How Do You See A Woman?
From times immemorial, much before you and I were even born, the worth of a woman, her value, has been attached to her ability to give birth. Her standing in society, in her family, has always been linked to things like her being married or not and then if she’s a mother or not.
This rot is so deep-seated that even if a woman ends up inventing the cure for Cancer or discovering life on Mars, her worth would still depend on her being a mother. Yes, that’s how this society thinks and perceives women. But what’s even more unfortunate is many women end up believing the same as well.
If you are fed a lie at every step, there’ll come a moment when that’ll start being true for you.
A few weeks ago I was tagged on Facebook by some of my friends to take part in the Motherhood Dare. It was a harmless thing going on in social media. Women were sharing pictures of themselves with their kids, sharing with friends basically, just like you and I share photos of a holiday, graduation or a wedding. Harmless really without any conniving subtext. At least, I’d like to think so.
Everything has two sides. Sometimes more.
There was another side to this too, just like everything else. Some chose to take offence. Something along the lines of, isn’t being a woman daring enough? Or, why flash your happiness around when other women might be going through some really hard times? Again, something which is not unwarranted.
But if both sides were right in feeling what they were, why were the sides so different? In fact, why were there two sides at all in the first place?
I’ll tell you.
I thought about this a lot. I thought about why women sharing pictures with their children was being construed as mean and hurtful. The answer, my friends, wasn’t really surprising.
The answer, my friends, lay in an entity responsible for a lot of our troubles.
Society.
Yes, society.
It is the society which has pitted one woman against another. It has created a gap on the ludicrous ground of haves and have-nots. It has created a demarcation which in reality shouldn’t exist and doesn’t exist.
Stop seeing your worth in the eyes of others unless it is through a mirror.
I have seen friends break down from the pressure of becoming mothers. Not only that, I have seen them have physiological issues because somewhere our mental and emotional state is linked to our physical health too.
Somewhere they have been made to believe that being a mother is everything there is to a woman.
I just want to tell them that’s not true.
Don’t let society tell you what your worth depends on. First of all, motherhood has nothing to do with being a complete woman. Not marriage, not motherhood or any other condition that society might lay down upon you.
Every woman is complete and her essence has got nothing to do with her reproductive abilities.
Be a mother if you want to be a mother, when you want to be a mother.
I have also had friends who wanted to become parents but it wasn’t working out. While that can be painful and tough, the pain was multiplied a thousand times by the people around with their incessant questions and raised eyebrows. A personal battle was made a spectacle because respecting privacy isn’t second nature.
I think motherhood is beautiful. Tough, tough, tough through and through but certainly beautiful. But as a woman, you need to decide if it is for you.
If the answer is yes, then there are many ways to be a mother. I’m not trying to patronise here. I’m just sad to see so many beautiful and great women putting so much pressure on themselves. I just want to say let it be only about you and not what people say or think.
And those who don’t want to be mothers, don’t let the whys make you feel bad. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. Neither of us does.
Being a woman ain’t easy. Don’t let the society’s parameters determine your self-worth. Be responsible for your own happiness. I know I try to work on it every day.
Actually, feel what you want to not what others want you to. Be happy or sad, cry or sing at your own will. Life’s hard as it is why get boggled down by borrowed weight?
And yes, don’t let social media be the judge of how happy or perfect someone’s life is as opposed to yours. Actually, just don’t compare. You never know what goes on in their lives for everyone has their own battles. So, don’t let something on social media make you feel bad. It ain’t easy but like my husband says, it ain’t hard either.
Much love.
From one woman to another.
Well written post Nabanita. Our society need more women like you. Every word is soo true that many of us can relate to it.
When I was not even married, someone actually asked me question about when would I be quitting my job as marriage and kids are the only goals in a woman's life and make her complete. My answer obviously did not please that person.
The saddest part is most of the time women ask such questions.
Totally agree with you. Nothing other than you can make yourself complete. In in your mind and not in your body. Good one as always Naba. Such a strong one.
Powerful, thoughtful and thought-provoking post.
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I can see how Moms would want to share their special moments and I read and shared the article by Sreemoyee which also had some valid points.
Your argument is perfectly balanced and so well-stated. Woman or man, we must define ourselves.
wow what a braveheart post! Hats off!
I see this behaviour all the time around me. It's like other women judge you based only on ONE quality. In a friend's case, on the day she delivered a beautiful female baby, she was told by her female relatives she should plan for a second boy! How inhuman!
I believe that the notion that each woman wants to have a baby of her own has been highly overrated. I, for one, do not think that my life would be defined only after giving birth. Anyway, love your writing style <3
Being a mother is a choice, just like being married is a choice. I hope we can build a society where acceptance of this fact becomes the norm. I empathise with the women who felt sidelined by the motherhood challenge simply because I've known loss. And as someone recently said in a beautiful talk, you cannot empathise unless you've been there. There is nothing truer than this. I know what it's like to be a mother. I also know what it's like to be marginalised for having depression. So, while society should not determine how we perceive ourselves, that's easier said than done. It takes a lot of effort to rise above it all. I pray that more people get the stamina to do so. Well written post, Naba.
"motherhood has nothing to do with being a complete woman." That is so true! Powerful post Naba. Very well written.
Excellent post.even after motherhood ,women face battles in life..either to quit job or not.lot of effort nd stamina from the mother to come up in life while the society is ready to pull u down.
Excellent post.even after motherhood ,women face battles in life..either to quit job or not.lot of effort nd stamina from the mother to come up in life while the society is ready to pull u down.
Damn what are you drinking these days girl… Your posts always leave me thinking… Wondering… I wasn't even aware of the motherhood challenge so can't say much on that but you made a very valid point in how society pits one woman against another… How we measure ourselves by the happiness of others… Very thoughtful post Naba.
Very impressive.
I appreciate how you are standing up for women, all women. I agree no facet of life'completes' us. It just makes us richer including motherhood. That said, l also feel that we overreact unnecessarily to harmless memes. I saw a bunch of posts on motherhood dare and got tagged by a lot of lovely women too. Not a single one was insensitive to a non-mother. I thought it was a spontaneous thing with some wrong semantics. I think society comes from us. And change if slow. I am seeing people slowly wale up to more choices — single women, childless families etc. Just like joint families were a norm at one time, not any more. Similarly we will see other societal changes happen. Let's facilitate each other's choices in the meanwhile.
I appreciate how you are standing up for women, all women. I agree no facet of life'completes' us. It just makes us richer including motherhood. That said, l also feel that we overreact unnecessarily to harmless memes. I saw a bunch of posts on motherhood dare and got tagged by a lot of lovely women too. Not a single one was insensitive to a non-mother. I thought it was a spontaneous thing with some wrong semantics. I think society comes from us. And change if slow. I am seeing people slowly wale up to more choices — single women, childless families etc. Just like joint families were a norm at one time, not any more. Similarly we will see other societal changes happen. Let's facilitate each other's choices in the meanwhile.
very well written!
Society has always been unfair for the fairer sex, unfortunately. All the rules and clauses are meant for us and we are expected to abide by them. And to make things worst, has arrived our social media, where happiness is so materialistic. very well written Naba
I'm not going to say much except stand here and clap loudly 🙂 You know that's genuine praise, don't you ? 🙂
I haven't really had much exposure to this topic in my friend circle.. But I guess your point is valid. Thanks to blogging, I've been exposed to many parenting bloggers. And what I've learned is that everyone is unique, in their own parenting style. And that's good, I think. After all, we aren't really making robots which should all have the same capabilities and talents, are we?
Well written, Naba 🙂
I love you for writing this. It is after a long time I'm reading something good about women written by another woman.
Society always creates non-existent rules, but the problem is when people choose to abide by them. Being a mother is a choice, and that is not the only reason why a woman comes into this world.
Women need to come out in support of one another. Sadly, most women these days are hell bent upon pulling the other women down.
I don't even understand what this "Complete" means! Who invented this? And this is not applicable to men. How impartial! Poor men never even have the opportunity to complete them in any way! The thing is women do this to other women. An age to get married, to give birth, to finish all the births, I mean what nonsense!
Hats off to you. It is so much hard for a woman to make marriage and being a parent a choice. Women are married off at a very early age in fear of not getting grooms later on. It is pathetic to see the society's way of judging them.
Thank you for speaking up and letting the world know. We ladies do need a lot of support from each other.
While this motherhood challenge must have started as a harmless, feel good, feel proud thing, it totally got a different reaction from non-mothers and I agree with them, despite being a mum. Motherhood is not something that completes us or defines us. Our passions, our work, our achievements, our relationships, these are the things that define who we are.
I think it trickles down to a personal choice of being a mother or not. You articulated your views in a balanced way. I find nothing wrong with the Motherhood challenge. True, one shouldn't be labelled as being a mother and life doesn't at that. There is more to a woman, other than being a mother. Individuality matters!