What If I Lose My Memory?

Mar 12
NabanitaDhar

Which one is mine? I wondered as I stood in front of my bathroom mirror. Since there are only two toothbrushes at any given time in the toothbrush holder at home, you would assume a dilemma such as this being unlikely. But what do you know! Today I stood there unable to determine which one was actually mine. It’s not like both are of the same color and hence the confusion. Not at all. And thus you’ll understand why I was a little flummoxed at this. It was as though my mind went completely blank and I didn’t know which one to pick up. Now as much as I love S, we don’t share toothbrushes. Honestly, I think, I was a little scared for a moment or two. Granted it was only about picking my toothbrush but how could I not remember? It should have been like a reflex action just like any other day but it was not to be.

Source: FreeDigitalPhotos.net by cooldesign

This is, however, not the first time when I experienced this; this feeling of my mind going completely blank about something. A few days back I just couldn’t recall what a shower gel is called. I was ordering some stuff online. I knew I had to order a bath gel as well. But at that point, I just couldn’t recollect its name. Later, I had to explain it to my friend by action, pretending to pour something on a loofah. And only when she said what it was did I actually remember. Go back a few months and I couldn’t even recall that a curtain is called, well, a curtain. Sometimes I feel these are signs that one day I’ll, perhaps, forget everything. But that’s just the conspiracy theory loving side of my brain talking.
“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.” ― Haruki Murakami
But these small incidents made me wonder what would happen if I truly forget everyone and everything one day. This thought, I must admit, is as scary as being left alone in a deep well with no prospect of anyone ever hearing my pleas. Losing memory is like being stranded in a sinking ship when you don’t know how to swim; clueless as to where that sole life boat is as well. Hence, this trivial yet baffling episode today filled my mind with so many what ifs.
What if one day I stand in front of the same mirror and fail to even recognize the reflection I see? What if one day I forget S or worse even, fail to feel what I do now for him? What if I forget the precious bond that my sister and I share? What if I lose all the wonderful memories of my childhood? With the door to my past shut will I still be me? Or, will I just be an empty shell, breathing but not really living? I’ll lose everything I hold close to my heart and not even know that I have lost something, something precious. Unsettling, this thought, isn’t it?
 “Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it.” ― L.M. Montgomery, The Story Girl
Memories make you what you are in so many ways. I don’t ever want to misplace those pearls that have been sewn together to build my life. I really don’t. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. In fact, I know I’m being paranoid. But it makes me realize how dear I hold my memories as I’m sure you do too. The past, your memories, shapes your future. It should never be let go of.

“The past beats inside me like a second heart.” ― John Banville, The Sea


45 thoughts on “What If I Lose My Memory?”

  1. Lovely write-up Nabanita. I could relate with it completely cause even I go through such moments – very recently with my credit card! Had no clue where I kept it – turns out I had given it to mom :p it's scary – this thought! 🙂 cheers!

  4. The thought is scary and you have expressed so beautifully. Our lives are made up of so many memories that losing them is a hard thought. That's why it better to make as many as possible so that loosing a couple seems fine 🙂

  5. My grandmother suffered from Dementia. It is the the worst thing. She could not even remember her own daughter. I really hope and pray nobody ever loses his/her memory.

  6. Wow…what a thought! I never ever imagined how it would be if I were to lose my memory. I especially loved this line: "I don’t ever want to misplace those pearls that have been sewn together to build my life. I really don’t." Simply beautiful.

  9. Do not frighten me 🙂 I AM facing issues of memory loss more frequently these days – hunting for words that I never have had to do before; not recollecting names that were as familiar as mine etc. etc. AND I live alone, without anyone around to jog my memory. *panic attack*

  10. This could be just a random phenomenon, do not worry so much. But I think the larger point you make here is a very valid one. What memories really mean to us and how we are in a way being constrantly 'created' by our memories. A few weeks ago I saw the movie – Still Alice, I think Julian Moore recently won an Oscar for this film. It is about her character's struggle with the onset of early Alzhiemer and how she and her family deal with it. One particular scene in which her character speaks about what it means to lose memory is very nicely done. Don't want to scare you or anything, but you may enjoy this movie just as a movie 🙂

  12. Honestly I got a little scared after reading this. And if this is happening too many times, I think you should pay attention to it. Yeah maybe I am paranoid too. Like you said, losing memory scares the living wits out of me.

  13. Don't worry girl, it is not only you! The toothpaste thing happens to me almost every week. I stand in front of the mirror feeling blank! Just for a fraction of a second though!

    It is scary, but I hear it is natural as well.

  14. The things that u mention have all happened to me..(are happening to me …actually..) including the toothbrush thing! And i have been having these fears too, of late…i have stood with a blank mind so many times that i wonder if im in some early stage of memory loss!! all the what ifs are so real! Scary scenario!

  15. I've seen Alziehmer's affecting distant relatives and reading some of the books I do, makes me feel like you. You know what, Naba? A couple of years ago, I couldn't remember so many things. I then realized it was stress and not getting enough of sleep that was doing this to me. Do you think that's what it might be with you?
    Toothbrush tip: We try to buy the same colors for each of us every time! 😛

  16. This is a phenomenon, which most of us face as we age. Of course total loss of memory due to Alzheimer's is scary indeed. You can't do much about it.

  26. Oh my first thought is Alzhiemers but it's just my paranoia , atleast I hope so…I will watch Still Alice though !

  31. It could be stress Corinne, at least I hope so…I'll take that toothbrush tip seriously , thanks 🙂

  32. If this is the case at this age wonder what will happen to me when I get old or rather older 😀

  33. I have reached a stage where I am suspicious of my underwear too. Are those mine? Is it my father in laws? Or does it belong to my son? I have started writing inside them "MINE"

  35. Naba, don't fret too much dear. It is normal to have moments of blankness from time to time for various reasons. Sometimes I forget my friends' names (and I don't have that many close friends!) 😉 <3

  37. We all have these little "brain cramps" occasionally and once you hit menopause, they tend to get more frequent! Yes, memories are what sustain us and it is heartbreaking to see those suffering from Alzheimer's who don't recognize their own family members. Here's hoping this fate eludes us! Modern medicine has made some breakthroughs in treating this condition and I'm sure there will be more in future.

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