The Curious Case Of The Indian Mother-in-Law!

Jan 18
NabanitaDhar

She forgets that a daughter was all she was once.

She forgets that a woman is what she is first.

She forgets that her daughter-in-law is where she was once.

She forgets that her daughter-in-law is a human first.

 

 

Well, folks that, for you, is the Great Indian Mother-In-Law, yes that is the notorious Indian Mother-in-law!

 

A mean conniving machine out to sabotage every peaceful moment of the female she strangely sees as her nemesis! Yes, this is what I have heard most women define their mothers-in-law as. Judging by their tales and anecdotes, I’d say I rather agree with this classification of this breed of mutated female species!

 

Don’t believe me, do you? Well, what would you say about a woman who makes her daughter-in-law wake up at 5 in the morning while her son gets uninterrupted beauty sleep? What would you say about a woman who forces her daughter-in-law to wear an uncomfortable saree while her fat and stout son roams around in mere shorts? What would you say about a woman who prepares fresh aloo paranthas for her son but would rather let her sick daughter-in-law starve? What would you say about a woman who would ensure that there is always friction between her son and his wife? What would you say about a woman who doesn’t recognise her daughter-in-law’s legitimate duties towards her parents? What would you say about a woman who loathes her daughter-in-law’s independence? Well, I don’t know about you but I’d sure want mother-in-laws such as these locked away in a place very much like the Alcatraz Island Prison! Often I am curious for I fail to understand how a woman can be so bitter and harsh on another, almost half her age.

 

Our society is such that the male child is placed invariably on a pedestal. He is looked upon as one who can do no wrong and that fallacy is somehow taken as God’s diktat.  And in this myth a sort of blind adulation and conceit is born that makes the boy’s family feel superior to others; that makes the boy’s mother believe that she is a cut above the others! It makes her assume that she has the right to rule over any female that dares to enter her boy’s world. Well, news flash neither she nor her son is the centre of the universe! Yes, she is still the mother of her sweet little boy who is now a grown man but that doesn’t take away the fact that her daughter-in-law is now as much a part of his life as she is.

 

This anomaly in our social thread becomes more poignant in an Indian context for ours is a patriarchal society where the only women who are considered important are these god-forsaken, son-owning mothers-in-law. I don’t know about you, but I detest them. I think they are a bane to our already dishevelled society which can’t even bring itself to respect let alone protect its women.

 

The Nightmare called the Indian Mother-in-law is a reality. She interferes, abuses and robs your peace of mind. You are lucky if you have one who is nothing like what I just mentioned. In fact, you are blessed for rarely do they package mothers-in-law in India without these defects!

 

Overbearing, controlling and manipulative are adjectives that describe these women the best. They are a nuisance for they destroy the very fabric of peace within a family and censure the girl who just entered the unknown household. Perhaps they are insecure or apprehensive or just vying for the attention of their son. But that doesn’t warrant the mental, emotional and at times even physical torture they subject their daughters-in-law to.

 

Well like it or not, they will be there in your lives and more often than to wreak havoc! They won’t change now for they haven’t changed for centuries! But to bring changes in the lives of women, we need to ensure that their breed doesn’t grow. One way of doing that is promising ourselves that if we go on to have sons, we would be the complete antithesis of the Great Indian Mothers-in-law we know of today! It might seem like a trifle but it certainly isn’t one. A mother-in-law that remains connected to herself as a woman will raise a good man, will be a mother rather than an in-law and will eventually pave way for a better Indian society!

77 thoughts on “The Curious Case Of The Indian Mother-in-Law!”

  1. Alas, that will take a generation shift. No fast track ways out there to clean up the mess called the Great Indian Mother in law 🙁
    Power-packed post!

  2. I know Akanksha it will take years for this change to come..Hopefully our generation will bring this change!

  3. You know, I think you have been a bit unfair to them. Of course, being a male I am not privy to such power struggles except on Ekta Kapur's numerous soaps; but I believe that their still might be a few positive points that you failed to explore. I do not mean to deride you, but I believe it will be difficult for you to look at this issue objectively unless you attain the same phase of life. And looking at your profile pic, that phase is a long way ahead 😛 Kudos…

  4. Mmm! A part of that is because you learn how to play different roles in Society by adopting those you have seen around you as role models – so,a first time M-I-L tends to adopt her M-I-L as a role model.

    The other issue is being unduly possessive in the love for her son and the irrational belief that the D-I-L will drive a wedge between her and her son. That very fear and consequent behavior actually helps to drive a wedge between her and her son 🙂 Some of the irrationality and counter-productive behaviors of the human species.

  5. Look society is changing at an extremely fast pace and so are the norms of the society.The shackles are breaking and that ice cold behavior which used to be the main reason of fight between in laws are melting but still there are some parts in our country which are deprived of proper education.
    The main reason of harassment which a mother in law impose is the lack of education and secondly, those damn Ekta Kapoor TV Serials.
    BTW, you bought up a really hot burning issue which no Media personal telecast on TV.

  6. Hmm! an interesting post. This MIL-DIL saga has continued for hundreds of years and will continue. The change cannot happen overnight or cannot be assumed to take a U-turn all of a sudden. The problems of dowry, having a son and many other social evils still continue to tarnish the Society.

    But there seems to be a little understanding in the present generation to deal with the relationship matters and let's hope that MIL-DILs will create a better partnership in the years to come.

    I would be dealing more on these issues on my blog as I have dedicated my blog to address the various social issues in our Society.

  7. All mothers-in-law are not this way. It is unfair to term all Indian MILs as"A mean conniving machine out to sabotage every peaceful moment of the female she strangely sees as her nemesis!"

    I know mine isn't.
    But I also do know some people who have MILs EXACTLY like how you've described here. That I agree is a horrible situation to be in.

    And in some very very rare cases, the daughter in law might be blamed for trying to break the bond between a mother and her son even though her husband's mother acts out of love.

  8. There's the story about a lady with a son and daughter who was asked about her children-in-laws. Regarding her son-in-law, the comment was that he was an angel. He ensured that her daughter never had to do any work in the kitchen, he ensured that all her needs her met, how she went on with her hobbies without any interference from the husband . . . But, regarding her daughter-in-law, the lady commented that her son had married a wretched girl. He had to do all the cooking, she had only time for kitty parties, and all she wanted was more and more. So, it's the perspective which matters.

  10. Interesting post! Hopefully our generation will bring the desired change and the next generation will look up to us and the vicious cycle of the victim turning into the perpetrator will be snapped.

  11. Well, i apologize for absconding from your posts for such along time. But i am back Naba.

    I respectfully disagree that all mother-in-laws are monsters. My wife is lucky to have one good mom-in-law.

    BTW are you in for bloggers meet in bangalore tomorrow (20 Jan 2013)? i am in 🙂

  12. I respect your opinion too. And as I said there are some who are really good MILs to DILs but believe me I have seen and heard enough to know that what I wrote about really does happen.. And you are right being a male, you might not entirely understand the nuances of this issue but then its unfair to ask men to understand it as well after all its their mother that is in question..

    Thanks for the comment Payoj 🙂

  20. Welcome back 🙂

    Ofcourse Mak you can always disagree… I did mention in my post that those that have good MILs are really lucky! And yes I am hoping to attend the meet tomorrow!

  22. Hi Nabanita, I whole-heartedly empathise with your opinions about the typical Indian mother in law. I don't think they need to be vindictive towards the independence of the daughter-in-law, just because they might not have had the privilege themselves 🙁 And yes, I promise I will not continue this vicious cycle 🙂 Sincerely hoping that we become one of those lucky ones with nice MILs in the future 🙂

  24. crispy post.
    Lets hope we bring a new dimension to this controversial relationship.Think that day had something going against MILs for I too had posted something on similar lines that day.

  29. Great Post!! bang on the subject loved the bit about male child…

    His fallacy is somehow taken as God’s diktat! Loved the nightmare of Indian MIL is reality lol Agree!!

  31. It don't stop just with MIL but also FIL who continues it even worser than her when his wife pass away. Only few parent-in-laws realise that they are a parent too and treat DIL as a member of the family. Rest treat her just as a unpaid servant who has come to serve them. That is our India!

  32. such PILs survive because DILs who don't have the habit of torturing or hurting others like their PILs & have lot of patience take them into their life & look after them. Such DILs do it on humanity grounds, as a kind gesture because they happened to be the parents of the person whom she married & loves.

  33. Visited your blog post for the first time (Unfortunately)…Great piece,Nabanita…this is how I see all of this mother-in law thing…
    A snake rushes to the shrub to change his outer skin every now and then and comes out freshly clad in a new stripped shining skin,but the venom of his mouth remains intact…
    Evolution will take place,slowly but surely…much improvement is see although the best is yet to come…Hope and pray it happens soon…

  34. Can't disagree completely. Hope when U will become a Mother in law, U wouldn't be like them:)

  35. In most of cases in India, I agree with your viewpoint. They feel insecure as the bride will take over her son completely resulting in the sharp decline of her importance in his life. But there are many good mom-in-laws out there also 🙂

  36. There are lovely ladies out there too 🙂 My mum is a wonderful MIL to my sis in law.

    But yes, this monstrous breed of women abounds and needs to be locked away in Alcatraz! They are the absolute bane of our society. They are also the kind of mothers who bring up misogynistic men who commit crimes against women. Down with them, I say. We young women need to stand up to these horrible creatures, make their lives miserable, and take a solemn pledge not to be like them in future 😛

  37. Hmm …. Heard about the kind of MILs you've written about and known and interacted with some absolutely horrendous DILs too! All said and done, regardless of whether she's a MIL or a DIL, I think she needs to be a woman first. It's a beautiful role to play – not tying yourself up or associating yourself with others in the role of a DIL, SIL, MIL anything or even a mother, daughter, sister etc. First and foremost, a woman needs to be a woman. If she cannot respect herself, she won't respect others. There are all kinds of women Naba. Yes, MILs have always garnered the negative kind of reputation – and there are enough examples to support the truth in it. But there are good ones too. And for any woman who plays the role of a DIL, it is important to go in with realistic expectations. Two different individuals from two different cultures and two different generations with two different kinds of upbringing are going to have differing opinions every once in a while, some more some less. We need to be cognizant of that and every relationship teaches us what we need to avoid as we have our own kids. I look at parents and I file a note in the recesses of my mind on something that I should never do for my kid when I have one. The same thing's got to apply to this one too.

  38. I agree Mira…they just don't get it….PILs, of DILs I must add, are no less either…They want to me the MIL and PIL both!

  43. As always Deepa, you have given a balanced view on the issue of MILs and DILs.. I agree we need to be women first, that will actually solve a lot of issues!

  44. Many people discount the MIL's behavior saying that she is insecure about her relationship with the son, however, the MIL does not care about the girl's relationship to her parents. I had a love marriage after much drama. The first time I spoke to her, she said I had to forget about my family after marriage. Isn't this hypocrisy? She wants to strip me of my family while she becomes the reigning queen of our lives. She is a widow and expects to be taken care of, at the same time she is very dominating. This combination of being vulnerable and dominating at the same time is very difficult to handle. It is true that there are nicer mothers-in-law out there but the fraction is minuscule compared to the dependent/dominating monsters-in-law. There will be some daughters-in-law who are selfish to believe that they as a couple have no responsibility towards the husband's parents but does that justify being mean to the daughter-in-law before establishing the fact that she is in fact selfish. I have seen that it is the mother-in-law who throws the first blow and of course, all in the name of Indian culture and traditions (elders always say things for your good. You are supposed to respect your elders). I post my MIL's candid statements here https://twitter.com/shit_MIL_says. These are statements made to me over the phone or in person without any provocation.

    If you are a good mother-in-law, I will bow down in respect, but just being a mother or a woman does not make a person kind, gentle and deserving of respect. It is one's good character that commands respect.

  48. Hi Nabanita,

    LOVED your article! Great writing…I also empathize with your predicament…and to some extent find myself in you too. . Though my MIL is not as bad, but she is definitely selfish.It's been 2 yrs since my wedding, and I have yet to be treated as a DIL, bad or otherwise!! I am actually treated as unpaid, sophisticated MAID! I am a working woman. And I don't work to be independent, but our situation actually demands it! But no consideration to that.I come from a very affluent family, but I willingly molded myself into their simple life style. My husband is very supportive and actually takes up matter up to FIL and MIL, when water rises too much above the head!! But she threatens up to boot us out of the house! I am fortunate to have a wonderful FIL and blessed to have a SIL as close to me as my blood sister! They all have their own clashes with MIL, but it saddens me that when their wife/mother is ill-treating me, nobody stands up to her for me!! Always my husband has to turn into villain. I don't know what to do! Should we get separated or actually try to win her heart over (which seems very unlikely as on today!)

  50. Nice-to-read post, but certainly there are other side of the green-field which is greener, must be painted on the canvas and what to do GOD has made our five fingers different. Have to go with them.
    Keep giving us posts.. 🙂

  51. Hi
    I have stumbled upon your post (unfortunately) just to get over with a tiff with my mom-in-law. All those expressed in the blog were absolutely true. She is good at times when my hubby is not around and gets mad and shout at me when he is there. I was forced to quit a govt job to take care of the kids. Now my children have begun schooling and my husband has allowed me to join a teaching job at my kids school itself. However my MIL doesn't want me to join. I have found alternative arrangements for my son after school hours since he is still in his kindergarten and leaves school early. MIL is neither ready to take care of him after school hours nor she approves of sending him to daycare after school hours. I am in a dilemma. today my husband supported me and both broke into a heavy argument. My kids are also not satisfied with this 'granny' behavior and they prefer to stay outside. We have conflicts in almost everything from food to dressing and finances. She wont allow me to cook in her kitchen and cannot cook fast enough.Many times my kids have been scolded at school for bringing breakfast itself for lunch. I am a fairly good cook and used to cook both native and international cuisine regularly ( we used to live separate before my FIL expired)and go to work. We are involved in charity and ministries as a family and used to help elders and orphans. When my elder daughter( 9 y) said she preferred those poor grandpas and grandmas who had no joys on this earth except for the little times that we used to go occasionally than her own grandma who was so mean to her, I really broke down.

    kindly suggest a good solution.

    SA

  52. I'd like to congratulate the author on a wonderful job with the post. Reading it had greatly reduced the angst i've been feeling, going through this situation. To know that millions of indian girls go through this even at this day and age is both depressing and aggravating. I thought our generation stood a greater chance with more women being educated, but I realise education has nothing to do with the kind of treatment metted out with indian in laws. The flaw is so systemic, there is no cure except treating symptoms and hoping your own kids will never come to it.

  54. I know this comment will go unnoticed because you already have so many fans around here.( lol!) You have written it really beautifully. Times have changed ,it's true.But only in modern India. But, what about the rural India which comprises majority of India.It still reflects the story you have written. Great work Keep it up.

  59. In my post http://proactiveindian.com/2014/03/15/kyunki-maa-baap-ek-din-saas-sasur-banenge-because-parents-will-one-day-become-parents-in-law/, I had written, "many of us are quick to criticise our own and our sisters’ parents-in-law when they discriminate against their daughters-in-law, but gladly overlook the same discrimination when it is perpetrated by our own parents. Sometimes, we even perpetrate the same discrimination ourselves!

    I’ve always wondered how, while so many women complain about the regressive behaviour of their parents-in-law, very few women speak about the regressive behaviour of their parents!

    If we want to get rid of old-fashioned, regressive, patriarchal attitudes, we must resist them and fight against them irrespective of whether they are displayed by our parents-in-law or our parents.

    Each person must remember that her/his parents are, in most cases, another woman’s parents-in-law."

  60. Hey..
    very well written..
    well times are changing.. not every MIL is like this..
    Even I'm married..
    But my MIL is truly a gem..! She's my rock in the house.. when she's not around, i really get nightmares as then whose gonna protect me from the other family members.. 😛
    Had expressed something for her.. in case you wanna know how MILs are now.. http://geetika-gupta.blogspot.in/2014/03/mommy-in-law.html

    Cheers 🙂

  61. I share your thoughts Nabanita. MIL's hatred and derision towards a DIL is beyond me. Women want a Son and the dowry that comes with his wife, but will not respect her as any human being deserves. The JLo movie 'Monster-in-Law' shocked me beyond belief that this biased behavior towards a DIL exists globally, in the 21st century. The sons are equally to blame, they turn a blind eye to their mother's attitude towards their wife, just like that actor in this hollywood movie. You are right, maybe our generation should bring in a revolution.

  63. Pls god help me cm out of this in laws hell.my mom in law n sis in law are mking my life hell.plz god help.

  66. I understand the part about MILs cooking exclusively for their sons. It boils me! Anyway I have a working MIL so her mind isnt as free as some housewives MILs.

  71. I was reading your post and my heart sinks. I cannot deny the situation of every Indian house and Indian mentality because I also face the same in my house.

  72. I am not Indian but even so, I share your desire to be a good mother in law one day. I have two sons and hope to be the sort of mother in law who feels like a real mother to her daughter in laws. In the best way. 🙂

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