Dear M,
I hope you are feeling better today because I absolutely hate it when you fall sick. Yes, I know it’s only normal and everyone falls sick once in a while. But darling, I just don’t get it why kids have to be sick. I guess no mother does. Anyway, I wanted to write to you about something I did a few days back and what I realised from that. Something about your mother’s patience. About why yelling must not be a mom’s first resort.
I wanted to write this down for two reasons. One, to serve as a reminder to myself and two, so that you know your mom is no superwoman, she is flawed and prone to stupid outbursts like everyone else.
So, this is what happened. We had just gotten back from the daycare at the end of another exhausting day at work for me. Since you had as always made your hands dirty searching for treasures on the ground, I took you to the bathroom directly to get you cleaned. In the process, we left your diaper outside which I’d throw away once I had changed your clothes and sorted you. Well, that was the plan.
Once you finally let me clean you up and get you a change of clothes, I brought you to the living room where you were to stay till I finished my other chores. So, handing you some snacks, I went on to play your favourite rhymes on the TV to keep you engaged. I would now get on with all that I needed to sort before the cook came in for the day. Also, and most importantly before I could finally sit down with you. But before any of that, I had to dispose the diaper which for the life of me I couldn’t seem to find anymore. It just seemed to have vanished in thin air.
So, I asked you, over and over again for its whereabouts. When I still couldn’t find it I started yelling at you because I thought you would have put in somewhere you shouldn’t have. So, I took you along and asked you to show me where you had kept it, all the while scolding you for touching things you were not supposed to. Do you know what happened next, darling?
Well, you took me to the utility where your diaper bin is and that’s when I realised that you had actually put the diaper there. How can I explain how bad I felt at that moment? Needless to say, I picked you up and hugged you tightly. M you must know by now that I’m such an impatient person. Often that comes out wrong and I end up scolding you when I can actually let it pass. Why when you run around in the parking lot on our way back home from work, I almost lose it every day. I know I blame the heavy bag on my back and exhaustion after a tiring work day for my behaviour or impatience. But does that justify how I react? I don’t think it does. Well, it doesn’t alleviate the guilt either.
Trust me, I’m trying to improve. I’m trying to learn some of it from your dad who seems to have a reservoir of patience when it comes to you. That day you, my little girl, had helped me in reducing one of my chores and what did I do? I thought the worse and started scolding you without knowing the truth.
I hate that version of myself who yells at you or looks at yelling as her first resort without even thinking about it.
Well, that has got to change or at least improve. I’m working on improving myself, M. There won’t be any overnight transformation or a complete change but I promise to not fly off the handle like I do at everything.
I love you munchkin with all my flaws. Hope you’ll always remember that. And I hope this episode stays in my mind and reminds me why I must not yell at you without all the facts at hand.
Love,
Mum
It happens. It’s not nice and leaves us feeling guilty but this has happened to every parent. It is the exhaustion sometimes that makes us short on patience. I used to have a harrowing time when the kids were young. Trust me, they forgive you. Even now when I lose my temper to them, the one thing that strikes me is their magnanimity when I say sorry. They understand! Of course, it helps to take a deep breath and calm down. Yelling does not help anyone except momentary venting. But then we are human. Do the best you can.
Oh Naba so many times I realise I just shouldnt have lost my temper. Its always later I realise,if I let the moment pass and then sit and talk to my daughter, she actually learns better. Sigh! I am still trying to control that temper of mine.
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awww that must have felt so bad. But how well she is learning 🙂 I remember a similar thing had happened to my Mahi once. She felt so guilty afterward.
Don’t stress too much. Once she grows up and reads this, she will understand 🙂
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I think we are all guilty of this. It’s a good lesson in humility and learning to say sorry even to our children.
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this is very true. we dont realise we tend to take out our stress out on our kids
Patience is something that we have to practice every day. I think it’s great that you acknowledged your mistake and acted upon it, by holding her and apologizing. Remember that you are a mom…. and moms are humans, too. We all make mistakes! The hardest part is to be humble and apologize when we are wrong, and you have that down already. Practice patience and you’ll be a “super-mom”! 🙂
awww.. those lines “I love you my munchkin with all my flaws.” I yell at my little one so many times, I hope he forgives me. Trying hard to improve.
M did that? Wow, daughters are daughters, aren’t they 🙂
I’m not a pretty patient person either, but over the years I have learnt to develop some of it when it comes to the people I love. You will too, I’m sure.
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I have to admit that I would resort to yelling when the boys were younger. And then I would feel so guilty afterward. I can’t ever remember my parents ever yelling at me so it wasn’t history repeating itself. Just a frustration level reached and societal acceptance of less than polite behavior in today’s world. I do regret it deeply.
I try not to yell. But it does happen if no one listens to me. I don’t do it on a daily basis, but my kids know if they don’t listen, my voice is going up.
This was great… I myself often find myself yelling right of the bat, particularly when I’m stressed, and it does nothing but make my toddler and myself feel bad. It kills me that I could potentially strain our future relationship from it to, like I’m leaving a subconscious impression that “Mommy’s a meanie” or “She doesn’t trust me anyway”.
It’s not a nice feeling afterwards but it happens to everyone. Even those of us without kids, one little moment can be the tipping point and it just pushes you over the edge and yelling is a primal instinct we all have. The fact you feel bad afterwards shows that you didn’t mean it and that you care, I’m sure M knows just how much you love her
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It’s hard being a mom. Sometimes I feel like kids immediately listen to dad because of his deep voice. This is a great blog post.
I used to be a yeller but stopped after seeing the effects on baby #4. I now take deep breaths and think before I speak.
I totally agree. It leaves the kid scared and turns them into introverts.
This is so beautifully written and very relatable. I have 2 sons and boy how they try my patience on a daily basis. Yup, I’m so guilty of yelling and coming back to say sorry. It’s not easy being a mum but like you beautifully concluded, we do love them with our flaws and all.
I’m in constant reminder to myself to handle situations better daily ! I think we all do everything you have expressed at some point and we all feel the same way 🙂 We do what we can to be better as parents 🙂
While I don’t have kids, I have cats with whom my first reaction is to yell at and then the next is to go and hug them! You have captured this conflict beautifully!
I always hate it when my mum yells at me; she always looks too impatient and unfortunately, I’m growing up to be like her!Ooops!But it’s always nice to see dads having more patience and control. Think I should emulate my dad,right?
This is such a nice post and it is very informative, I learned a lot from it that we should practice patient everyday and we should learn on how to say sorry with our kids when we made a mistakes.
I hope you read all the comments here and find yourself as forgiving of yourself as they are. It happens. Thanks for sharing.
It happened a lot of times with me and my niece. Now I learned to always ask nicely and try to understand her actions.
This is so true. Thinking back to my childhood, I feel like shouting at your kids causes them to hate you when you do that and therefore nothing gets through to them.
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I totally agree I try very hard not to yell and I know that when I do it means I’ve lost control and I also know I need to apologise. I can’t tell my kids not to yell and then yell myself! x
Oh no, please don’t beat yourself up. We all yell and sometimes, we don’t even realise why we were doing it. I see it as you caring. Though it’s not nice for the person on the other end, sometimes it helps but mustn’t be used as a first resort.
we’re people. We all make mistakes and we can only learn by doing.
My! M is such a good girl! And, so is M’s mumma, who is a human, at the end of the day! Of course, we all do that–yell, get mad, go crazy over trivial stuff, but that’s because we are bogged down by a hundred other issues that worry us night and day.So, it’s okay, Nabanita. But, it’s a good episode that you have journaled here to remind you the next time.
Oh, how right you are! I try to control my emotions, but sometimes it’s too late.
I was in tears reading the part where your daughter took you to the utility to show she had done the needful with the diaper and you had the realisation. I have been through similar situations numerous times and have cried hard. Building up a mom’s patience is a lifelong task. You fail once, promise yourself this won’t happen sooner the next time and then it happens again sooner or later. You make a resolve, promise to yourself once again, try hard. This is a long cycle and a little awareness every time acts helpful. I have to applaud you for writing this letter in the public domain, letting out your imperfections for others to see and in this way letting the others see their imperfections as well.
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I love that she has learned to do this, but I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it must have been for you. As you said, you’re human and children are more forgiving and loving than we realize.