogMondays
I cannot agree more with you. I can’t understand how men can sit on their asses while their wives struggle to raise children. Just like you, I am blessed to have G. I couldn’t have raised the kids if he did not help every step of the way. I still rely on him to chip in seamlessly if I have to travel or be away or just have to go out. If men and women don’t help each other, life becomes just a long, hard chore especially when it comes to parenting.
Well said Naba. The kind of inputs bringing up a child needs in this new age – no single individual is capable of doing it alone. With no extended family to support the mums it becomes even more imperative that the dads chip in. Even when one does have support from the in-laws no one can take a dad’s place.
It sounds like you’ve got the perfect balance and I like your admission of letting go of your controlling ways to allow your husband to help – it’s so important to work as a team – makes for a much happier life for both parties. I enjoyed reading this post #mg
Love this post and so so true. Bloody well said. All men need to read this post!
I’m lucky in that I have a very supportive partner who does his fair share and more but not everyone is in this position and that makes me sad. There’s more to us than just being Mum! #MG
It can be stressful but glad both of you are balancing it well. Hope more and more men get to read this. More power to you.
In the absence of extended family, both parents have to take responsibility. Times have changed and so has parenting. Both of you are doing a great job. More power to you.
Good for you! Being a 2 working parent house hold is hard. We do it here. And luckily my husband can sometimes work from home whereas I cannot. We’ve been doing a pretty good job sharing the children workload – at least when they’re sick. He still doesn’t get up in the morning to help me with getting them out the door, but I’ve only been asking about that for 8 years… 😉
~Jess
#mg
I think in most cases the majority of childcare and household stuff falls squarely onto the mother. Our culture is so ingrained that way. And if men do perform a household or childcare task, they usually require suchy detailed instructions from the woman that she ends up doing it herself…..(sorry chaps, but ’tis true…). I see it with ALL my friends and relatives. I absolutely agree that it’s imperative for men to step up so that women can have a better balance. Let’s hope things change for the generations to come, if not now. #MicroblogMondays
I completely agree with you. Good to know that you got a supportive husband and these days the times have changed. I also have a very hands on husband. Things are much easier if you have a supportive husband. Its high time people understand that its not only a mothers job.
Unfortunately for me, my father never helped my mom around the house. While both of them were working, the responsibility of running the house and taking care of the kids were left to mom alone. I’ve seen this since childhood and thought life was like this only.
When I found Cal and got married, I was very tough on myself and tried to balance work, life, in-laws and home at the same time. It was hard, every hard. Cal stepped in effortlessly without even being asked. He helped me when ever I needed something. It made my transition into married life so smooth that nothing else in my life got affected. Yes, men need to help out their wives with everything at home. Kids or not, there are a lot of other things that would be much easier when two do it instead of one.
I’m so happy for you that you have S and reading this I feel so lucky to have Cal in my life as well.
Absolutely:-) And I think the dad will feel happy and grateful later too, for taking the time- it should be a shared responsibility – for everybody’s sake, I think:-) I enjoyed reading this:-)
Great post. Our house operates in the same way. It’s the only way to keep the whole family humming.
I have been a part of those mothers who have had it tough. During the time I worked, grandparents by default had to pitch in (because I lived with them), one set wholeheartedly and another set adamant on me leaving the job. With my resolve to keep fighting, the responsibility of child care support fell on the former set who with time began feeling cheated. The fight got tougher. Even after quitting and staying at home, I couldn’t manage to get anything done in personal care, for 2 years, except for the threading because D was totally my responsibility. And, getting the threading done everytime with D in tow is fodder for a long story in itself. (Somedays I will write about it too). Thus, when I read this post, I felt happy for you to have S by your side who supports you emotionally and chips in when in need. I hope the husbands and fathers are reading and listening.
Wonderful and i completely agree with you. If women has to manage both home and office without stressing out, spouse’s support is essential. Many men doesnt feel it as their responsibility and they feel as if they are doing a favour to wife when they help.
I like how S is a normal father… A father who is supposed to take care of his baby just like a mom. It infuriates me when a man says that he doesn’t know how to take care of his kids. Like seriously… What kind of parent is that. Fortunately, I don’t get to meet that type here and it warms my heart to see how lovingly kids are raised by mom and dad both. Take care Naba… Get well soon my dear. ❤❤
What a beautifully written write-up, Naba! And it is so true. All of it that you mentioned. I have a friend who delivered a baby sometime back and the only thing that the husband does is play with it for 10 minutes in the morning and 10 in the evening. That is it. Nothing beyond that. No wonder, my friend started having anger issues post her delivery!
Why don’t men realize, raising a child is a task and can’t be handled by only the mother. Situations like these, sometimes make me think, what if A too turns up like this? My heart feels he wouldn’t, but what if he does?
Cheers to you 🙂
Behind every good man is a good woman. With more and more women entering the workforce and very often without the support of her mother or mother in law, it is essential that daddy does more than what his daddy did
That is so adorable of you to share your heart out on this topic Nabanita. I have no kids yet, but we (me and my husband) do talk a bit about. And it’s kind of relieving to me that he understands even the most detailed part on this. I hope it remains intact in his brain even after us having kids 🙂 Thanks for sharing the amazing content from your experience.
It is very important to have a partner who would help you in everything. It is often seen as the sole responsibility of a other to raise the children, in fact I was just speaking to a mom yesterday who stays away from her husband due to her career, she was feeling really depressed that after all the hard work she put in, along with her career pressures, she had to listen to complaints of not raising the children as they have to be. Its high time men begin taking at-least half of the responsibility!
Oh, parenting has to be a shared responsibility. Given the times we live in, it cant be just a mother’s responsibility. Managing home, career, child is not easy and both the parents have to pitch in. I am glad that you have a such a supportive partner in S!
so true and so well written! I have been so blessed with Steven, he has always been an amazing father, I think it helped that we discussed it all before we got married, I knew he wanted children and wanted to be involved, so it is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. So many men don’t help and it is just unfair. #mg