Dear M,
I’m back with another of my life lessons for you. This time it’s not quite what one would expect. Read on.
Durga Puja is here and I need not tell you how special this time of the year is for me. By the time you are old enough to read this letter, you’ll probably know that already. Every year I get really excited about these few days and make a lot of plans around it. But this time I’m telling my heart not to. Why? Because I’m scared that something will go wrong. I’m worried that someone will fall sick or something untoward will happen if I try to have too much fun.
I know it makes no sense. But to my heart, it does. Last year your dad and your grandpa, both fell sick during this time. It was really hard, them being sick and the fact that I had planned so much for these few days. I can’t tell you how scared I was on the night before we flew back to Bangalore to be with your dad. I couldn’t sleep one bit thinking that he was alone at home, sick. Alone. And when we reached Bangalore, suddenly your grandpa had to be admitted to the hospital. It was a double whammy. So, at that point, I had made up my mind to not do any planning the next time around. And it’s the next time around now. So, I’m trying to keep calm and just take one minute at a time. What if something goes wrong if I feel too happy or excited?
It’s probably just my heart acting up but that’s why I was holding my breath till I could reach home to your grandparents’. And even now, honestly, I’m a little afraid.
So, there will be times in life, M when against your better judgement, you’ll believe or do something which makes no sense at all. Or, not do at all because you’ll be scared that something will go wrong if you do. There will be times when your head will tell you one thing while your heart will tell you the complete opposite. And I want to tell you that it’s okay to sometimes choose the supposedly less sensible option at such times.
Yes, just like I was doing these past few months. I know that I have no control over what’s going to happen in the future but I was trying to prevent something untoward by not being excited about a trip I wait the entire year for. It’s just a way of pacifying my fears, I know. And just because I think I’m not excited doesn’t mean I’m not. I’m just striving to suppress it the best I can. So, what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to be conflicted, confused, scared, sceptical and not make sense sometimes in life.
You don’t have to be perfect to lead your life. You just need to lead your life the best way you can and the way that makes sense to you at any given point in time.
Well, that’s all for now.
Love,
Mum.
