‘Being married is like walking on a tightrope for a woman. She should be really careful for the next step she takes could be the very last, the one that results in the collapse of her relationship. Of-course she should get along well with the in-laws too. The husband doesn’t need to do any such thing since he doesn’t live with his in-laws.’ These were words spoken by a dear friend of mine and it got me thinking. Why? Why should it be so? Is the onus of a happy and successful marriage only on a woman? I don’t think couples think this way, at least not all and definitely not consciously. Hence I told my friend that I don’t agree with her and we had a long discussion as to why. But this philosophy or rather social diktat enshrined in our society isn’t something that is going to change soon. However, don’t you think it’s high time it actually did?
I personally feel that certain aspects of our Indian society are skewed against women, especially against the married ones in this context. A lot of things are imbibed in us, through family and some just by being part of this society, that end up making a feeble case for married women in the long run.
The very first thing that comes to my mind is that a woman has to inevitably move in with her in-laws leaving her parents behind. If she doesn’t then she is labeled a home-breaker. But my question here is that if a woman can be expected to move in with the husband’s family, no questions asked, then why can’t the woman’s aged and sick parents move in with her? And please don’t say it’s part of the culture and has been going on since ages. Sati was once a part of our so called culture but we all know now that it was simply preposterous. Things change, mindsets evolve, right? Like we certainly wouldn’t jump off a bridge in the name of traditions, would we? So shouldn’t we use that thought process and assessing capability in every aspect of our life too? Of-course, one can’t do anything and it’s utterly shameful too when some women use these archaic norms as an excuse to wash their hands off responsibilities.
When a married woman wants to take care of her parents it is frowned upon or looked at with surprise. And I seriously wonder why? Just a few days back when my colleague came to know that I was accompanying my parents for their treatment she asked me why? Really she did! She asked me that is it because I don’t have a brother? Why does this have to be the natural reaction? I would have taken care of my parents even if I had had a brother. Or, should people with no sons be left to fend for themselves in the old age? It saddens me that women ask me these questions too. It saddens me that they think this way. If they themselves are willing to let go of their parents then why would the society change right? Anyways, let me not digress here.
While it becomes the woman’s duty to take care of her in-laws the same is not expected from a man. Our great society doesn’t think that is necessary at all and by society I mean both men and women. My question is when a woman is expected to take her husband’s family then why doesn’t it work the other way too? Of course there are many good men and sometimes we just need to ask them to do it for us but don’t you think it should be something that doesn’t have to be spelled out? Just a thought really.
Permissions and sanctions from in-laws or compromises to ensure that in-laws are not hurt are the next to-dos for women. The happiness of a woman’s life is often handed over to the husband and his family. Sad part is some women do it voluntarily and then end up being treated like a doormat. Is it necessary to suffocate a woman to establish authority when she enters a new household? I wonder why does it have to happen? Why this need for control from what women wear to how many clothes they own? Or, if we look at it the other way, why the need to appease everyone but your own self if you are a woman?
I know even women get angry or irritated when their in-laws come visiting. But you know often that happens when a woman doesn’t get the support from them or has bitter memories of them. Of-course, there are bad exceptions I don’t deny that. But I know women who feel stressed for they have to tread carefully for fear of irking their husbands or in-laws. What if the situation at home becomes uncomfortable as a result of her hosting her parents or relatives? I know women who have even told their parents to avoid conflict at home. So I want to ask do men feel the added burden of ensuring that their spouses are not neglected or not taken care of when anyone from their side of the family visits? Do they feel uneasy as well? Actually this mental pressure on women irks me and I find it upsetting.
Isn’t a marriage primarily between two people? Isn’t it of utmost importance then that the two folks in a marriage hold each other’s hand, not just physically? Sometimes women, for the sake of peace in the household, keep to themselves when they feel smothered or hurt. But I don’t think they should. We women sometimes put too much pressure on ourselves. Sometimes we are to blame for we don’t take control of our lives and happily hand it over to someone else. It’s important we live our lives the way we want to and I don’t think anyone should have any issues with that. But still if they do then they don’t deserve the attention, don’t you think? But yes the support of a partner, the active participation of ones partner in anything we do is something we do crave for. We might not say that aloud always but we certainly do.
So perhaps I can only ask the women to understand that their happiness is important too and it is up to them to ensure that. I want to ask all women to take care of their parents, wear what they want, eat and drink what they want no matter how much the society thinks they shouldn’t. Women should go out, have friends and enjoy their lives the way they want to and not according to the choice of in-laws, no disrespect meant but that’s how it should be. And yes every once in a while every woman should have a heart to heart with her partner for I’m sure he’ll understand her. And if he doesn’t well then a woman must know what to do. Don’t you think so? Don’t give up your responsibilities because you are a woman and also don’t get smothered because you are one!To all women – Stop following all the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’. Only do what your heart wants.
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PS: This post is not against men. I have two wonderful men in my life in the form of my father and my husband. And because of them I know great men do exist. I’m just trying to think out aloud through this post and maybe help dissolve the knots in the minds of some women who I know are going through turmoil owing to the equations at home formed by unfair societal norms.
Naba – I practically belong to the previous generation, so let me tell the tale of my two sisters-in-law (cousin). The one has a widowed father living with her and the other a widowed mother AND both of them have two brothers each. SO – Go tell this to anyone who says that the daughter need not OR ought not to take care of her parents that THAT thinking got outmoded even in the previous generation.
Nabanita first dump this dumb colleague of yours!Things have changed a lot in urban India today.Its now no longer this way,in laws live with son or daughter who ever they feel comfortable with,or who needs them.The women these days are mostly working and move to the place of work and she and her husband move in together. Old parents (at least mine do)prefer to live on their own (so does my in laws)I mean i have no hang ups on either my parents or my in laws living under the same roof as mine. The more the merrier !!The man when he marries he too has to adjust with his inlaws family, whether he is living or not living with them.
Well I have lived in the Urban area but my love for a man landed me in an in laws place in the rural areas and things have not changed. From me being introvert to so called educated (being a PG is a big thing for them!) to my not wearing saree everything bothered them. Luckily my husband is more understanding. I remembered an incident where My husband's Bua questioned my going for Tarpan (Offer water to the departed soul on Pitra Paksh or Mahalaya) for my Father. She said "Why?" I said because bonds of soul and blood do not get eradicated by the bond of marriage. I never changed my last name I am ridiculed for that too people think that i do not love my Husband…funny. Its we as woman have to stand up and speak out. Great Post
Sometimes I think there are two Indias or maybe more. There's one where I live – this modern evolved place and right next door is this other place where people question things which are obvious to me. I had a neighbour whose mum would always 'pay her' when she came visiting because she was coming to a daughter's house! Preposterous or what!!
I asked the same thing, actually. I had ampn argument wit humpy hubby about living with his parents…..the question was…what about my own? Luckily the in-laws are quite open-minded!
That is a ridiculous thing to say what your friend said. I am actually seeing a lot of parents from the girl's side coming and living with the families these days. I find the distinction ridiculous. More than that, I wish that people would use a little sensitivity and gumption before they opened their mouth. Even if it was what the entire society did, it really is none of their business to question your decision or that of any other person. My dad got all his cataract surgeries done in Ahmedabad at my sister's place. He feels more comfortable in the city and it is no reflection on my brother. So there…
I have thought about this topic a lot too! Why is it always have to be girl who is expected to make sacrifices but the boy gets to lead life normally? Why this distinction?
This is really fascinating to me, coming from an entirely different country and culture (Canada). Thank you for educating me on some of the Indian traditions – I can imagine just how frustrating it can be for women.
So true Naba. So many restrictions on us just because we are women. But my mom lives with me and my dad lived with me until his death, even though I have an older brother.
Well expressed Naba..So true 🙂
Easier said than done. Most times it is observed that the struggle is within rather than imposed. So of course, as much as "some"women might wanna break free, they simply can't. And most times, it has nothing to do with the society.
Anyway, it is a bright thought. India will take a while to evolve…its not happening NOW though 🙁
My mother talks exactly like your friend…and it scares me because I hold the viewpoint of yours.
Marriage is about partnership and equality….totally based on love. It would be unfair if one is given an upper hand over the other.
India surely needs to evolve!
Its always the women who have to listen to the shoulds and musts. Agreed with you 100% that its time to follow your heart. You have the right to look after whoever you want whether its a parent or an in law. Agree with Nima Das 1000000% dump this friend of yours, its not worth being around such negative people.
Wise pe0ple don't issue musts and shoulds to others. Particularly in a relationship. Your arguments and views are very valid. I wish everyone was wise enough to understand them.
Well said and thought provoking…
You are right Suresh..I wonder why people hold on to such archaic ideas when things have begun changing such a long time back…
True Nima…It's sad that even educated people hold on to archaic traditions without applying their own mind…And yes the more the merrier indeed! 🙂
I've not changed my sir name either and I won't…. And I'm glad to know a free spirited woman like you through this blog…It is sad but we have to stand up alone and fight..And what hurts is that some women point fingers back at women without giving a second thought…
True Tulika there are actually two Indias and I won't be surprised if the India we live in in the cities too have the same problems..I have heard about a few in the past week only…
You are lucky indeed Michelle…And you asked the right question!
Sometimes I think women make it more difficult for women..wonder why! why can't it be agreed that children will take care of their parents and leave it at that!
I don't know Swathi..I guess this is the 'truth' of our great culture..unfortunately!
Some traditions in our country as not at all pro-women Laurel but we are fighting in our own little way as have our previous generations and hopefully someday we can be totally free of these frustrations…
Glad that we are changing things Suzy..Glad that I know people like you…!
Thanks 🙂
True Kajal…It surely isn't happening now and it saddens me when women like you and me say that women complain a lot and it's the men who suffer now…
You nailed it Red 'Marriage is about partnership and equality…'!!
True Athena…I just hoped that maybe my conversation with her will help her see the side that as women we all should…
I wish that too Tomichan…
Thanks Chaitali…
Nicely written… these issues do exist even today and it is sad that even educated people ascribe to it…. but it is changing…. slowly, but changing 🙂
Well contemplated!! :)….Await the time when mindsets of people evolve!!
Nice thought. The way I think about this is – What is Society – it is us only. And, when we say that the 'society does not allow' or 'society believes this..', in way it is US only who is represented here.
Why I am talking about Society's definition? Because, when a radical thought is conceptualized, the whole society will be against it. It is because of the fear of going against the 'society'. But there will be some who will still adopt the new thought. And slowly and slowly more will join. And when there will be people enough following the new thought, it will again become the societal norm / practice.
Evolution.