If we were having coffee, I would tell you how I don’t really like coffee. So, let’s pretend we aren’t having coffee. Instead, let us assume we are sipping wine and talking to our hearts’ content. So, if we were drinking wine, I would tell you about the things that are currently keeping my thoughts occupied.
If we were having wine, I would tell you how exhausted I feel these days. I would tell you how I don’t feel like I have anything left in me to give. Let me explain. Last week I had a couple of conversations at work which could only be summarised as ‘men explain things to me‘. While I was being “coached“, I realised I couldn’t care less about what the man thought. I realised there was a time when I would have said something to him for overstepping his boundary. But I realised that I didn’t have that fight left in me anymore, that somewhere between all the mansplaining over the years I have lost the will to fight back. So, I just listened to him with one ear and let it escape from the other. It bothered me, it bothered me a lot because after a long time I felt suffocated at work as a result. I hope this is just an impasse though, a temporary armistice in this life long battle of being heard and not ridiculed or overlooked by the men at work, a life long battle of not letting my self-worth rest on what the men at work think.
If we were having wine, I would tell you how I have spent the last few months slowly redecorating my home. It is only during this lockdown that I have found the time to really look into how I want my home to be. It’s funny because we had moved it over seven years back. But from then till before the lockdown, life was just one long series of rushing out of the house and coming back exhausted five days a week. It is only now that we have slowly started putting in more of ourselves into our home. I cannot explain the joy that it brings me. Has it happened to you too? Probably not. I’m guessing you knew how you wanted the decor to be from the moment you walked into your home. Not me. Well, better late than never, right?
If We Were Having Wine. A slight twist on the 'if we were having coffee' posts that we used to write once upon a time. Here I ramble on about the things on my mind like the good old days of blogging only over wine instead of coffee.… Share on X
If we were having wine, I would tell you how I feel bad looking at the clothes in my wardrobe, such excess, so much wastage. One of the things 2020 has taught us all, I think, is that we don’t need much to survive. When I look back, I cannot understand the rationale behind my buying so many clothes. Granted, I needed clothes to go to work every day but surely not that many? I haven’t bought any new clothes this year after lockdown which makes me happy. All I want now is to utilise all that I have in my wardrobe first, somehow make up for the ugly excess that I had subscribed to for years.
If we were having wine, I would tell you how I have become obsessed with plants. I want a lot of plants at home but I don’t want to do the hard work for it. Is it strange? I have filled every corner possible of my apartment with plants while outsourcing the care of them to the husband. I just love seeing the greens all around. It makes me happy, so happy.
If we were having wine, I would tell you how my daughter sometimes asks for siblings. I would tell you how I don’t think I want another child. I feel I was only meant to love M, only be her mother. I would also tell you how I don’t want most of my life to pass by raising kids. It is getting easier on some fronts now that M is growing up while a lot of the challenges remain. The point is, I don’t think I can do the late-night feeds, potty training, diaper changing, leaking breasts et al again. I don’t think I can take the tension of going back to work after another maternity leave and fight the same old battle of proving that I’m still relevant, that motherhood hasn’t melted my brain. Sometimes I feel I’m being selfish but then I think about what can be selfish about trying to maintain one’s sanity?
If we were having wine, I would tell you I’m not able to find time to edit or work on my book. By the time I’m done for the day, I just have enough energy to read. Sometimes I wonder why it has to be an either-or decision. Why can’t I have the time to do it all? Though one thing I’m glad about is that I’ve been able to read a lot. At times I stay awake, long after my family has gone to bed, reading. It isn’t healthy perhaps but for the moment that keeps me sane. Also, who doesn’t like getting lost in the world of books?
If we were having wine, I would tell you how much I miss my parents. If one thing this COVID has taken away from us, it’s the ability to go visit our elders or bring them to us. Now, it’s all too risky. While it does seem the world is going back to normal gradually but is it really? The threat is still very much there, isn’t it? When I go to buy vegetables and see an elderly uncle or aunty, I miss my parents. I want to spend time with them. I want to go run errands with my Dad while he drives or holds my hand while crossing streets. I want to be able to lie down near my mom and soak in her love. I don’t know when that’ll happen again which makes me sad, extremely sad.
If we were having wine, I would ask you how you were. I would ask you if you like sipping wine with me while I ramble on. I would ask you if you feel the things I do. If we were having wine, I would love to have more of it with you.
Cheers!
I hear you Nabanita! The story of our lives. Honestly, there’s so much I wish to talk about my life to, with someone except that I know everyone is so busy and I don’t know who would like to hear my story anymore. But, we all have things that we’d love to listen and share, with friends who are willing to listen to us, without passing judgements on us. Life isn’t the same anymore, and so much is uncertain, and then, despite all the bleak thoughts that come to mind, so many happy moments also come every day that reinstate our belief that things will change. So, hang in there, Nabanita, life will improve. Some battles will continue but life will bring us hope and light at the end of this dark phase of our lives. Keep sharing, keep doing your best at work, be the amazing mum that you are and keep working on the inner wellbeing! One day at a time. Hugs and loads of positive vibes, xoxo
Thank you for the heartfelt comment, Esha. I would love to listen to you. I’m not much of a talker but I promise you that should you want to talk to your heart’s content and need someone to listen to you, I’ll be there. Hugs and lots of love xoxo
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
Oh, I hear you, Naba! Everything you shared here, I admit I have been feeling too. Except of course the “mansplaining” part you had to endure. I don’t “work”, so I don’t have to go through that hell. Hugs!
I too have learned so much in this year. Starting from de-cluttering, to wondering why we collect so much when we need so little. And, missing meeting my parents!
I have been seeing your IG feed and I wonder how you read so much! How do you find the time, considering you work and have a little one to look after!
Hugs to you, dear! There isn’t anything we can do to alter the situation, except change the way we look at life. It does sound rather snobbish, doesn’t it?But what choice do we have?
Much love!
Hugs right back to you, Shilpa <3. It doesn't sound snobbish at all. What else is there to do, right? It's actually the best advice you can give anyone.
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
I loved these ramblings. Life is so much about those unsaid things.
Thank You
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
If we were having wine together, I would make sure there was more for you than me. Hugs and more hugs Naba. Please dont let the men win by being so discouraged and down. You are worth your shingle; just value yourself through your own eyes. I know how tough its to be a woman in a man’s world. I worked at a construction site where I was the only woman manager among 50 male managers. I spent half my time ignoring their dumb asses as they were too busy trying to trip me up all the time. It really can set your teeth to the edge. Go on take a huge sip on that wine. ( Remember the scene from Sex and the city 2 where Miranda and Charlotte are doing this to take away their stress?)
Love the idea of doing up the house – it can be so therapeutic and you are taking your time with it, is the best way to do it. Do share pics when you can- would love to have a peep.
Ah the book – I wish you more power or perhaps some more vino to keep at it and not give up. They say we all have a book within us. You write so so well, so it would be a shame to let it all go to waste.
For past 5 years I have been on a decluttering mode and only get in a new item when I can throw out an old one – its helped me keep things sane on the shopping front and cleaning out wardrobes. I live alone in a 3 bhk, with all wardrobe full. Now only half those wardrobes are full – its a mean feat for me when I look at all that I gave away.
Wishing you a much more sane and peaceful November ahead Naba!!!
Shalzmojo recently posted…The false life of the parijat | Fiction Writing |
I wish one day we can share the wine :). I love the concept of buying something new only when you can throw something out. I will try to do this. I must admit I haven’t watched sex and the city but I will. Thank you for sharing your experience with men at work with me. It helps, it really does. I will try to keep it together and ignore them 🙂
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
Ah Naba, so glad you wrote this.
Thankfully enough I’ve been in certain roles in the workplace where I do not have to deal with most men. I became a lead at a very young age and since then I’ve been working the way I want to and no one has questioned me as it is working out really well. Having said that, mansplaining is so annoying. Funnily enough I have seen it happen more in my personal life than my professional life. Also, sometimes it is just best to ignore things and move on. We need our time and energy for other things. More vital things.
I’m glad you have been stepping out and ordering in as well. Such a relief no?
Yayyy on the plants! You know the crazy plant lady that I am! We recently discovered the Lalbagh Nursery and went crazy and got home a lot more plants. Both our balconies are full now and I still want to get more of them. It is a hard thing to care for them though, but the results are so so worth it.
Regarding a sibling for M, I think it is entirely up to you and S alone. Don’t let anyone else give you their opinion on such matters.
Thankfully, my and L’s parents live in the city and we go meet them as often as they can. Still, we are scared about how they are taking care of themselves. I can totally imagine what you guys must be going through. Apparently flying is now a lot safer, so if you are brave enough you should consider it.
I love wine, red in particular. And if we were having wine, I’d tell you anything you ask me.
Much love!
Soumya recently posted…Action Replay + Gratitude List: September & October 2020
I wish our plans to meet last December or this January would have worked out. I would love to talk to you in person. It would be so good to sit across from each other and just talk about all things we love and all things we don’t. One day, Soumya. One day! Till then a virtual cheers!!
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
Enjoyed reading your post. I am glad you wrote this. I am still thinking. Hopefully, I’d write a post soon.
This Covid phase is so scary and tiring. I’m so glad you have redecorated your home as per your taste. To be honest, I’m not doing anything except household chores, of course, and trying to keep my 7 yo engaged and entertained. Plus, his online classes. I have to sit with him all through. And gardening…I have a black thumb. Even Aloe Vera and that 9 o’clock purple flower (that survives anywhere) wouldn’t grow in my tiny balcony garden. I read and somehow manage to paint but writing has taken a back seat. And I have accepted that my book 2 is going to take time. The problem is that I seek solitude and uninterrupted time (at two hours to focus on my ms) and that’s very difficult.
Hope you have a lovely weekend. Stay well, Nabanita. 🙂
I don’t have a green thumb either. Hehe. I just want to have plants and want the husband to take care of them all. And I know what you mean about the need for solitude and uninterrupted time for writing. I miss that too and it doesn’t seem possible anytime in the near future. Thank you for this idea of a coffee post. I wouldn’t have written this without you.
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
First of all, hugs to you! I kept nodding my head for almost all of the things that you have said because most things are similar for me as well. I’m so glad that you wrote it.
It is almost 11.30 pm and I’m still working. 🙁 Work has drained me of all energy to do anything that would like to do. And despite giving so much to work, often my views and opinions get ignored at work because apparently “Men are better at technical stuff”. I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to mansplaining things or taking my views for granted.
I’m glad you find your solace in reading. I do too. My house decor is whatever catches my fancy at that moment because I’ve never had it all planned. We live in a rented place and everything that is in the house was bought as when we could manage to get things. I’ve wanted to have a lot of plants but I don’t have a balcony of our own as it is shared one and the 2 doggos trample the plants. 🙁
Some times I just wish, we could sit down sipping some wine and talk about books and about life. That would be good right?
Reema Dsouza recently posted…Why is it important to take a break and why you should take one
I wish that too, Reema. I wish corona just goes away and we get to meet. But our bookish talks on Instagram is what I really cherish. I like this connection because it has been very rare for me to find people around me who love books as much as I do. One day we will sip some wine together and talk about books and life for sure!
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
I would very much like to have the wine. Before anything I was actually going to compliment your home. From the pictures I saw on insta it looks so neat and organised. How do you manage that with a kid running around. Mine forever looks like it has been through a tornado.
Dont let the men get you re. You have made to this point on your own. You are very much capabale and responsible, people fail to see that but that’s not your problem.
I miss home too. The warmth of being around with parents. The first thing I wl do after this covid thing is to fly home.
Oh, I keep running after her to not bring her toys to any room apart from hers. It involves some yelling, hehe. What you see on Insta is the after yelling and cleaning effect 🙂 I hope Corona goes away soon and we both get to be with our parents at home. Hugs <3
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
I hear you, Naba. Life has changed so much, but then certain matters are not changing with or without covid!
I can’t imagine you not responding to the “mansplainer”.
Covid did teach us to go minimalist. We also bought new clothes only for the kids as they are quickly outgrowing theirs.
Hey, it’s okay to not want another kid. I completely resonate with your feeling, but a little late for me now, right? 🙂 We fell for Kanna’s constant nag about a baby sister. I was starting to enjoying my free time and all that when Akku came along. I say this out loud shamelessly – it’s too much work. I love my kids, I love that they want and need my all the time, that they suffocate me with love. But I miss sitting alone, enjoying my tea in the morning without having to wake up at 5.
It was so nice to read this wine post, Naba. It was like before when we all used to write posts and visit each other every week without fail. Nostalgia! 🙂 Keep writing, Naba.
Vinitha recently posted…Fiction Monday – 18
Oh yes, Vinitha. Those were the days, right? I miss those days.
I completely understand this suffocation. I feel that too. As much as we love them, we need some time, just by ourselves and it seems hard to come by now.
Thank You for always coming here and supporting me. Truly, I mean it <3
NabanitaDhar recently posted…If We Were Having Wine
This is an amazing post. Our thoughts match on two fronts: (1) I don’t have any energy left to fight back against misogyny so I try to avoid or ignore things that trigger me. Basically, I tamp down on the resentment instead of letting it out. (2) No more children because I don’t want to relive the horror of childbirth and the first 2-2.5 years.
My anxiety has increased after the pandemic began, probably because everyone is always at home and I feel like I have no space to myself. So I’m trying to do things that give me peace of mind, like reading and not scrolling SM too much.
I enjoy your tweets. They speak to me. Hugs to you and I hope you’re happy and successful in whatever you do. 🙂
Oh I miss meeting you and Indrani and our long chats. Would love to have wine again with you God knows when! Loved reading your thoughts. While some things can never change like our constant struggles and to show to the world that we are still relevant and capable professionally. I totally understand about not going for a second child. It is so exhausting especially the initial years and especially for people like you and me with zero support systems at home. Now that I have two teens (one of them an adult), I can truly say that they are my backbone and joy! With Sid a few months away from leaving home, I am so glad that I have G to hug and hold tighter for a few more years. I guess 40s are making me so much more sentimental. 🙂 We are traveling this weekend for our first trip overnight. I am excited and a bit scared. Fingers crossed everything goes well. Luckily, I am not a huge shopper but you are right that the pandemic has taught us so many precious lessons.