I thought choosing whether or not to become a mother would be the most important decision I ever make. Why not? It is life altering after all. But as it turns out, that was just the first of many.
Nobody told me parenting is full of difficult choices. Nobody. Every decision, every choice being the cause of a prospective heart attack. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but, my God is it hard!
In about two weeks time, I go back to work which translates to the need of putting M in a crèche.
You know, I always knew it would come to this. I was never going to leave my job and hence our child would invariably have to be put in a crèche. I also knew that I didn’t want to put the responsibility of raising her on my parents. I knew I wasn’t for disrupting my parents’ lives for helping me raise my daughter or sending M away to them. No, sir. I think they have done their round of parenting and it’s time they rest, not do the whole thing all over again. I also cannot bear staying away from this little naughty munchkin. So, we both knew well, crèche and play school were what we had to rely on.
But planning something and doing something are completely different things altogether.
So, as the day to leave her in the crèche draws close, I have this lump in my throat. It’s almost as if I’m being strangled, struggling for air. Tears at the drop of a hat almost as if I’m eight months pregnant all over again. And I’m full of questions too. A ticking time bomb, really. In spite of all the planning and knowing what I want, I’m confused.
How will I leave her alone? Will they care for her as much as I do? She cries when she wakes up and doesn’t find me. Will they attend to her immediately like I do? Sometimes she just doesn’t stop crying. Will they have the patience for that? Am I selfish for leaving this tiny little person, who’s so dependent on me, alone?
The first time after her birth when I had to leave her overnight in the NICU, I was heart broken. I couldn’t stop crying the whole time. I wanted to hold her, kiss her and hug her. I spent the night outside the NICU door, kept peeping in whenever possible. That was the first time I felt what it is to be a mother. That was the first time I probably became one. And the moment when I got her back, was among the happiest I have ever been. And now, I have to leave her alone every day. How am I ever going to get any work done with my heart and mind with her? I must be a terrible person for leaving her alone.
Being a mother is having to let a part of you live and grow outside of you. I read something along these lines somewhere. God! Now I know it’s true. So very true.
I want to do what is best for her. I also know I need to work, for myself and for giving her a better life. If I don’t work, I’ll not be happy with myself and then I won’t be a happy person to be around. But when I go to work, I’ll be leaving her alone with a bunch of people I don’t even know. I have got myself into quite a pickle, haven’t I? What do I do?
She’s the most valuable person in my life. She’s my little daughter. Special and the only one. But for the people in the crèche, she’s just another baby. Will they really take care of her?
I do know so many mothers who do it. And I’m hoping to get the hang of it too but it’s scary. Sometimes I feel guilty, almost as if I’m deliberately abandoning her. I know that’s rubbish but this heart fails to see reason sometimes.
There’s a war room in my mind right now. I’m terrified and apprehensive about what’s going to happen. All these scary thoughts come and go at will. I’m a mess. And I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I feel this way.
Give me some advice folks. Tell me something, anything, that this mother needs to hear at this point. Tell me.
#MommyTalks – How Do I Leave Her In The Creche?
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I understand your apprehensions. I really do. I left Sid for the first time in a crèche when he was 10 months old. The first few days are tough. The child cried and protests but it gets better. They even start enjoying their time away. My only advice is find one close to your workplace just on case you'd wish to drop by during a break or if you need to. Also factor in their falling sick more often. And you'll love their delighted face when you go to pick them up. It won't be easy but chin up. She will do fine. It is you, l am more worried about. 🙂
I understand your apprehensions. I really do. I left Sid for the first time in a crèche when he was 10 months old. The first few days are tough. The child cried and protests but it gets better. They even start enjoying their time away. My only advice is find one close to your workplace just on case you'd wish to drop by during a break or if you need to. Also factor in their falling sick more often. And you'll love their delighted face when you go to pick them up. It won't be easy but chin up. She will do fine. It is you, l am more worried about. 🙂
I second what Rachna says. Gy was a little short of 3 years when I left her at daycare but the days were very very hard for me at first. She adjusted quite well and the kids start loving it there. Don't worry. Not all people are money-minded. I have had the best care in the world for Gy and there came a time when she preferred to stay there instead of coming home early with me. So, go work without a care, Naba. This will only strengthen the bond between you two. I promise.
I had the exact same case of paranoia, if not more, an year back. The first 15 days were hell. She would cry as soon as she would realise i would leave her and go. And i would cry all the way to my offfice…and sometimes even sitting at my seat. But, time heals everything. Slowly she started looking forward to her playtime in school. Its not going to be easy Naba. But its something u ll have to go through knowing fully well that its damn difficult. My only advise would be take lots of feedback from parents of kids in the playschool/crèche. And if possible, find something close to your office. One, it will allow you to visit her during the day easily. Secondly its kind of a psychological thing…u feel in control that she is very close…
I joined back work when son was 4 months old. At that time I used to live with my in-laws so a creche was out of question. There were family issues with in-laws caring for him but one thing I was completely assured was son was at home around people who were his own. Having said this, still it wasn't easy for me to walk out of the house leave him crying behind. Sick days were worse. All I can say is count upon the advice of Rachna, Shailaja and Ghata.
I joined back work when son was 4 months old. At that time I used to live with my in-laws so a creche was out of question. There were family issues with in-laws caring for him but one thing I was completely assured was son was at home around people who were his own. Having said this, still it wasn't easy for me to walk out of the house leave him crying behind. Sick days were worse. All I can say is count upon the advice of Rachna, Shailaja and Ghata.
This is a tough one. I appreciate that you've not got your folks involved – many people I know seem to take that for granted, not realizing how disruptive it is for the grandparents. My sister-in-law left my niece in a creche and she was a happy little camper – who learned to mix with other children very easily. I'm sure that many of your colleagues will give you lots of advice and you and little M will adjust soon enough. Wishing you all you need as you venture back to work.
I can understand how tough it is to leave your little one in a creche. Don't worry, she will have friends and play, learn something and explore herself. Your worries are normal as a mother. I have friends with kids whom I regularly visit and developed a bond with the children. They are adorable. I can see the tough times they go through by taking care. Do check on the creche from time to time to see if care on their part is not lacking.
Stay blessed.
First, congrats on your little M. Second as hard it is to pluck your heart out everyday and imagine the world judging you. Know that there are those who appreciate your courage and admire your strengths. I have been a stay at home and found myself losing it at many times. Then I wonder whats the whole point if I say I am going to be there for them but am unhappy. Fortunately that phase has now passed. And they are older and independent. So I can focus on myself. But cheers to you and all the other courageous moms out there who take this really difficult step. More power to you!!
Obviously, no experience as a mother but I do have experience of watching thousands of new moms and then a thousand more at different stages of a young child's life as they visit me in the hospital.
I can tell you this – it is a process. People can guide you and give you advice but in the end, the emotions will be all yours. And as hard as it seems, you will make the right choice for both the child and your family.
Every new mom fears she knows nothing. Every experienced mom feels she knows everything. Nope… not from where I see it.
The fact that you are self aware of the decisions to be made alone shows that you are more than capable…
Yours is a tough choice but let me tell you as a grandparent, sure I've done my share of parenting but I don't want my girls to give up their careers and luckily I can help with their childcare. So if your parents volunteer to look after your baby DON'T feel you are imposing on them. They know what they are doing and it is only for a few years. When baby is 3 she will go to some kind of school Of course I don't want you to feel worse than you already are but I would take an obligation from my parents/ in laws any day over a crèche. Grandparents have obligations too and you already owe so much to your parents so what is a few more years of help?
At the end of the day, the hugs and kisses , the mindless babble and the inordinate love of the grandparents beats the sterile, regimented life in a crèche any day.
But I am not judging you so please don't think you are doing your child a disservice
You must have checked out the crèche and are satisfied that your child will be safe and well cared for and that's what matters.
You won't be a lesser mom for keeping your child in a crèche . Far better than leaving her with a twirry maid who can up and leave any time.
Motherhood is hard choices but in the end it all works out . Go for it .
Believe me … even fathers have heart and they find it equally difficult to got to office leaving behind their infants at home .. At least I thought at multiple occasion , why don't I take a 2-3 year career break , becaz i can't hear screming " Papa " , " Papa " while i start for office and why many times i have to take a back lane to avoide confronting him and have to leave without saying goodbye .. What he wants from me is time and attention , and even i equally love watching his cuteness all day long .
Wish someone gives a answer for this too 🙂
A couple of comments from the mother of a grown son on the other side of the world. I went back to work at three months. Yes, it's a process to leave your child. First, if grandparents are willing to help, I would suggest you accept the help. They have their own styles and your little one will only benefit. I wish my in laws had been able to be involved but they lived far from us. A little one will also benefit from a good daycare , as we call them here in the United States. If you are confident in your day care choices, I say go for it. Not all of them are sterile and robot-like (I personally, chose daycare in provider's homes for various reasons.) Also know that children can pick right up on a parent's anxiety. You'll do fine, I know, because you are thinking it all through. Good luck! Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
Hey Nabanita, I too experienced this when I had to leave my Son when he was 11 months old. But trust me…Time will fly and she will enjoy the company of Creche mates. I preferred Home Creche rather than a Professional one to ensure he gets homely environment and free to move here and there. You should go for the one nearest to your working place-as Rachna said. Don't worry as your Daughter's smile will tell you that she is happy there or not.
Totally a tough decision… but somewhere u will need to be calm.. cause kids sense stress… u being calm would keep her calm too.. but go ahead day care isn't that bad really….
Totally a tough decision… but somewhere u will need to be calm.. cause kids sense stress… u being calm would keep her calm too.. but go ahead day care isn't that bad really….
I could feel all my anxieties when I left my children. Elder was only four months old but my in-laws took care of him which was the best thing for him. Younger was not so lucky but as we had two, we got someone home for daycare under the supervision of my in-laws. This has created a great bond between the children and their grandparents. Inspite of all these benefits, I still had a bad initial six months when my heart would be at home. But children will get used to it faster than us. Also, check and cross check on the creches, do surprise visits, ask parents whose children are at the same creche. Between me and husband, since we both worked far from home, we used to take turns to reach the child in cases of emergencies. Trust and keep faith in the goodness of people and take all support you can get without feeling guilty.
I found one just outside my office, Rachna. I plan to check on her from time to time atleast for the first few days.. I really hope she adjusts and me too.. Whole new experience and I'm worried about me too! I don't want my anxiety to rub off on her:)
Thanks Shailaja…Oh I hope it is the same for M too.. I hope the people at the daycare really take care of her and that M enjoys there too 🙂
True, Ghata.. I have found one very close to my office.. I plan to keep checking on her till she's adjusted and even after that..you are right it is something we have to go through no matter how hard it may seem..
Thanks Anamika.. I just hope I can go through this without the waterworks…everyone does it and I have to too..
Thanks so much, Corinne… I hope that happens indeed.. 🙂
I hear some creches are really good these days and they care for the tiny tots really well. I hope the one you have chosen is as good too 🙂
I love the way you have explained about going back to work. It is important for you as a woman and that was what you are before you became a mother. Emotions apart, I'm happy that you're doing what you want to do.
May God give you more strength and I hope this moment of separation brings you both more closer.
Thank you so much.. I really need these reassurances.. I have been so nervous all this while, still am..
Thank you so much Seena..What you are doing is brave too my dear..even more.. I guess working or not, all mothers give up a lot and that needs to be celebrated..more power to you too 🙂
Thanks , Doc…thank you for putting it so simply…:)
Thanks so much.. I do understand and the grandparents would be more than happy to take care..and it is also a much easier option.. I too am not judging those who do it.. I just feel that I want my parents to not work or worry too much at this age..but ofcourse if things don't work out, they are the ones I'll turn too and happily too 🙂
Parenting isn't easy, is it? All that we want to do against what we wish to do..
You've been reading me long enough to know what I could possibly say about this, Naba. Good decision to go back and to leave her in the creche. Separation anxiety will be there, but it'll all work out 🙂
For the rest, I shall DM you my 'lessons' 😛
A mother knows best…and it's your choice…its just a phase and it will pass…with so many creche options these days, both of you will be fine…good luck:-)
I have seen my friend going through the same phase … it's a very tough dilemma and I can understand how difficult it must be for you. But I am sure like all the situations, you will overcome this one too. Wish you good luck … and hope the transition is smooth 🙂
Going by your reply to Rachna, it's great that you've found a crèche close to your office. So relax, she will be fine. It's not going to be easy initially but things will settle down for good, I'm sure.
No experience as a parent but I'm sure a lot of new mums go through this same apprehension. All I can say is I wish you well and hope your worries ease.
In today's time everyone wants to be financially independent by establishing his/her own professional career. For working mothers day care centre or creche plays a very important role where they can place their kid. You have taken a very appropriate decision by placing your in the creche near to your office.
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