I had been trying to put her to sleep. Walking, singing and rocking her. But to no avail. Fifteen minutes. Twenty minutes. Forty minutes. One hour and still no sleep in her eyes. I couldn’t keep her on the bed or the crib either because she just wouldn’t stay there. One of those days when she was restless hence I became restless. Then my restlessness kept on increasing hers. A ripple effect. Cranky baby to a cranky mom and all the way around it went.
Tired. No, completely exhausted and out of my last drop of patience, I finally put her on the bed and started crying. She was too. For a moment there, I just felt blank and lost. A deep sense of helplessness engulfed me and I felt like there was nothing more left in my life anymore.
Her cries shook me from my momentary reverie and I looked at her scared face. God, I loved her more than I have anyone in my life. And I let my frustration take over me. My child just wanted to be wrapped in my arms on a day when she was not completely comfortable. My child. My small baby just wanted me and I phased out. Lost my grip on things.
The very next moment I picked her up, pushed my fears to the side and caressed her, hugged her the best I could. She fell asleep soon thereafter. But it also left me with these questions staring straight at my face. Again.
Will I be a good mother?Am I a good mother? Will my need to be ME stop me from being the best mother I possibly can to my child?Is love for my baby enough to be a good mother?What about patience and complete selflessness?
The answers didn’t come easily though and left me depressed and confused about my life ahead as an individual. In fact, I’m still looking for these answers.
Motherhood ain’t easy, I tell you this. It’s hard as hard can be and you are never off duty. As a mother, as a parent, you need to always be ready for the next thing your baby, you child, needs.
I had this fear of the kind of mother I would be even during my pregnancy. Honestly, my impatience is one of the reasons why this doubt often crept up, then and even now.
There are days when I’m bitter because everyone else’s life seems unchanged while mine seems to have turned completely upside down. It’s not fair but that’s how it is. For me and for all the mothers out there.
Sometimes I feel angry too. But at whom, I don’t know?
There are days when it’s relevantly easy too. Most days are actually like that. Easy, manageable and I can still to do the things I want to. But then there are days when I don’t find any time whatsoever. And then I move into a spiral of self-pity where I feel angry for not being able to be carefree anymore. And that’s when this question pops up in my mind like a venomous snake raising its head.
Will I be a good mother? Will I?
I come from the same place as you are in right now. I was angry too as to why just my life changed while others could still go about as usual with their lives. There used to be this constant feeling of being inadequate. My mind used to go numb to the cries. All this is part of the deal but remember to tell yourself this has nothing to do anything with being a good or a bad mother. There is no such thing as a bad mother. You love your baby and this matters.
Well it is tough to understand from a man's point of view.. but all I can say is you sure will overcome these hiccups as it is a learning process for new moms…and there are no manuals…
The fact that you are thinking about it shows that you will be a great mom. One does face such dilemmas. I still wonder if I have been a good mother. In retrospect, there are several areas where I could have done better.
I agree with Alka – the fact that you are thinking about it, and worried, means that you will do just fine in the end. None of us are perfect, and you will find your way. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
Nabanita, these are very common thoughts as a new mother. Be yourself. It is ok to be upset at times. It is definitely exhausting and as you mentioned – life is upside down. But, with time and patience, you will learn to prioritize, manage your time better and will be more cheerful. In fact, its great you are writing so much. I used to be bored stiff and in tears at the drop of a hat. But, we all learn and get on with life. You will too.
Oh Naba, I am sure with time all these insecurities and doubts will cease. You are doing your best and it is this love and wanting to do your best for your baby girl that will make you the best mommy! Hugs and Love!
You will be the best mom – the SuperMom…mark my words.
These are initial teething issues, which I am sure you will overcome. Everyone have these apprehensions in the mind initially considering a sudden change in lifestyle and regime the parenthood warrants. And every change does take time to imbibe and (I guess) the feeling gets further accentuated within as it directly relates to our piece of heart and we tend to be judgmental. Your realization covers more than half your journey to be Super Mom. . the balance is surely about inculcating the change. My blessings to little angel and loads of positivity & strength to the brave mother 🙂
It's not easy, Naba. What is important though is that you don't loop yourself into a guilt trip. This is very normal for a new mom. Gy did not sleep at all for the first year. The 3 months after she was born were sheer torture because she had colic. So yes, it's challenging but don't blame yourself. Even those with the highest reserves of patience run out of it thanks to childbirth and having a baby around. You're doing just fine. Trust me 🙂
Honestly, I browsed through the article as I am running short of time. So, not sure, but looks like you are a first time mother. Three are some unknown fears that erupt for no reason. I hope, like your writing, you will certainly take over things with your little angel.
There is no such thing as a bad mother as long as we don't purposely harm our kids. And these doubts, they are bound to be there. I used to have these moments when Kanna was a baby. I used to put the crying baby in the crib and step out of the room for a minute and then go back in. A tiny break can do wonders sometimes. You are doing your best, you should never forget that, Naba. I blindly believe that I'm a good mom, may not be a great mom, but good and I settle for that. Hugs dear!
Glad to know that I ain't the only one that went through this questioning phase. But I do know one thing…we all figure it out eventually
Naba, I really don't have much to say except that at some point, when we briefly considered adoption (until we found it wasn't an option by law), I wondered whether I was up to the task of being a Mom. Like Vinitha says, one can only do their best and believe that they're doing great.
Okay – you know I am not a Mum and you also know that I work in HR. So, what I can tell you is this – that when an involved employee is worried for her performance, she does the best and that is all the employer needs. Here lil M needs your best and you are doing your best cos you are worried if you will be good or not. Sounds fair? 🙂 🙂
It's a lot of work. And there'll be great days and not so good days. But you'll learn to take them in your stride.
Take care. 🙂
I feel that you expressed a very natural emotion of care giver as a mother. It shows how much you love your little one.
Stay blessed.
https://vishalbheeroo.wordpress.com/2016/05/10/a2z-reflection-tale-of-a-survivor/
If you care to ask this question to yourself…you already are a great mom…Best wishes:-)
You are a great mom dear. Don't worry. Babies turn your life upside down and have you questioning your abilities from time to time but don't ever doubt yourself . Don't over think – just go with the flow ….. Your baby will grow faster than you think 🙂
There are times when being a mother is challenging, but it is important to try to stay patient. You are doing well,
a happy mom makes a happy baby, vice versa. Enjoy motherhood, they grow up so fast.��
Hmm, I am sure this question crosses the mind of both- the expecting mothers and the mothers on duty. It's gonna be there forever. Since the love is boundless for your kid, no amount of motherly act will ever be enough for you so that you can affirm "I am a good Mother". Great post!
So heartfelt!
That's also my question to myself.
To answer yours, I think yes. 🙂
You will be a great mother. In fact, you already are. You can only do your best, and trust that it is good enough, if not perfect.There is no perfection in this job profile, and it is relentless duty – 24*7. I know it can get overwhelming at times, but it gets better – it does. One day at time. Deep breath. 🙂
From where I see, you're doing a wonderful job already. I'm not a mom, but I do have panic attack about what is happening with my life. It's just for an instant and once it passes I'm back to feeling good again.
I'm sure M's smile will help you do that.
I'll try to remember that, Anamika..some days it's tough.. I shouldn't but when I look at how only my life has changed, I feel so bad that it all goes towards feeling bad or feeling inadequate..but I'll try..
Thanks Prasad..I'm sure it's not easy for a father too..we all have our own battles..
I guess it's typical of a mother to feel so..I guess I shouldn't beat myself too much ahout it..
Thanks Alana.. I hope I do 🙂
I'm waiting for that.. I guess I'm still very new at it..hopefully in time I'll be better at it..
Thanks so much Aditi..I'm trying..sometimes just gets so exhausting that even love doesn't seem enough..
Thanks for your kind words..every bit of encouragement counts l..Really 🙂