Marriage is perhaps a word which is not as huge as the importance it actually carries in a couple’s life. It is a bond which if nurtured carefully is a boon. But if not it could well be a bond that suffocates you throughout life.
Now, I’m all for marriage, a marriage which treats both the husband and wife equally. In the interest of full disclosure, I must add that history is not my strong point but certain aspects of marriage as advocated in the Indian society are not for me. For example, I don’t believe in the philosophy of the husband being the all-important entity in a marriage and thereby the family. For me, it’s equality in all aspect and understanding that makes for a great marriage. When I speak about equality, I don’t mean how much money a spouse earns. No. For me it has to do with how the husband and wife treat each other and how they are treated by the families of both. Unfortunately, there are still some marriages in this present day modern India based on a bogus and archaic belief system that places the husband on a pedestal with no regards to the wife!
About 5 years back I had written about a man who wanted a wife only as a caretaker for his parents. I called him the
anpad (uneducated) techie at that time. And looks like there are more like him around. A sad, sad fact but what is even worse is that women toil to put up with such non-sense. Of-course, I don’t intend to judge them but I just wish they didn’t put up with it.
For the husband who believes his wife is meant to be doing everything form household to office work, taking care of children to his parents, I suggest some soul searching perhaps? And the woman who keeps doing it, keeps compromising either for the sake of the love she feels for her man or because apparently this is how it is supposed to be, know your threshold please.
My dear woman, marriage it’s not supposed to be an institution where you concede everything, even your self-respect. No! While love is important, I don’t think it’s your sole responsibility to maintain the relationship. Please don’t do this to yourself, if you fall in this category. I know it is drilled in our minds that marriage is a sacred institution and we must do everything in our capacity to save it. But do remember that a marriage in which you have no respect or where you get occasional respect is also no marriage at all.
To all those women who compromise every day in a marriage either to avoid conflict or to save their men from stress, I wish you read through this. And maybe, just maybe, it will help you someday?
- Your husband is not the one who runs your home, you both do.
- The onus of your relationship is not only on you but him too.
- Respect his parents certainly, but to run all the errands for them while your husband enjoys his life is not right. Responsibility in a marriage has to be shared!
- You are not an unpaid maid to his parents. And if he says you haveto cook, clean and wash their clothes every day or else he will rebuke you, he doesn’t deserve your love or respect.
- If he’s not there with you when you need him the most, then there’s no point of him being there with you at any other time.
- Fall in love but don’t lose your self-respect in the bargain.
- The moment he asserts that everything in your home happens at his approval, you should know what he thinks of you.
There is so much more I want to say, and I’ll do so in a separate post, continue from here. But the intention is only to say that don’t sacrifice so much. A relationship which makes you cry and compromise on a daily basis while your man doesn’t budge an inch is to me not a relationship you need to fight for. Realize your worth, please!
***
P.S: I know not all husbands are like this. So, please spare me the lecture :). Also, I know there are husbands who suffer at the hands of their wives, I’m sure someone will write about them too. I have written this post so that someone somewhere might perhaps gain the courage to make a positive change in life after reading this!
I need to send this list to some close folks so that they realise they are in a shithole of a marriage.
I am so glad somebody wrote this. It is infuriating and painful to see wives treated as servants and not equal partners. As you rightly mentioned, the onus of responsibility is on both.
These days, I am regularly witnessing how girls are forced to marry by their parents and made to feel inferior to the man. They are also directly and indirectly told that a wife should do "everything" to keep her husband happy and that she is wholly dependent on him. Unfortunately, this is also the case in those so-called modern and urban families.
Keep writing.
P. S – I have written something on the same topic – http://thecommonmanspeaks.com/2014/07/10/arranged-marriage-forced-patriarchy-casteism-feminism/
Lovely post Nabanita… needs to be shared everywhere so the MCPs can read it and learn something!!
Well written Naba ! Hopefully, women will be able to shun the traditional burden imposed on them and have the will & the guts to oppose archaic constraints
Great post… I sometimes get angry on women around me who hav compromised their whole life n except others to do the same n wen other women dont ..they tag them as selffish..just hypocrisy !
thanks for sharing !
South Asian Women
This was a real eye opener to how different Indian marriages are from the ones we enjoy here in the United States. Very interesting article. ♥
Hopefully more women can break free of the shackles of a loveless marriage with no self-respect and find themselves. Sad but it exists, even today. A much-needed article, Naba. Like you say though, you never know how people will react 😉
Very well said! It is so important to have equality in a marriage, and I hope more women come to realize this. Thank you for sharing your insights!
yes…..the courage to leave, the courage to stand up for yourself, the courage to move out of a suffocating relationship….that courage is missing…..may your words reach someone who needs that push…..
Naba, sadly I've come across such men and women. Some of them just don't have the courage or wherewithal to walk away. I could never understand why a woman was expected to be a sacrificial lamb. It is ridiculous.
Naba, sadly I've come across such men and women. Some of them just don't have the courage or wherewithal to walk away. I could never understand why a woman was expected to be a sacrificial lamb. It is ridiculous.
Such men and women are to be seen everywhere Nabanita. While men take them for granted, the women don't dare to step outside their comfort zone and, in most of the cases, the reason is financial insecurity.
Self-respect and financial independence should be the primary steps to the solution…..really a great article Nabanita…
Pity is, the people we least expect it from are the most MCP when it comes to marriages, Naba. Seriously makes one's respect plummet. I've seen instances of inequality in our family – and the irony is, the women are quite happy about it. But I've also seen absolute equality from some of the old-timers and that warms my heart.
What really freaks me out is the label "it's her duty" when it comes to household work, regardless of whether she goes out to work.
Great post! 🙂
Very well written! I think, before anything else, women need to start saying no and stop taking complete responsibility. Too many of us "accept" discrimination as a part of our daily routines. Simple example – you and your husband come home from work; you deal with dinner; he sits down in front of the TV or the internet. The problem is, we don't see all this as a problem!!!
Do stop by my blog sometime too 🙂 i write on stuff like this, myself.
I agree with every word that you have to say! If only some men and some women understood this.
Sadly, such marriages exist and women put up with all sorts of nonsense either because they've not known any better or they don't see much hope. Hope the situation changes sometime in future.
Very nice and boldly written post Nabanita! You are very clear in expressing your thoughts which I admire a lot. About the post, I agree with you that marriage should not be a compromise. If we believe it to be a sacred relationship then the basis of it should be love and respect for each other not dominance and compromise. Both men and women need to understand that.
Yes I am sure you have changed a life somewhere!
Needless to say, wonderful post!
A lovely well written bold post….Yes definately marriage is not a compromise.. iT is all about having repect and equality in the relationship.
-Ramya
Couldn't agree more with this post
Great post and I could not agree with you more.. Self respect and knowing self worth is so important and mostly married women forget that fact!
I hope woman facing such situations get benefited through this post. Sadly, women having real issues still does not get the point! Nevertheless, it is our duty to spread word about duty and you have done a fine job by writing this post.
I find it hard to fathom that there are such men out there, only looking for a woman to be a caretaker for his parents: how selfish and shameful of him! Women need to own their dignity or else they will be trampled on or worse. Trust me I know! 😉 <3
There are a lot of women who are in such marriages. They spend their entire life adjusting to please/ obey /follow the husband and the in-laws and losing all the self respect, independence and her own individuality in the process. I wonder, if they even realize that they and their husbands are equal partners in their marriage?!
May there be a greater awakening to the innate humanity in everyone, in women and men….that's all I can say! Such tendencies to boss around, have unrealistic expectations and abuse the other person for no reason happen when we forget our innate humanity.
Good one! Sadly, we still come across many financially independent women suffering in dirty marriages. They can choose to walk out n live life on their terms, but their upbringing n societal pressure forces them to endure. Time for society to wake up n move ahead.
Very much true Naba. Unfortunately the society has brain washed women to believe that this is the only way how a woman should live and sadly women put women in this situation of compromise for the rest of their lives. Hope someone at least changes their perspective and lives a positive life.
I love you for writing this 🙂
Agree, woman shouldn't sacrifice at all. "wife only as a caretaker for his parents." only is wrong here.
Agree again :)But do remember that a marriage in which you have no respect or where you get occasional respect is also no marriage at all.
Now the curiosity is if you are married or not?