When did the past eighteen years go by wonders Meredith, standing in the middle of her now empty home? The girls have both gone on to college and she doesn’t even know what to do anymore. Maybe now she can make that long impending move to push her career ahead. But isn’t it too late now? Maybe she can do the things she has been putting off for so many years now. Maybe she can do the things she wanted to but couldn’t for various reasons. But wait, what is it that she wants to do? All these years, everything she thought and planned about was about her daughters, for her daughters. Now all of a sudden, faced with this question, she doesn’t have any answer. She doesn’t even know what she wants. Moreover, can she really start over, carry on from where she had left off at this stage of life? Meredith doesn’t really know.
You must be wondering who Meredith is? Well, she’s just a character from a book, Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah. But while reading the book, I couldn’t help but wonder if most women become Meredith in one way or another at some point in life. I couldn’t help but think if I might become Meredith one day.When I was pregnant with M, I had promised myself to never give up anything after becoming a mother. I had promised myself to never put off doing the things I wanted to do in life. I wanted to use these as guiding principles.
To a large extent, I’m walking that line too. Well, at least so far. But it is just the beginning, the real challenges haven’t even started yet. It makes me realise that it’s not always possible, is it? It’s not always possible to be a mother and an individual as well at the same time. The former almost always takes precedence and should, I think. I guess it was just naïve of me to think that I could manage everything and do everything that I wanted to.
Not to sound negative but it’s just how it is, isn’t it? Somehow a mother, a parent often needs to put off some things from his or her wish list for one reason or another. Something happened which actually got me thinking about this more.
The husband came home from work last week and told me about a drive at his workplace, an exclusive drive to recruit women. It’s a good thing, isn’t it, companies trying to increase the number of women on their payrolls? But I digress here.
The reason I mention this is because the husband thought I should try too. The company he works in has great policies for women and otherwise too it’s very employee friendly. It could be a good move for me career wise as well. Also, stagnating at one place is never good in our industry. While everything he said was right and made sense, I realised I just can’t.
The first thought that came to my mind was M. I need to be there for her now and for that I need familiarity. I can’t move to some new surrounding where I might not find time for her. In fact, moving to a new project in the same company too is not something I look forward to because I don’t know if the people there would be as supportive.
So, no, I can’t move now no matter how lucrative it might seem. Well, at least not until M starts going to school. And that’s when it hit me, it starts with small things like this, isn’t it?
It’s not always possible to be a mother and an individual as well at the same time.
Of course, it’s not such a big thing, if I think about it. I’m working in a good place at the moment. I’m also enjoying what I’m doing. Apart from that, I have continued blogging and writing, something I never want to give up. So, that’s a win considering how shortchanged on time I am these days. I’m somehow miraculously fitting reading in my schedule as well. I’m in a good place, a very good place indeed. So, maybe I’m not Meredith yet.
But still, even if it is something as trivial as dropping my résumé, I had to let it go. Even if there’s no telling if I would even have got a call from there, I had to let it go. Maybe this is how, in one way or another, all mothers are Merediths after all.
What do you think?
It's sad to see this happening elsewhere, because in the United States, most all mothers are torn like this. Somehow, not the men. Bitter? No, just realistic. I hoped this double standard would go away in my lifetime (I'm in my 60's) but it hasn't. I don't think it will go away for a long time, if ever. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
All through the post I was wondering if a man ever feels this torn. Bringing up a child is a huge responsibility and it involves all sorts of changes … as long as you don't lose yourself in the journey these changes won't matter. Take care Nana. I am sure you won't be a Meredith.
I think you're doing just fine, Naba. Watching your child grow is the greatest pleasure in the world, enjoy that,as you continue enjoying all things that make you happy.
Dear Nabanita , I have become a Meredith. I always wanted to be there for my girls and don't regret it for a moment but I also realise that you can work and be yourself as well. You may have to alter your career path but don't wait for too late. When she starts going to school something else may turn up for you to postpone your relaunch …. So take your chances at the soonest ….
I have trodden along the same path of postponing the opportunities of job changes and work profile changes for the same concerns as yours. Beyond this I will not give you my example because I gave up after struggling for 1 and a half years. I just want to tell you things will keep coming up in future too or you might become too complacent being in the same place for so long. Take your chances.
I am in a Meredith kind of stage as of now! Kudos to you to be doing all the things that you are doing because the initial months are very challenging! Agree with the thoughts above – take your chances when you get them, but do whatever that makes you happy and not that which is the right thing to do!
These questions will keep coming up as we go along. And we will realize that life is not the same especially career for the mother and the father. Yes there are lucrative opportunities that one had to let go off because of a child. After all there are only 24 hours in a day. Just go with what your heart tells you and don't feel guilty with whatever choice would you make. Look at the positives, all the things you mentioned and don't lose sight of that.
These questions will keep coming up as we go along. And we will realize that life is not the same especially career for the mother and the father. Yes there are lucrative opportunities that one had to let go off because of a child. After all there are only 24 hours in a day. Just go with what your heart tells you and don't feel guilty with whatever choice would you make. Look at the positives, all the things you mentioned and don't lose sight of that.
Life is definitely not the same after kids – that's not to say it's worse – it's just different, nice different, if I may add. Of course there will be some things you might have to give up and yet there will be huge compensations. All I'll say is one shouldn't give up things they truly love because that makes for bitterness which can only harm your child.
I know how challenging this dilemma is and trust me, even ten years later there are days when I think if I'd have been better off in a full-time job somewhere or perhaps writing as a full-time writer. But as you say, there is this role that I cannot and won't give up, come what may. Despite all the tantrums and all the defiance and all the back talk, deep down I love her to bits, more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and for me, THAT is worth it all at some level.
You must be facing many more such issues as M grows older. Always be still and listen to your heart on those days.
Meredith I will be too….looking after kids who will eventually move on with their lives, and then it will be too late….I don't even remember when I was an individual….have always been playing one role or another….
Have a read Lean In? If not, pick it up.
While my advise may sound a bit odd and I know you will excuse me but quoting Sheryl Sandberg, "Don't give up before you actually give up.Lean in, push the gas pedal and keep moving."
It may get hard Naba, but you have to see for yourself before imagining. What of you get flexible work hours much better than where you are where you don't have to clock xx number of hours? What if the place is next door and travel time comes down? As M grows up, she needs to see her Mum did the best for her career and her daughter. So win-win. Isn't it? 🙂
It's not only possible, it's imperative to be an individual and a mother at the same time. I really believe that if I'm not true to myself, I have nothing to share with my kids. Or maybe 1/3 of myself. The last lesson I want to teach them is to be anything but 100% their real, full complete selves or to put a good chunk of it it on the back burner for anyone or anything.
Yes, once a mother, you sometimes need to put the mother before the woman. But, it is equally important to slowly bring that woman back in your life as the child/children grow up. How much and how soon depends on each individual, their priorities and the life stage they are in. A lot of times, it might seem that the mother always wins the battle yet don’t let the woman lose completely. She’s needed to bring that sense of semblance and sanity.
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O you won’t be Naba! Don’t you worry girl. We all know you! Yes, things sure will become challenging and yes, you might have to choose motherhood over an individual, but so what? Big deal! At times you will choose an individual over mother. It will be part and parcel of your life!
Congratulations for your website! It looks perfect!
Cheers
You are so true, Nabanita. We all do become Meredith sometime or other. I have been home since nearly a decade now- taking care of MIL earlier and now my old.pet dog. I was a teacher earlier. Now when I wonder what I can possibly do in the future, I am at a loss for ideas. But then I feel.great knowing that all these years I have been doing other things. I began writing and sketching which I never did when I was working. So even if I could not continue with my career then, I will surely have some other options to choose from in the future. But life has been good in spite of being at home. Life is good!