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Marriage is perhaps a word too short compared to the importance it actually carries in a couple’s life. It is a bond which if nurtured carefully is a boon. But if not it could well be a bond that suffocates you throughout life. Too often marriages end at weddings turning into a one-sided responsibility devoid of love.

Now, I’m all for marriage, one which treats both the husband and wife equally. In the interest of full disclosure, I must add that history is not my strong point but certain aspects of marriage as advocated in the Indian society are not for me. For example, I don’t believe in the philosophy of the husband being the all-important entity in a marriage and thereby the family. For me, it’s equality in all aspect and understanding that makes for a great marriage. When I speak about equality, I don’t mean how much money a spouse earns. No. For me, it has to do with how the husband and wife treat each other and how they are treated by each other’s families. Unfortunately, there are still some marriages in this present day modern India based on a bogus and archaic belief system that places the husband on a pedestal with no regards to the wife!

About 6 years back I had written about a man who wanted a wife only as a caretaker for his parents. I called him the anpad (uneducated) techie at that time. And looks like there are more like him around. A sad, sad fact but what is even worse is that women toil to put up with such nonsense. Of course, I don’t intend to judge them but I just wish they didn’t put up with it. Such men don’t change. Never.

For the husband who believes his wife is meant to be doing everything from household to office work, taking care of children to his parents, I suggest some soul searching perhaps? And to the woman who keeps doing it, compromising either for the sake of the love or because apparently, this is how it is supposed to be, know your threshold, please.

My dear woman, marriage is not supposed to be an institution where you concede everything, even your self-respect. No! While love is important, I don’t think it’s your sole responsibility to maintain the relationship. Please don’t do this to yourself. I know it is drilled in our minds that marriage is a sacred institution and we must do everything in our capacity to save it. But do remember that a marriage in which you get no respect or where you get occasional respect is also no marriage at all.

Emotional abuse is a reality in many marriages. It can be anything from not standing by your partner when it comes to your parents or even health. It can be a husband feigning work or fatigue to prevent having discussions or spending time with the family. Not being there when your partner and children need you the most. Or, something as basic as refusing to do any chores at home and using anger as a means for that.

To all those women who compromise every day in a marriage like that, either to avoid conflict or to save their men from “stress“, I wish you read through this. And maybe, just maybe, it will help you someday?

1. Your husband is not the one who runs your home, you both do.
2. The onus of your relationship is not only on you but on him too.
3. Respect his parents certainly, but to run all the errands for them while your husband enjoys his life is not right. Responsibility in a marriage has to be shared!
4. You are not an unpaid maid to his parents. And if he says you have to cook, clean and wash their clothes every day or else he will rebuke you, he doesn’t deserve your love or respect.
5. If he’s not there with you when you need him the most, then there’s no point of him being there with you at any other time.
6. Fall in love but don’t lose your self-respect in the bargain.
7. The moment he asserts that everything in your home happens at his approval, you should know what he thinks of you.
8. Your children are your collective responsibility not only yours while he goes on with his life.
9. Recognise the emotional abuse.

There is so much more I want to say. But the intention is only to implore that don’t sacrifice so much. A relationship which makes you cry and compromise on a daily basis while your man doesn’t budge an inch is to me not a relationship you need to fight for. Realise your worth, please!

Recognise the emotional abuse in a marriage and do something about it.

I know not all husbands are like this. So, please spare me the lecture. But there are some who are exactly like that, uncommitted to the relationship and assuming they are superior. So, this post is for those women in their lives, women who do so much but do not get appreciated or loved. I also know there are husbands who suffer at the hands of their wives, I’m sure someone will write about them too. I have written this post so that someone somewhere might perhaps gain the courage to make a positive change in life after reading this.

Remember, if you are not happy in a relationship or a marriage, it’s because it probably isn’t so. Pack up and leave.

What do you think?

This was initially posted in 2015.

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This post is part of the #FeministMondays series (previously called #IAmAFeminist series) on the blog. Inspired by a TEDx talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie – We Should All Be Feminists, I intend to talk about the need for feminism through my posts, posts on my experience and observation as a female. I intend to talk about issues concerning women.

Join me and let’s work towards a world of gender parity. Remember, each voice counts. Tell me your story.

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Linking to #mg hosted by Mackenzie Glanville