Of Knots in the Stomach & Missing Someone

Oct 31
NabanitaDhar

Have you ever missed someone in your sleep? 
Have you?
In you afternoon siesta, floating amidst the clouds of deep slumber, you suddenly knew something was not quite right? That haunting shadow of absence? Has it ever occurred?
I should tell you that it does happen. Even I didn’t know it did until S began leaving for his assignments for months on end. No the slumber is never disturbed, not exactly, but in essence you do know that someone is away. That something is amiss.
I was reading Sakshi’s status the other day. It was surreal, what she had written and what I was feeling just then. Something about the presence of an absence. Or, maybe the absence of a presence. Does it make sense?
Every time S has to travel I feel a strange kind of vacuum in my life. And the sad part is that I not only feel that at home but at office too. We work at the same organization, so it becomes even more challenging to navigate through my day without thinking about him, about what he would have said had he been here. No, I’m not the hopeless romantic kind. In college, yes, I certainly was one. But I’m not that person anymore.
I don’t know why but it becomes suffocating without him being in the same country or even the same city as me! Tell me have you experienced something like this, ever?
© Nabanita Dhar
Maybe it has got to do with how I spend my days. S is a huge part of my everyday routine. In such a manner that it’s hard to not feel lost or distressed without him. I still carry on though. That’s the only thing that makes any sense when he’s not around, to keep doing everything meticulously.
It feels so right too in some ways, most ways actually. What good is a rapport if we don’t feel the pangs of each other’s absence eh? What do you say? Our lives entangled beautifully.
When I make dinner, the wheat in the sorry looking container sitting in one corner of my kitchen seems miserable too. It knows I’ll not use it or even look at it on most days until S’s return. He’s the one who likes chapattis, you know? However, this time I somehow managed to get to it and make myself some. You’ll probably think that I’ve lost it completely. Well, that can be decided later I suppose. But I think his absence is so strong that, bizarre as it might be, this was my only way to console myself at that fragile moment. In a ridiculous sort of way no doubt but still it felt that he was around. S will probably laugh at this but he knows I’m the crazy one of the two of us, so it’s alright. And no I still don’t like chapattis S!
Standing at the bus stop I see couples going to office together. A knot starts forming in the pit of my stomach. It keeps getting tighter and tighter till I’m forced to look the other way. Getting in the bus is no consolation either. After all standing all the way to office just makes me miss him even more. Of-course S would argue I should have learnt to drive after enrolling for classes, not once but thrice. But then it’s not about the car or driving, is it?
His absence is like a bitter taste, lingering in-spite of my best efforts. But then it’s a taste I can’t do without either. A strange paradox.
It’s crazy how the empty water bottles in the fridge stare back at me. No they don’t want me to fill them up. It’s S’s chore they whisper. As I pick them up reluctantly I realize how silly I’m being. But still as I turn on the tap, as the water flows into the bottles, absentmindedly, I feel his absence again. And right at that point in time the water fills up to the brim and gulps out of it. And I let out a sigh thinking of the things the heart makes us do, or not do for that matter.
The coriander and tomatoes that we had planted seem to have lost interest in growing as well. I think they miss him too. No I really mean it. S looking eagerly at them at the end of the day wondering how much they have grown since morning. I think they noticed he’s not there anymore for the past few days. And they look dejected, withered in some way.
I just finished reading The Book Thief and it was full of German idiosyncrasies. It is after all a tale set in Germany! Was it a coincidence though that S was in Germany as I was reading the book? The last time he was in London I was reading a book which was set in London. I think I pick these books subconsciously knowing that they are set in places where S will be when away from me. Reading about the tube I felt closer to him. And now reading about Munich or bahnhof again made me feel closer to him. Yes, I know it makes no sense but I never did say that I’m here to make sense, did I?
I guess it is pretty much going to be the same always even when we are both 70 and he has to travel, maybe to go on a pilgrimage! I think I’ll feel the same way then too. I think relationships do that to you, the good ones at least.
Well, with that I sign off for today.
Happy Halloween!
Ciao!

38 thoughts on “Of Knots in the Stomach & Missing Someone”

  1. "His absence is like a bitter taste, lingering in-spite of my best efforts. But then it’s a taste I can’t do without either. A strange paradox." – You write so beautifully, Nabanita. While I am happy a few words of mine could make you write this deeply emotional post, I know very well that I could not have said all this as beautifully as you just did, even though I can see we feel exactly the same thing. 🙂
    Good to know you, Naba!

  2. Beautifully written, Naba! Such strongly felt absence is the proof positive of the enduring presence of the loved ones in our lives, no matter how far they may be in physical terms. Isn't it?

  4. Naba you are an amazing writer. Missing ones spouse is very natural . The way you expressed it no one else can do it.

  5. I could feel your heartache, Nabanita. Awesome writing and you have mentioned another favorite wauthor of mine, Sakshi 🙂 Great post

  6. awwww this is so beautiful and touching… You have expressed so brilliantly. I have felt like that just once, and no I didn't like it at all. Life is so miserable when your loved one is away.
    Lots of warm hugs to you… till S comes back.

  8. Oh love! You express yourself so lyrically, Naba! I rather enjoy the pangs of missing someone, the anticipation is so much sweeter!

  9. Nabanita, your writing of the loss of your loved one, even temporarily may seem surreal to you like a phantom loss; however, it is real too, meaning you have a right to feel the way you do and no, you're not crazy! <3 Let me cite you an example: the loss of my twin whom I didn't <3know was a void I felt most of my life, like something was missing. This might interest you - perhaps you can ask for a sign - http://xpressyouressence.blogspot.ca/2012/02/communications-from-my-dead-twin.html 😉

  11. I wonder how you were able to wodnerfully put every little detail in word. Honestly when people are overly happy or worried, they find it difficult to convey what they want to. And of course the heart misses the fondest ones. Once in a while when people dear to us arent around, we realize how much we miss them and gives an opportunity for the heart to become more fond of the person 🙂

  13. This is the third time I am writing a comment, Naba. Ah the longing, the love in this post. I have experienced it as well. But you know what, it strengthens your relationship. He will be back in a jiffy, in your arms, in your home very soon. Just hold on to that thought. Lots of love to you. Meet you soon.

  14. Here's a survival tip from someone whose husband is always on the move – do everything that you cannot when he's with you. I meet up with my old friends, invite them over, cook crazy stuff that only I like, go pub-hopping!

    The weekends are worse and dedicated to watching back to back movies and missing his presence.

  15. Have been away from S for 7 months now 🙁 save the 2 months I spent with him In gerMany recently. Could feel your words Naba. It's a not a nice feeling. But it's a good thing to be reminded of the love, sometimes, no?

  16. Thanks so much Sakshi…The reality and emotions in your write ups are always inspiring and this time it was so familiar…

  24. Thanks for that Elly… Thanks for saying that out loud that I have a right to feel the way I do..The validation is important 🙂 Heading over to your post

  26. Thanks 🙂 So true Ashwini in such time it's good to believe that 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'..

  28. Oh! blogger does this Rachna…I'm so sorry!

    I hope the time passe soon…I know it will make us strong but it is so hard as well no?

    See you on Saturday 🙂 Fenny's here we come!

  29. I know the weekends are horrible! I'm trying to immerse my self in books and movies..let's hope it works Purba!

  33. You have worded the presence of absence so beautifully, Naba. I understand this feeling, though I have stayed away from my husband for very limited time and that too recently. Last year he went to Dallas for training and me and our kid was at Phoenix, even though my kid was there I was disoriented without my husband, it was only for a week. But that was the first time in alomost 5 andd a half years marriage we were apart. Then beginning of this year, for almost a month he was at bangalore and we at Kerala. Though family members were there I had a hard time coping because then my kid also "abandoned" me (or so I felt ) in the company of his grandparents. If you can find that one person who misses you and whom you miss terribly then you are pretty lucky, right? I think so! 🙂

  34. You know you made everyone who read this feel you pain..I wont exactly call it pain for it is poetic too.
    Your S will be back soon to fill the empty bottles with water. 😀

  35. I know the feeling so well Vinitha…But yes as you said finding that one person we can miss this way means we are really lucky 🙂

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