There was a post on a friend’s Facebook wall mentioning the fun she was having shopping with her husband. Nothing unusual. We women enjoy shopping and are proud to admit that too. But what suddenly caught my eye were the comments. Almost all of them stating that her enjoyment (read shopping) must be taking a toll on her husband’s finances. I admit it must all have been said in good humor. But why the assumption that when a woman shops, it must be her husband always paying the bills? Why not say that her shopping must be cutting a hole through her very own purse, that could be funny too? Of-course, there is nothing bad when the husband pays but don’t you think a woman could also be spending her own hard earned money? That she could also be capable? Why must we assume that even an educated, employed woman has to depend on her husband for something as basic as shopping?
And from there on I realized that it’s actually a given for people to jump to conclusions about both men and women. In-fact, the imagination of people with respect to what women can do is so ridiculously limited that often you are left gaping at their foolishness. Of-course, this does not apply to all but there certainly is a section that can’t think of a woman beyond the roles of a wife, a mother or a daughter-in-law. And the sad part is that they always think of women as an entity being eternally dependent on a man. Why?
Whether we admit or not we like judging women and like applying stereotypes to them. I say we for sometimes unknowingly I end up doing that too.
When a woman says she has good news it is assumed inevitably that she must be pregnant. Why? Can’t a new job, a raise or merely a new dress be her good news? Why does being pregnant have to be the only good news for a woman?
And it doesn’t stop there. When a woman says she doesn’t enjoy or even know cooking that’s sacrilege. Why? Why is it so important for a woman to know cooking when men can get by not knowing it? No offence to men but why the judgmental attitude towards women? Sad part is it is often us women who judge other women too.
When a woman says she isn’t ready for being a mother that makes her cold? Why? Is motherhood the only destiny of a woman? It’s her life to lead not the world’s to enforce terms. Being married, being a mother and what not. Why the checklist for rating women?
I don’t love cooking, I abhor it. I’m still not a mother and will only be one when I think I’m ready for it. While my husband splurges generously on me, I like to shop with my own money. I don’t do my job because I have nothing better to do. I do it to be independent. And that is true for every woman I know. Whether working or a stay-at-home mom, every woman is self sufficient and she is not an add-on to a man. So next time before you judge, before we judge, a woman maybe take a moment to not shackle her to a socially acceptable mold or jump to conclusions about her. Let her soar, let her fly or even descend at her own will.
What are your views?
I couldn't agree more woth your view! How strange is the fact we who ask people not to be judgemental, end up in being judgemental too!!
Fully agree with you. Jumping to conclusions about others might be too easy but not correct. To start with, women should stop being judgmental about women.
I agree completely…I don't think you are overthinking here.Most of the times it is we women who ourselves end up stereotyping our roles and let men come up with such assumptions.
The problem is not many people can handle an independent woman and these kind of comments are just means by which they put her in a place where their minds have decided she should be!
Oh, yes! Being judgmental or stereotyping for certain behaviors and skill sets/ roles is so common. It gives that feeling of one-upmanship and gives a chance to look down upon people. I wish we remember to not judge others and stop this stereotyping!
Every man or every age group and even women should read this. Women are the one who judge other women most.
A well written post. I couldn't agree with you more. Its high time we stopped stereotyping women and looked up to them. My first visit to your blog is a treat. 🙂
http://anitadesais.blogspot.in/2014/05/mother.html
Can't agree with you more Naba! Very aptly said. We judge ourselves too harshly. Is it because it brings solace, in some crooked way, from being harshly judged all the time? I've seen people's expressions change in a second when I say I don't like to cook. Even here in the US! So much so that now I don't say it any more.
I don't like cooking either. What hurts most is when women judge other women or stereotype them based on clothes, habits or lifestyle. But things are changing Naba. I loved the chracter of a single mother played by Lisa Haydon in the movie Queen.
Yes Nabanita, quite right. Society can't help but think in the way that they have been taught to. It is deplorable of course but that mindset is indeed changing. The change is small at the moment and it is excruciatingly slow, but it is happening, I've seen it happening in the youth.
Posts like these are the reason that I look up to you and your work. Do take a look at this, you might know how much: http://brendanantondabhi.blogspot.in/2014/05/brandy-whiskey-all-that-for-all.html
Agree with you, Naba. Women are supposed to know & do many things simply because they are women. And yes, people love to jump to conclusions…
Nabanita as you must have read my posts,i write always about hating lady-like stuff like cooking, embroidery(cant switch to save my life)
http://nimadas.blogspot.in/2013/11/on-being-unladylike.html
http://nimadas.blogspot.in/2014/04/normal-0-false-false-false-en-in-x-none.html
Its so true what you wrote about women being judged differently.
Can't agree more. This world is all about endless loops of judgements and worse when it comes to judging upon woman. I always feel it's nice to be a woman… Damn all those judgements.. 😉
To some extent, we have brought this upon us. I know women who earn but they save their entire salary. Maybe that is the agreement in the household, but why save just yours? You can save a percentage from yours and your husband's – right?
When a woman goes to her mom's place, the mother buys her jewellery/gives cash. I don't see my husband getting anything from his dad. Infact he contributes towards their finances. Why can't we do the same?
We need to change certain things. We have already come a long way by being independent. It is time we show it off as well.
A rather interesting and different argument. One I always enjoy indulging in. The deal is that we don't let people be. even if she is spending her husband's money is it really our business? And not just women even men become victims of such stereotypes..
Richa
Actually problem with women today is they think too far deep in detail as they look into when they go to buy nice dress or pair earrings…so all your thinking is due that very nature of women nothing wrong though …as men are victim of similar kind of perceptions for many things they are not but have been labeled for i.e i am sorry, i have to say this in hindi to make it sound funny , "maa kehti hai ….wo tuje bander ki tarha nachati hai…. dost kehte hai tu yaar kutte ki tarha wafadar hai wife ka… aur wife kkehti hai mera hunsaband toh ghadha hai…we know we are none of these so called items now you sum it up your self what kind of blows in sizes and shapes we men receive from the society …ha ha ha.
but agree with you entirely about the good news relating to pregnancy without a shadow of doubt … that was brilliant ..hahaha
Reading this post brings certain things to mind. My sister is a working woman and often complains about the work culture in Kolkata. Mainly because men are pretty judgemental about the women here. Even most women (#independent self dependent young women) adopt this attitude when it comes to career choices made by certain ambitious women who choose to delay marriage and focus on their careers.
We women first need to change our attitude towards ourselves. Only then can we expect the others to change around us.
thats the ways of the world.. it works the other way round also .. men are this .. men are that .. judgemental we sure are ..
its like if a car is not being driven properly we say its probably a woman driving and if its too rash .. we say its probably a maniac man..
I also feel that most of the time all these saying that came to be , spending husbands money , and others .. its other Woman who say that Mostly .. maybe I am wrong but I am sure most of the comments on your friends fb page would have been from other women 🙂
but saying that even the pregnancy or marriage thoughts its more women who say such things about other women ..
Anyway things are getting better these days i feel, people are realising what is important ..
this too shall change in time ..
Bikram
I agree with you on so many levels with every issue you addressed. Woman can be independent and there is more than pregnancy that can be great news. Great post!
Very true ! Even if we have something expensive, the comment that we get is, " arey you're so lucky. Your hus spends so much for your pleasure." Why does it have to be the husband ? Why can't it be her ? And as Richa has correctly asked, what's wrong if she wants something for herself ? Why should anyone be bothered at all ?
And why can't women save ? May be, she's prudent enough to save. We might be shopaholics, but we're not spendaholics. We're saveholics as well !!! 🙂
I must disagree a little bit. May be because of my age and experience, my take is that things are not totally black and white. If there are stereotypes about women,same is the case with men as well.
Good analysis though!
Thanks Nibha 🙂
So true!
Thanks Vinodini … I so hope this changes….
I wish that too Shilpa…hope to see the change more!
Yes we certainly do that a lot Red!
Thanks Anita 🙂
You know I have been told that I should atleast know how to cook for everywhere I can't find restaurants..I wish to God I had asked them to teach their son too!
I loved her too! And yes Alka we do judge women so much, us being women ourselves…I hope the change continues
Thanks Brendan for the mention and wish you many more years of blogging…And yes you are right change is small now and I just hope it keeps happening too!
Thanks for dropping by Anita..I hope things keep changing!
We are so similar Nima 🙂
Thanks Nima 🙂
So true! Yes, damn all those judgements Nishana 🙂
You raise a valid point I don't understand why some working women after marriage can make their parents spend so much on her in-laws and herself…occasional gifts are ofcourse fine but after a point in life I feel it's the daughter who should take care of the parents and not the other way round!
True! I guess we like to meddle on others affairs and ofcourse drawn futile conclusions
Maybe you should write a post on how men are stereotyped too , even they deserve a voice no?
I think your last line sums it all Anusree!
Strangely Bikram all the comments were from men! I agree women more often than not judge fellow women making their lives difficult!
Thanks Kathy 🙂
I know what you mean Sreeja and I agree! What is wrong with us no?
Thanks Uppal 🙂
This is an excellent article and one that has impacted me greatly during my life. I am single and have never married. I have always been very independent and never met a man I felt was right for my life style. I've even been judged by some of my best friends. Once when I was out with my dearest friends in a limo to celebrate my five years cancer free, a old friend says with a harsh tone, "why haven't you ever been married?" My response was, "why? does it make you uncomfortable?" She got a real funny look on her face and had no response. Why do people care so much about what life choices people make? My buddy had a lot to drink that night, but I think that's why her judgment came out. Great food for thought for all.
Very pertinent questions raised. Society has stereotyped women and behavior which need to change for better…
hmm yes i should and we men do deserve a voice.. but our throats are bought by women & they own us by heart, throat and mind…hehehe.
Nicely Penned………..
Funny I never splurged on my Dad's or Husband's money but my shopping burns a hole in my purse, So it's true what you are saying, Why do I work? to earn, have a career, be independent, I don't want to be a mother why? coz I am not ready and don't know if ever will be. I agree to every point you say. Aptly written
An interesting post, Naba. Indeed there is a lot of stereotyping and assumption/generalization that goes on there. But like many other readers have said here, the worst is when women do this to other women. Why can't we follow one simple philosophy – "you do your thing, I'll do mine, no hard feelings. If you want to splurge on your husband's money, no issues, if you don't that's fine too. It doesn't bother me a bit because it is not my concern, and whatever I do shouldn't be of your concern too. Simple. You like cooking, great, invite me over. I don't enjoy cooking, so what? Next time you visit, we'll order pizzas. Chill. Just be and let me be." I think we don't follow this simple rule, because it is so boring. It is much more fun to gossip and make comments/assumptions about others even without knowing anything about the other person or his/her life. Sad indeed….
ohhhh well I am glad I am not one of THOSe men then ..
Very well said Naba. I agree with all your points. We are so good at judging and jumping to conclusions. We should Live and let live!