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Being a parent, a mother can be overwhelming. There are days when I feel shackled, unable do anything on a whim. There is always a routine I need to stick to, a timetable I need to follow. A certain inflexibility has crept in. Most things need to go as planned. In order to find those few moments just for myself. Times when I try not to be a worrying mother. So it’s always one chore after the other waiting for a few days off. In between everything though the realisation dawns that you don’t really get to take a day off from being a mum. On my worse days, that is what makes me breathless and anxious. And I wonder if this is how life is going to be from now on.
So many things have changed now that I have a toddler in tow. Waking up when I want to or sleeping whenever I want to seem like a distant dream now. All simple things really but still. There was a time when I loved sleeping and reading on flights. Or, curling up with a book for the whole day on a holiday without worrying about anything else. Everything happens differently now.
Being a mother, a parent is tough because now you are responsible. And being responsible 24X7 is anything but easy. It’s like have a night shift daily with no mornings in between. I think parents will know what I’m talking about. What I’m probably trying to say is, it sometimes gets a little too much especially with a baby or a toddler at home. Perhaps, it gets easier when they grow up.
Finding time for myself is sometimes impossible now. I haven’t been to the parlour for months, something which I could do anytime before. Well, now where’s the time? 5 days out of 7, I’m too busy to go anywhere. The time I find, I try to spend reading or writing which I can’t compromise on. And the remaining 2 days? Well, I just want to hide at home to rest as much as possible. It’s not as bad as it sounds but it’s definitely taxing.
Of course, one hug from M, her smile or her kisses makes me forget everything. And as cliched as it sounds makes everything worth it but that doesn’t take away from the fact that my life is not as carefree as it used to be before.
Any new project I take up at work, I need to make sure that I leave office in time to pick her up because I cannot keep her waiting. I don’t want to as well. But sometimes I just feel that the freedom that I was used to earlier is now gone. I am always running against time. Always.
There’s no flexibility in my schedule. If there’s too much work at the office I still need to do that within the 9-hour time frame. And it’s not always easy to do that. I feel like I’m always on the run with this fear of missing the last bus out. I’m always on the clock, timing myself.
Then there are those decisions that you need to take, some compromises or sacrifices. They sort of come with the territory, I suppose. I have, for example, categorically told at work that I can’t be travelling to the client site even for a short term. I work in an industry where your growth often depends on working from the client location. The truth is even before M I wasn’t much inclined towards living abroad. But then I had a choice to take up short term assignments if they aided my career.
I want to be here for her. No second thoughts there. I do know parents who leave their kids with grandparents and go abroad to pursue their careers. They are really strong if you ask me. It’s not an easy step to take but they still do it. I’m just not as brave or as strong as them for I need to be with M at the end of the day, every day. I need to kiss her goodnight. I just do. But there are moments when I see S or my sister travelling and wonder if I will ever have that freedom to go out without being worried or even guilty. If at every juncture of my career it won’t be an either-or decision?
#Motherhood is not always hugs and kisses, there are some difficult, stressful and selfish moments too. Share on X
It’s not that I’m not doing the things I want to because I very much am. I’m working which I wanted to. I’m writing and reading like I wanted to but everything always has to fit in a tight schedule. There is a particular timeframe I have to do things in and that gets suffocating sometimes. Things, like reading or listening to music while commuting, are now a thing of the past. I’m never free in spite of having a very, very helpful partner and that upsets me sometimes.
I love M more than anyone else in this universe. I love being her mother. A little crazy and an extremely paranoid mother. But it’s hard. Juggling all the things that I have to, it sometimes gets difficult holding on to all the things I want to. That’s when I feel a little sad. The fact is no matter what once you decide to become a parent there are some sacrifices which you invariably have to make. You even do it willingly but that can sometimes be a touch frustrating in spite of that.
They say life is not a bed of roses and that’s true of parenting, of being a mother too. It’s not always hugs and kisses. There are some difficult, stressful and selfish moments too.
I hope I haven’t scared you. Have I?
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Linking to #mg hosted by Mackenzie Glanville
I am right there with you about not travelling. I have taken this as a conscious decision too.Motherhood is the toughest exam but it’s joys truly make us feel blessed.Lovely post.
Yes, you have! I already do wonder about the whole ‘Is child a must’ question, especially as society still insists it’s a must, but so many women are now opting out. I understand that the love and joy of a child is unparalleled, but I do wonder if it is for everyone, especially when I read or hear women talk about the very really struggles of every day!
I know what you mean Naba. I used to always wonder at parents who put their lives on hold once the kids come along and to my complete surprise I turned a lot like them. But different things work for different people – some may not travel, some may give up late nights, some give up working completely. I say whatever works for each one of us is the right thing to do. #mg
As my kids have grown up the first thought that came to my mind was: whatever is right for you…. I believe that. You will find your way – with your kids, whatever it will be and as the days come and go you will know, it may change, but follow your inner voice of what and how You want it to be for you and your loved ones. Lovely read, Naba:-)
You’re so right, this parenting thing isn’t easy. At the same time I find it gives back as much as it takes away. You get a whole new host of experiences and emotions you would never get without children x
#Mg
I so hear you, Naba though I must say that I cannot complete relate to it because I haven’t been in your shoes. But I can understand the struggles you’re facing. I think it’s just a myth when they say women can have it all. They cannot. No matter what strides we make, no matter how empowered we get. Being a mother is a whole different ball game. An unparalleled one. I have seen my Mom try to juggle everything and I call her an all rounder but I know that it would have been anything but easy. And all those who’ve commented above are right when they say, to each his own. No one size fits all. Hang in there, dear. I am guessing it would get better soon. Catch a breath when you can, listen to some soft upbeat music when you can. If I had been staying closer, I would have volunteered to babysit once in a while so you could run to the parlour 🙂 Take care, Naba! You’re one strong woman, hats off and hugs babe!
Your post reminded me some memories from 13 years back. The same feeling I have had during the childhood of my son. But enjoy the journey of motherhood since it has no specific destination.
very real post! Their kisses and sweet hugs do make it all worthwhile. But yes it is hard, everything seems to be fit around their needs and mostly I’m OK with that but somedays I want to scream What About Me. Great read! #mg
Haha! Wait, let me tell you why I’m laughing – Remember the time that you used to read my Daddy Journals, before M, and I’m sure I have a couple of comments where we’ve discussed the ‘I’m not scaring you, am I?’ part 🙂
And now you’re passing that wisdom around. Welcome to parenthood 🙂