One of the things you don’t think about when in love with someone who belongs to a different state, a completely different background is how you’ll raise your kids. When you are in the throes of love, you don’t think about the challenges of raising kids in a bilingual household. 

The thing about India is that belonging to two distinct states means speaking different languages. Why states? We even have different languages within the same state. That’s our diversity. So, while I was born in a Bengali family from the Northeastern part of India, S grew up in a typical UP family though he moved all over India while growing up owing to his dad’s job. But when we started dating or even decided to get married, we never thought about how we would raise our child should we choose to have one. Well, at least, we didn’t ponder on it at that point. 

If our daughter would celebrate Durga Puja, she would celebrate Diwali too with equal fervour.

After S and I got married, we knew one thing for sure, that the life that we build together would be on our rules, not our parents’ but ours. We would respect both sides but follow only those we were comfortable with. It wasn’t easy. It took time and we worked on it. We found a middle path where I didn’t enforce my Bengali upbringing on him while he didn’t push his UPite norms on me, a way where I adopted some part of his culture while he embraced some aspect of mine. And then I got pregnant with M.

While I was pregnant with M, S and I decided that if we perform any ritual for her, we would do it on both sides of the family. Since M was both S and my daughter, it couldn’t be one-sided. If she would celebrate Durga Puja, she would celebrate Diwali too with equal fervour. So, after M was born, while we had her annaprashan at my dad’s, we also had a havan at my in-law’s place. This helped put in place a system for our future decisions.

When I was still in the delivery room after giving birth, S while filling the form for M’s birth certificate asked if I was sure we should use just one surname and not put both our surnames after M’s name. We decided against it for that would unnecessarily make her name too long, but even then we knew that she would be a weird concoction of the both of us. She wouldn’t be raised believing that she only has to follow her father’s or only her mother’s beliefs. She would grow up in a household where both her mom and dad’s cultural backgrounds are given equal importance or none at all. 

Being a bilingual household, we focussed on teaching her both our mother tongues. So, I communicate with M in Bengali while S in Hindi ever since she was a baby. Today, she knows how to speak in both these languages. Mind you, teaching her both these languages is more than just teaching linguistic skills. It helped her know that her background even if different from most of her friends whose parents come from the same cultural experience, is also normal.

When it comes to love marriages it would do good to remember to not let either side influence the decisions you make as a couple. In fact, why only in love marriages, that should be the thumb rule in any marriage.

We also have to ensure that she experienced both our cultures. That is the reason why I have been taking M for Durga Puja celebrations almost every year since she was born. Now, she is more of a Bengali than me when it comes to Bengali festivals. She drags me for Saraswati Puja in the apartment and listens to Bengali songs more than I ever did. We also made sure that we celebrate Diwali with as much enthusiasm as at her dad’s. Now, it might seem what’s so special about celebrating festivals? But trust me, it isn’t just that. It teaches her to appreciate both her backgrounds.

The other aspect is food. Now, I don’t need to tell you how different Bengali cuisine is from that of a typical UP household. At home, we make sure she gets the best of both those worlds. So, she enjoys roti sabzi just as much she enjoys chicken curry and rice. The point is not to raise her only as a Bengali or only as a UPite but both. In fact, why only that? Today she knows a little bit of Kannada too. We are hoping she will learn more. She even learnt a little bit of Malayalam in her daycare. I hope this expands her horizons and even the understanding of her fellow countrymen eventually. But that’s something for the future.

But it has only been four odd years since M has come into our lives. I’m sure there will be more decisions to be taken in the future. But I think we now have a template for it which should make it easier. 

To summarise, here are what I think couples like us need to remember while raising their kids. Bear in mind, I’m not claiming to be an expert on it but I have seen it work for us and it might help you too.

Raising kids in a Bilingual Household

They must be taught to imbibe both cultures.

They must be taught the mother tongues of both their parents.

They must be introduced to both cuisines.

They must be taught to respect both sides of the family equally while embracing the differences.

They must be taught to adopt both their cultural identities without being ashamed of belonging to a family where their parents didn’t follow the traditional path of arranged marriage.

And most importantly, they should be raised in a home full of love.

Also, when your child is old enough, let her follow her heart in terms of culture or traditions. It is her life after all.

In India, it is said that marriage is not only between two individuals but the families too. While that is true when it comes to love marriages it would do good to remember to not let either side influence the decisions you make as a couple. In fact, why only in love marriages, that should be the thumb rule in any marriage. If you can manage that, it will help you while raising kids too. 

Well, that, my friends, are some of the tricks of raising kids in a bilingual household.

Before you go, do tell me, if you have any advice on the same?