The things kids ask! Did you know kids ask such tough questions?
I knew as a parent I would have to answer questions at some point of time but that it’ll start so early, I didn’t know that. As my little girl M is growing up, meeting new people every day having started school apart from going to the daycare 5 days a week, she has been asking some really tough questions to mommy here. Just 3.5 years of age and I can tell you she leaves me speechless on most days.
The other night she asked me why like other moms I couldn’t pick her up from school. Why I couldn’t pick her up like her friend S’s mommy does? A curveball right? Or, perhaps, expected? I don’t know now what I should have said to her and I didn’t know what to say to her then either. It was just like the time when she had asked why do moms go to work. Only, this time, I was at my wit’s end trying to explain to a crying 3.5-year-old why her mommy would not be able to pick her up from school. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t try. If there is one thing you do after becoming a parent, it’s trying to answer your kid’s questions every time, more often than not in the best way possible even if it’s at the end of a really long working day and you just need to close your eyes. So, I too tried.
Why like other moms I couldn’t pick her up from school. Why I couldn’t pick her up like her friend S’s mommy does?
I told her that since mommy goes to work she wouldn’t be able to pick her up after school. But then mommy picks her up from the daycare every day, which was great, wasn’t it? So, we were okay. Of course, that was probably the lamest answer she could have got and naturally, she wasn’t satisfied. She quipped if not school then why couldn’t I just wait for her outside our apartment to pick her up when she reaches in her school bus. Again, I tried a modified version of the same answer and she didn’t like it one bit.
As you can presumably understand, I was just trying to move past this uncomfortable truth that I would probably never be able to pick her up from school as long as I’m working. How could I tell that to my little girl?
But you can’t avoid existential questions forever and this to me would always be existential. I told M that if someday she has school and I have a holiday, then I would definitely pick her up. This to calm her down. But the little observer that she is, she couldn’t fathom how that would be possible. She asked me if I meant to send her to school on a holiday. Needless to say, I had to come clean.
I told her that since I have to go to work, it would be very difficult for me to pick her up. But that didn’t mean that she has to be unhappy. I told her that one of the many things that mommy working does for her is the guarantee that every legitimate and practical demand of hers is met. I told her that it’s very good that her friends’ moms can pick them up from school but the fact that I don’t doesn’t leave her at a disadvantage. I reminded her about the fun she has in the bus with her friends. Of course, she didn’t buy it completely but I think she realises that all is not lost. Well, not yet. Yes, her mom would probably not be able to pick her up as she would like but it’s okay. I know I’m going to try to compensate for that and hopefully she doesn’t hate me too much for not being there every time she sees other moms picking up kids. But that’s just the way it is.
I have said it before and I’m saying it again now, it’s not easy being a parent. It’s even tougher being a mom and if you have to work from outside of your home, it becomes harder still. But I keep telling myself that it’s all for the greater good. Well, at least, I hope it is. When she asked me the question that night, I felt a little bad for her. I felt maybe I’m letting her down but I stopped myself from feeling guilty. In my heart, I know that whatever S and I have decided to do as her parents will help her in the long run. So, maybe she will not have her mom pick her up from school every day but her mom will love her no less. Right?
To you, parents, I ask, what is the toughest question your child ever asked you? And what did you answer?
Exactly! We do our best as parents. Of course we miss out on a lot but that can’t be helped. I saw my niece having a lot of resentment when she was sent to her play school even in her summer vacations because my sister had a very hectic job. I saw her struggle through a lot of guilt. It’s so sad that this has to happen but not all of us have support systems. M will be fine. Kids are very forgiving in the long run. Try not to let this affect you.
When N was small, H and N were playing ‘the grown up game’ and H picked up his bag and said ‘I’m going to work’, then N picked up hers and said ‘I’m going to the gym’. As someone who had worked all her life, was so completely invested in it and had derived so much pleasure from it, this was a heartbreaking. I so wanted her to say ‘I’m going to work’ too. And I was filled with guilt because I wasn’t ‘working’ in the traditional sense of the word. I thought (still do somedays) that I wasn’t being a good role-model for my daughter.
I’m telling you this only because guilt is part of a mom’s framework. Whether you work or stay at home, you will have to deal with guilt. The trick is in not letting it get to you. You are doing fine. And she’ll be fine too – way more independent and self-sufficient because you aren’t around all the time. Hang in there for a couple of years till she begins to really appreciate you.
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Oh yes kids do ask these wuestions. They arrive out of a very innocent comparison that they do with their peers. And as they grow older, these questins increase and sometimes it becomes very very difficult to come clean and give them the answer.
Its a struggle that I still go through. But then I keep trying to priovide them with some logic that will satisfy them.
These questions, though completely innocent, can be super tricky at times. And I feel like they are usually trickier when they are things we struggle with ourselves. Things we question / aren’t as happy about etc.
But at the end of the day, all we can do, is our best, whether it’s parenting, or with answering these questions. 🙂
Kids will never get tired of asking questions, and it will only increase as they grow up. You know Naba, maybe one day you can take a day off from your work and surprise M by picking her up after school. She will be happy, right? But of course, it will be followed by more why don’t you do this every day question. So… She will understand why her mommy can’t pick her up after school and as she grows up she will be appreciative and proud of you, Naba. But for now you have to deal with these questions. Just don’t let yourself feel guilty for all these. You are a mom, whatever you do, however you do, nothing won’t be enough, and there always will be a lot guilt to deal with. That’s just mommy life.
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