Credit: Mother-Daughter by AstroStar via Shutterstock
Mommy has such ugly tooth, doesn’t she? I blurted this out the other night while carrying my daughter to bed. This when I caught sight of my gap tooth in the mirror. The very next second though I realised how wrong I was in saying this to her. The saving grace, thank god for that, was her being just 11-months-old, so she wouldn’t have understood a thing nor would she remember.
But what if this happens again when she is old enough to understand and retain? What then? What kind of lesson was I imparting about self-image to her?
The uncomfortable answers to these questions led me to decide that ugly is a word I wouldn’t teach my child. I don’t know how successful I would be in doing that but I would nevertheless give it a try.
Ugly Is A Word I Won't Teach My Child #Motherhood Share on X
Many years ago when my sister was about 8, she was pulled out of a dance practice at school. This was done by a teacher because my sister wasn’t ‘fair skinned‘ like the other kids in the group. She broke the synchronicity in terms of appearance or something of that sort was what the teacher thought. In my view, that teacher never deserved to be teaching in the first place.
My sister still remembers that incident clearly because she was hurt, really hurt. Maybe her being just a child at that point made the hurt even deeper. That is a feeling I have worked to shield her from ever since. And I plan to do that with my daughter as well, not teaching her ugly is a part of that process.
We can’t control what others think of us or say to us about our appearance. We just can’t. What we can do, though, and we must, is equip ourselves to just not be affected by them. And sometimes even give fitting replies if the need arises. Again, that’s what I have been teaching my sister over the years and that is what I’ll do with my daughter as well. And the term ugly has a lot to do with it.
If beauty is skin deep, so is ugly.
It is important to unlearn and even ignore the word ugly in the present context in which it is accepted and used. The emphasis on the transient aspects of beauty and appearance is deafening to an extent where things which really matter go out of focus. The side effects of the criteria for beauty, which upon not being met evidently makes you ugly or unpleasant to look at, are scary. Maybe that is actually what is ugly.
Depression, low self-esteem, self-doubt, the list is endless. I want to protect her as much as I can from all these and maybe focusing on the true meaning of beauty, on positive reaffirmations about herself, is how I can do that. And that’s why I don’t want to throw around the term ugly around her, even casually. Not only that, I don’t want her to use that term for anyone else either, hurting someone irrevocably in the process. And that’s why I won’t teach her the word ugly.
But that also doesn’t mean, I’ll not equip her to fight all that is mean and judgemental in this world. I’m not naive, I can’t afford to be as a parent. Ugly is never a variation of beauty or a manifestation of appearance because beauty is always but beautiful. But it exists.
Ugly is what lies beneath, a serpent, a venomous curse. If beauty is skin deep, so is ugly. After all nothing worth its weight floats on the surface. So, even though I’ll not teach her ugly, she’ll know how to recognise that sickening trait in people, recognise it as something which has nothing to do with looks.
Confident in herself, accepting of her true shortcomings and focused on what’s really important, that’s what I want for her and so I won’t teach her the word ugly as we use it today.
Tell me, what is that one thing which you believe one should not teach their child?
It’s a hard world out there, Naba. I commend you for taking the stance and helping your sister and child build self confidence in themselves. It’s also important to tell them that sometimes people are hurtful because they can be. It’s a sadistic feeling but it doesn’t define how we should respond to it. Despite everything I know that my child will be hurt, teased, bullied and made to feel inferior. The one thing we can do is always stay by their side and help them overcome those feelings of inadequacy. For that the only answer is love. Knowing you I’m sure it can be done too. Thought provoking post this Monday morning.
This is very true. Sometimes I get super irritated and yell at Bluey but the next moment I feel guilty that he will learn what he sees and I don’t want him to feel bad hurt at all. I don’t think I’m going to teach him anything negative that the society has. I’m going to do a similar post I think
This is a tough call for there are people including little children who, by the virtue of their conditioning, do and say things which puts the other person or child down. As parents, it is our duty to keep the channels of communication always open with our kids and appreciate their inherent goodness which plays a vital role in strengthening their confidence. At the same time, as per my experience, it does not always come easy. After falling terribly ill twice in the past 2 months, I have been feeling lost and there is some damage control to be done with respect to D. My chatterbox has quietened down and this is leaving me uneasy.
‘If beauty is skin deep, so is ugly’, what a poignant takeaway from this heart-felt post Naba! Self-esteem is something which the best of us suffer from. Early childhood experiences leave a lingering mark on our future actions, prejudices. I am all for banning ugly, fat, dark, poor, dim etc terms from our vocabulary! What is more important is to empower the child with the sense of being loved for the way he or she is, a person who’s loved will always be a confident in his own skin. Love reading your new mommy experiences Naba, something that feels like a lifetime ago to me!
Gap tooth, skin colour, short frizzy hair, overweight….these are few of the things that my children hear about me when I visit my in-laws. And it was wrong on my part to not to have reacted to it. Because a few months ago the firstborn gave it back to her grandmother with interest. I can’t say I was happy about it because I didn’t want her to answer back. But the fact that I don’t get to hear these things anymore makes me realize that I should have myself reacted much earlier. Children emulate us and so we have got to be really careful of what we pass on to them. A very pertinent post, Naba. Well-written!
This is a curse on mankind…My Brother is little dark. Since childhood, he heard this and now when, he himself say this that I am ugly because I am dark- it break my heart. My Parents and I try our hard to make him believe that he is beautiful – color does not define the beauty.
I always associated ugly with human nature. Recently I saw in a child’s text book showing a dark skinned woman as ugly and fair skinned as pretty. That’s what even the schools are teaching kids nowadays. All these discrimination starts from there itself. I want my child to learn everything, but in the right context. I want him/her to know that they’re are ugly people out there who they’ll have to keep/fight to live happily and beautiful people who they have to keep close. Like Shailaja said, it’s a tough world out there. We just can do our best and pray that our kids turn out to be beautiful.
So many prejudices are formed in those days of early childhood. The less judgenemental the children are the better.
There is so much conditioning by society and the idea of beauty does seem to be getting narrower. I find it hard to resist it myself but I am determined too. Very thought provoking. #mg
I know what you are saying. I’ve seen hurtful words tossed at my kids and l’ve flinched and fretted. No matter what we do, we have no control over others. And some people are nasty because they can be. But building the self confidence of our kids and providing them a shoulder to cry on when they are troubled goes a long way. I’ve also shared strategies on how to cope with the bad world and l’ve seen them work as well. I am sure your intentions are wonderful and M is in capable hands.
Ugly, weird, you-don’t-belong-here, it’s not restricted to words. Even actions show these feelings! Excluding people from groups without telling them why, can surely hurt more than just excluding people by telling them they are ugly.
It would be amazing if we could teach children everything about beauty, so when the time comes, they would see beauty in the most ugliest of situations. 🙂
children do not have their own vocabulary, they learn from their parents, when we choose not to teach them something, then it is the best decision taken.
Fabulous post! I’m not a parent (or even married yet), but I can relate to your thoughts. Children learn what they see around them. In fact, I believe that parenting is the issue for most of the social issues we have today. For instance, the word Ugly has become so common in households that we hardly pay attention to how deeper the meaning can be harnessed by a child who is learning things.
Nothing is ugly in this world, apart from the hearts of a few people.
The notion of beauty should not be taught to children. Society has a set of rules for it. Instead we should teach our kids to break the norm and do and believe what they want to. Ugly should not be a part of it.
Indeed and HATE is the other word. If you don’t like something, it is not necessary you hate it!
Naba….There are so may things we don’t want to teach our kids…..but they learn it all – despite our best efforts….I realized it when my son came to first grade…..They hear things, they copy their peers….they observe everything…..The best that we can do is help them make good choices, and the times they are wrong, help them realize where the fault lies….They will never be fault-free….We need to understand that….and the knowledge of good inevitably includes knowledge of bad too…..
This is such a great point. One I know that I never had thought about until now and I also really really do not want my children learning that word and making other people feel bad about themselves but equally I also do not want my children to ever use that word in reference to themselves either. #mg
Naba, I can relate to your sister. As a child, I wasnt those smart looking or good looking kids in class. – For some reason I would often be clumsy. And this apparently continued to till teenage time and I distinctly remember not being selected for a school play for the reason that I wasnt ” smart” enough. But the incident stayed with me for a long time to come and yes, the low self esteem creeped into me.
It took me years to get over it. But glad I did, cause today nothing can make my self esteem go low. I guess with age, the maturity has seeped in that ” beauty and ugly are both skin deep and not at face value.
Your prompt has triggered back those memories and I may just do a post on it … feel like doing it… I have never spoken about it for years….
One should not teach their children their opinions – for they kinder should be wise enough to form their own. Perhaps then, and only then will society see the beauty in everything. Lovely post! #mg
A beautiful and also sad read, I am so sad that that happened to your sister. My mother always told me she was not pretty, she needed to loose weight etc. She always told me and my sister how beautiful we were and yet I doubted her. People would tell me I looked like my mother so therefore how could I be beautiful? How could I believe that she really thought I was pretty if she wasn’t? What our role models say about themselves affects us. I never put myself down I want to show my girls that i believe I am worthy of love and respect and that i am beautiful and I hope to inspire confidence in them. I know I can not protect them from what others may say, but i can control the things I say #mg
I’d say you’re pretty spot on with this.
While I’ve never mentioned hating things about my body (I’m not sure I really hate them, but dislike bits), N is aware I’m on a diet at the moment but I try and explain it’s because I ate too much of the unhealthy foods and I’m trying to get healthy again. He’s aware of healthy foods and exercise from school, but I try and keep diet foods out of family life as much as possible, concentrating it during the week when I’m at work. I don’t want him to think that’s the norm for women, or that it’s about liking my body or not, because I’m actually ok with myself, I’d just like to fit into my old clothes and be fitter and healthier.
His dad does talk to him joking about pretty girls, but at the moment N has no concept of what makes a pretty girl. To him all girls and women are pretty. Although I don’t know when that will change (he’s approaching 6 years old).
But ugly is certainly a word I’d try and correct him on if he was using it. It’s more appropriate as you say, to refer to behaviours or traits.
:’m frequent reader of your blog. All of your posts sound good.