How do you react to criticism?
While you ponder on that let me try and explain how I feel. I promise to be completely honest with you while I do that.
I’m very sensitive when it comes to my work, especially blogging. So, I tend to go on the defensive when it is questioned or someone speaks unkindly of it. In fact, I get so upset that I tend to retract into a shell which probably isn’t good, especially if I want to improve. But I can’t help it. It is like a reflex action, far beyond my control. Hence, no matter how hard I try to be this person who is alright with critique, I actually am not.
When I had just started to blog, I would really pester S for feedback. I thought I wanted to know what I should do to improve. I also thought that I was okay with negative comments on my work which, as it turned out, wasn’t the case. I should have know because when had I ever taken negative feedback happily? Never.
Anyways, so S rose up to the occasion because he knew, still does, how much writing means to me and he was, still is, ready to do anything to help me improve myself. His feedback, though, would always start with the aspects that could be improved. The praise, if any, always came later or was skipped completely, most times. And it irked me, it irked me a lot. Every. Single. Time. Why? Because I obviously expected him to only compliment me. Don’t judge me, I’m just being honest with you here.
The point of giving feedback is to help someone do better. Agree? So, when people start with pointing out your mistakes without even appreciating the things you have perhaps gotten right, they end up missing the point completely. It needs to be handled in a much different way. Appreciation first and discussion on areas of improvement later. It cushions the blow. That way the person who has actually put in her heart and soul into the project never feels bad or judged
When I explained this to S, he, of course, made fun of me first. But ever since then he has made it a point to, well, cushion the blow always.
It suffices to say that while it might be alright to notice that the glass someone is holding is half empty, it might not be the brightest of ideas to come forth and say that bluntly.
You could start with appreciating that the glass is half full first and then go on to add that it would be even better if somehow it was filled to the brim.
Don’t you agree?
Since it has been established that I don’t react kindly to criticism, not for the lack of trying, mind you, tell me how it is with you?
I don't know about the cushioning the blow part, Naba! See, the problem when someone only points out what is wrong is that you do not know whether you are 'ok, but can stand some improvement'; 'good, but can become great'; 'great, but can become even better' OR 'with so many mistakes why do you even think you can write?' 🙂 What I mean is criticism ought to give perspective in addition to telling you areas of improvement. Otherwise, you will not even know whether it is worthwhile to try and improve 🙂
Sounds similar to my experience, Naba. Jose is a someone who can be scathing in his critcism but like S will do everything to support my blogging. I guess we need to teach them what is called 'sandwich feedback' – what you're doing well, what needs improving, and what you're doing well again. 🙂
I'm actually pretty good at handling criticism 🙂 Thanks to my dad and my teacher in Kenya. When giving criticism, I generally do what you suggest, start with the positive and then list out the flaws kindly. I also preempt my critique with the fact that I'm very specific and sometimes very crystal clear about my criticism and to ask for it knowing that too. Most times it has worked. Plus I rarely give unsolicited critique. I know what people may feel 🙂
It was tough, but I have learnt that constructive criticism always helps us in the long run. I liked that quote.
I agree with you – I like criticism as longs as it is what I want to hear… too honest an opinion can be brutal and it is not really what I'm looking for. But when the glass is half empty, I'd appreciate ideas to fill it up….
I used to be very sensitive about criticism. I still am, but if it is given correctly (the good news first, as we all are agreeing with) constructive criticism can be helpful and I will consider it carefully. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
I am all for criticism as it is something important to grow in a creative field. Having said that, I absolutely hate those people who leave a critical comment just because they have to or want to put you down. Such people get it back properly from me.
It may sound funny to you, but the first thought that came to mind after reading your post was that there is a man with the last name Modi who knows everything there is to know about taking criticism 🙂 And taking all sorts of abuses too. Only hard stuff gets thrown at him, only negativity, only horrible abuse.
Now that I have gotten rid of the first thought by expressing it here, let me say how I deal with criticism. I used to be much more defensive than I am right now. Since I used to write for academic publications and conferences before I am used to taking both outright rejections and strong content related feedback etc for improving my piece of writing. But when it comes to blogging, I am not sure there is much or any content-related perspective-based dialogue or criticism out there. I agree with Suresh's point in this respect, good criticism should also add a new perspective to looking at things. Otherwise grammar and language stuff is hardly criticism, that's just being like an elementary school teacher (no offence meant to elementary teachers, my mother was one for 35+ years). The more I get to know the ins and outs of the blogging world, the more I realise that there are only a few people who take seriously the significance and value of both – the blog content and their critique of the blog content. Perhaps maybe just my observation, but nonetheless that's what it is.
I am good with criticism and try to view it as scope for progress. There's always something to learn 🙂 We also learn the do's and don'ts – the important thing is not to take it personally, as not everyone will be fair about pointing out the good with the bad.
That said, my friends and family are pretty honest, but I take it as constructive criticism as they have my best interests at heart.
You are a wonderful person and writer, Naba. Hugs!
I actually agree with your view on doling out criticism… it can be imparted with a positive spin by lauding all the positives and then a mild suggestion on 'how to make it even more awesome' 🙂
I am good at criticism too but only if the language is polite. Though I accept, cushioning will be so much better. But even if it is not there, at the very least I expect the person to be soft and polite 🙂
I take criticism just the way it comes to me. If someone is polite and what he/she says makes sense to me, I definitely try to follow it in a healthy manner, but all the meaningless banter, I just ignore it and don't give it much thought.
Cheers
Naba a lot of the things you write resonate with me. I too am slightly uncomfortable with criticism. And not just over writing but anything I put my heart and soul into. You approach is quite good, appreciate first. Even while writing official emails I enter good news first and then add my 'buts' 😀
I always welcome constructive criticism…… They always help us to self analyse, correct ourselves and to grow beyond our flaws.
It all depends on the tone of the writing. While A blunt response hurts a bit but if someone actually takes pain to give the cause and a solution too nothing better. When I started blogging I actually thanked some people who wrote gave constructive criticism(Though such comments were moderated).
I always take critism positively as it let me to correct myself 🙂 Cheers – Ravisinghblog.in
I'm okay with criticism for I know the person criticizing me will also give me a chance eventually…. 😛 😀
I just focus on the helpful and good part, criticism that will help me improve at something is always welcomed. I just upsetting things.
It depends on how the same is spelt out to me. If the person is harsh, it goes the wrong way alright. Otherwise,….I am open to it
Criticism gives me an opportunity to make a self-examination of self and try to make corrections if needed.!
Depends on my gut feeling. If I know that I am doing the right thing, I ignore criticism. If I am not sure if I was right or wrong, I do accept criticism and make sure that it does not happen again.
I do stay away from those who 'love' criticising others.
Its a sound basic rule: "Appreciation first and discussion on areas of improvement later".Kudos Nabanita!
Actually what matters is not what you say but how you say it! So, feedback if said in a nice way has better acceptability 😀
Oh that certainly is true, Suresh… I guess giving feedback is an art as much as taking it is.. I need to first master the latter to actually use it for my betterment..
Ahh I like this 'sandwich feedback ' …I'm going to use this term now for how I believe feedback needs to be given 🙂
Ahh I wish I can become as mature as you all someday. I get too rattled with criticism, though I know I need to listen to it to improve & I want to improve..
Oh it surely does… I just hope one day I learn to take it as well..
I need to learn to do that too… Nobody's perfect and I need to be willing to hear about my mistakes..
I agree..some people just don't understand it…their comments can be so spiteful
Oh you are right, Beloo.. Who would know more about criticism than Modi himself…I'm too defensive for my own good. I need to change if I want to see myself published one day..and I agree, I think criticism when it comes to blogging is quite different in itself
Thanks so much, Vidya:) You are too kind but I feel very humbled & happy when someone as talented and awesome as you says such kind words about me. Having said that, I know I have to improve a lot if I wish to leave my mark in some way and I need to be matured enough to handle criticism…
Thanks, Doc…it would be so nice if everyone took to this line of thinking when it came to criticism. Or, would it?
Oh I wish I could also be okay with criticism. But as I said I can probably bear the one that comes with cushioning:)
I think I have a long way to go… It's good that you can be so sorted when it comes to how to react to criticism
Ahh atleast someone who is also uncomfortable with criticism, albeit slightly.. I should add this discomfort when it comes to criticism transcends every sphere of my life…
That is wonderful, Vasantha:)
You know? Reading all these comments makes me realise how sorted you guys are and mature too..
You are lucky to be able to do that:)
You are awesome, woman! 🙂
I need to learn to do that too! 🙂
That's the way to do it I think:)
It does, doesn't it? 🙂
Me too.. I don't like to criticise people & I don't like people who criticise:)
Thanks, Rajeev 🙂
Absolutely, Shilpa… It is the way you say it most times:)
Criticism… I still need to learn to handle it.. with a pinch of salt!!! But I sure am on the road to it!
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Same here, just a little further from the road than you I guess 🙂
Thanks Esha…I hope to be able to say that someday, that I am better at taking feedback 🙂
A very very honest post Nabanita…and I appreciate you for opening up about yourself. However, rationalizing about how to use criticism and actually taking it in the right way are two different things I feel! At any given time, I think I would not like criticism coming to me or going out from me, to be personal or offensive or humiliating!It should never demean the person at any cost, thats where it often fails! Your post was food for thought for me too…as I realise I'm so much better at taking all sorts of advice now, with the passage of time than in my younger days 🙂
I am pretty cool with criticism … I don't mind it much … while giving feedback I try to keep my points somehow camouflaged between the appreciation. I am really conscious of hurting someone. And well I never provide any criticism unless asked for.
I think I am blunt in stating the critique if it is a person I feel close to. Because sometimes sugarcoating it just ends up confusing the person. But of course the intent is to help the other person change. I hate criticism put unkindly especially publicly. Privately I can take quite a lot but publicly I would prefer to word it better. Besides it must be specific with examples. That way the person knows that he/she is not being criticized. After all, without criticism where is the growth?
I am pretty okay with criticism. Just that if I don't see what exactly needs to be worked upon, I then miss the point. Not with blogging but at work I work on feedback pretty quick.
The way the feedback is conveyed should be as you said. In HR we talk of giving mixed signals and if you appreciate someone, then criticize and then again appreciate – you are not really sure what you want to leave the person with. A good approach is to talk one first and then the other. Also, if someone what to give an example to share a feedback, that works best for me. 🙂
Great post – I ended up thinking so much!
I generally take criticism well, especially when I ask for it, but my ex-husband always went to the extreme and rarely gave out compliments. It really does hurt, it also caused me to never ask his opinion on things. So I do understand where you are coming from. Have a good week!
Me too, Rajlakshmi…I actually feel I'm not even worthy to criticise someone else's work or anything else for that matter…but if I do, I keep feeling bad and guilty and try not to hurt anyone in the process
Oh you definitely are right, Rachna..I'm just not matured enough to actually take it like that and I hate myself forever it…something just snaps and I view it as fault finding which shouldn't be the case..
Ahh I didn't know you were a HR…well, aa long as you don't feel as shitty as I do on receiving criticism and you improve upon it, you are doing just fine my dear 🙂
Thanks so much… I guess criticism will only work aa feedback when the person giving it actually wants to help the person who he is criticising..
Naba, it feels familiar. I am normally upset with criticism. Once I am out of it, then work towards eliminating.. but sometimes it has a negative effect. the fear of criticism really does pull you down.