My fellow blogger Ananyahad raised a question on her blog a few days back. It was actually a question by one of her readers and it really got me thinking. She asked ‘Is motherhood a choice?’ and I’ll try to answer it based on my understanding of life so far.
For some reason, motherhood or let’s say parenthood is a subject which becomes not just a couple’s but everyone else’s concern. Privacy is a concept that is alien in our society. And it’s not only the women but men too who, without any shame, pose these questions to women. What I don’t understand is why is it anybody’s concern whether or not, or even when, a couple decides to have a baby? I think it’s an extremely private matter and nobody has the right to interfere or influence this decision apart from the two individuals in a relationship. Having established that let’s dwell on the bigger question. Is motherhood a choice?In India as soon as a woman gets married she is literally hounded by relatives and neighbors to produce an offspring. It could be the very next day of the wedding and you would have shameless relations interrogating the woman if she has any good news. Frankly, I ignore such people. It’s simple. Those who don’t know where to draw the line need not be heeded to.
Becoming a mother is a big step in a woman’s life. Of-course, it’s a big step in a man’s life too. But the amount of bodily changes and emotional upheaval a woman goes through is really far more than what a man experiences. And then in India for a working woman it becomes really hard to juggle both responsibilities especially with the terrible policies at the work place. More often than not she has to give up her job, even if for some time, and all her aspirations begin taking a back seat. And not only that, women are expected to be happy with that kind of sacrifice and not complain too. After all, according to our society motherhood is all a woman’s life is about no?
It’s not easy for women. Earlier women in India were made to believe that bearing a child was the essence of their existence. And perhaps that’s why women never pondered on whether they really wanted to step in to motherhood or not. Or, even if they did, the voices were few and far in between. But times change and with that the thought process of individuals too. Today, mostly in the urban areas, women have begun to question whether they want to marry or whether they want to have a child. And rightly it is their choice. Every woman has the right to decide for herself what she wants. After all every individual, whether man or woman, has the right to live life on his or her own terms. And it holds true for motherhood too. And it certainly doesn’t make the woman a pariah or cold no matter what the society suggests. It doesn’t. You know we as women should begin ignoring this over-bearing social order of ours. Because the society is not going to spend sleepless nights with the baby or the society is not going to fund the baby’s life. The society is not going to reduce the mental stress of unwanted motherhood. The society is not going to ensure that the aspirations of a woman don’t get buried under the duties of motherhood, when the latter is not desired. So what I want to say is such decisions shouldn’t be made to please anyone but oneself.
Lastly but importantly when a woman is in a relationship it is always better that she lets her partner know of her thoughts about motherhood, provided she knows that she doesn’t want a child at the time of getting into a relationship. But if she doesn’t and the realization strikes later then she definitely shouldn’t smother herself with guilt, after all at the end of the day she is the one becoming the mother. And hence motherhood is HER choice. I would also add that a true partner would certainly understand this kind of decision.So there no woman should beat herself up for not feeling excited at the prospect of becoming a mother or not having ‘bearing a child’ as a priority item on her life’s To-Do list. As they say it should be to each their own.
PS: I’m not against motherhood but I’m certainly against those people who push a woman to the brink of breakdown if she says she’s not ready for a child or if she says that she doesn’t want a child. Leave her alone, leave women alone please!
***
I’m part of Write Tribe Pro Blogger Initiative. You can read some great posts of the initiative here.
Unfortunately in our world, society is equally or often given more importance. Parenthood is pushed for reasons like peer pressure, sibbling pressure and even to prove your manhood. So where is the privacy in any way.
Exactly my point, being nearly four years into the marriage i am not a mother, why? Because I am not ready for it but no people here push you as if they have sales target on this. The other day a complete stranger went on pestering me that why should I be a mother to the point of driving me crazy.
Naba , I had been off blogging since a month now and as soon as I get back , I read this super awesome post by you ..It hurts..the right age to have a baby in India seems to be exactly in a year of getting married…sigh…
Naba, I have had my full share of experience with some of that questioning – when, why, why not yet, why so late, what's the problem, have you seen a doctor, etc etc….So I can relate to many things you say here quite well. But fortunately for me, my husband and my families (parental and in-laws) were always very supportive and understanding. Which made things easier for me. But I know some women who have had to go through such terrible experience when they have been unable to have children for any medical reason or whatever. You keep raising some sensitive issues on your blog lately. Way to go, girl!
I second your views, but I don't see things changing anytime soon.
I agree. In our country the only purpose of getting married is to have children. If you don't buy into that notion then you are the victim of the western modernization, have forgotten all your culture and roots. I guess if more people fall victims, maybe the population problems will be curbed a little!
It is the couple's decision, more so the woman's if and when she wants to have a child. The fortunate ones have their spouses' support but many are subjected to taunts for not producing a baby 9 months after the wedding. Great piece of writing.
Someone still pestering you on the issue Nabanita.. again ? 😛 …I remember one of your posts mentioning an aunty… :-D.. Now, on a serious note, in our society, you just can't help it…once you're in college …people are inquisitive about your boyfriends…( actually they want to know if you have more than one ) ..boyfriend issue solved..then comes when are you getting married ? that too when resolved…beckons the most annoying one..why? when?where ..and even as far as how … 🙁 I've passed through these phases and my current level is " why not planning for a second one ?" …followed by long lectures on character traits of single child !! give us a break GOD !! 🙁
I can totally relate to this post! Having children was not something I ever desired and luckily, my husband wasn't interested in being a parent either – at least not to human kids. We adore the four-legged. furry dog kids though. ☺ Although pressure isn't quite so intense here in North America, we still faced these intrusive questions over the years and the general consensus was that there's something wrong with us! Everybody needs to just mind there own business, like you said.
I can relate to this post, completely! I remember having a tough time battling questions and looks coz we delayed being parents! And once we had our child then it was, when will have a second child! As a society we can intrude anybody's personal space too easily!
Totally agree! I also wrote on the same topic some time back. I keep getting pestered with these questions every single day. People just do not mind their own business. http://happinessandfood.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/please-dont-ask-me/
Parul
Irritating indeed, Naba. How people love to ask such questions.
And the questions continue even after you are just coping with your new-born.
They want to know when is the 2nd one due? God! Give us a break!
Oh, why only motherhood? The list is endless. Like you, I feel it's a personal choice. In fact more of a couple's choice.
True! There is a bit of religion also that made people chase up for babies and sons at that. The shraddh needed to be done by the son, the son's son and all and per the rites, it was necessary for a soul ascend to Heaven.
I think the hold of some of the out-dated traditions is loosening – the next generation at least will not be pestered by you guys 🙂
We are clearly not the species who understand the social LOC. If studying the the question is when do you start working, if working then when is the wedding, if married, you know it and like Shilpa says, when you are done with the first, comes when is the next and preferably the other gender, like we just have to mix some potions and bang a child of the desired gender is produced and raised!
I agree with all you have to say Naba. I'd commented on Ananya's post too and was surprised to see so many comments saying that a woman needs to bring kids into this world and we need to continue the human evolution and all that stuff. I am of the belief that it's each individual's choice. Partners need to talk about it before committing to make sure they are on the same page when it comes to children. It's not like you can give back a child once you have one and realise it's not for you. I see so many children who are 'unwanted' and living with parents who would rather you didn't exist is so much worse than not being born! Great post! And it's given me an idea to write one too… 🙂
I can totally relate to this as I face the Tsunami of questions day in and day out. Am fed up , exhausted and stressed to say the least. It gets so emabrassing answering the que endlessly and how many times can one smile ??
brilliantly written Naba. Ultimately if Partner understands and if u both are on same plank , Nothing else matters.
Love
Afshan
Every woman in India has faced this including me. I've written a post on this too. Insulate yourself as much as possible from what others say. As long as the partners are in tandem, just ignore others.
True…Having a child seems to be everyone else's concern more than the couple's
I completely know what you mean and the worst part is if a woman decides not to have a child she is termed cold…very unfortunate really
Thanks Nikita and yes you are right and if it were possible they would have made every couple pop out a baby in less than 9 months too!
True Beloo if only all women were lucky to have such support…And thanks 🙂 that's what I can at-least do…
Unfortunately even I don't see things changing soon 🙁
Oh yes I too wish more people fall victim to that Rajrupa atleast something good will come out of it!
Thanks Sulekkha…It's sad that the woman is made answerable for things that are her right , her own private right to decide
haha I have completely shut them out Maniparna 😀 But I know what you mean the questions are truly endless !
So true Debbie….In India the pressure is so much that women often go into depression which is really sad…
The society is relentless , isn't it! Wonder if it will ever change at all!
People just don't let us women live no?
what is wrong with this society of ours…Truly when will they give us a break!
So true Saru….wonder when our society will accept this fact!
That's the only hope I have Suresh!
Ohh you know I feel they think making a child is like peeing the way they keep saying 'do it! do it!'
So true … Why burden someone? And I don't understand this thing about the duty of a woman to give life and all that! I would love to read your post on this !
So true Afshan…Its sad that women are made to feel as villains if they decide that they don't want kids!
You said it Rachna there is only one way to deal with it till the society changes and that is to insulate ourselves…
I have read Ananya's post too. You have done an awesome job here with your post. I have been married for over three and a half years now and I swear if one more person asks me the question about good news I would literally strangle them! It's so damn irritating why so many, some you don't even know that well, seems to be so curious about what happens between a couple! It is entirely their personal decision and yes, Motherhood is a choice.
It's irritating and heart breaking to see how people endlessly talk about it and particularly the way they talk about it. Couldn't agree more it should be solemnly the decision of the couple and not anybody else.