Some days your thoughts just wander off to unchartered territories, don’t they? Taking abrupt turns; turns best avoided. Questioning, meandering perilously, tearing into everything you know and believe in. The same thing happened last night.
Now, I never, well almost never, go to bed without reading a few pages. It was during that nightly ritual that I came across a very hard hitting quote, to my surprise in a thriller. It, quite frankly, rattled me a little, sending me on one of those trips where questioning everything is the only way out. It was something about how insignificant our lifespan of 70 or 80 odd years was in front of the 13.772 billion years, and counting, of the universe. Basically no point worrying about anything for eventually it’s all about ending up in ashes or in a name written in some tombstone somewhere.
Imagine reading this just before going off to bed for the day. Add to that a steady pattern of mood swings, basically downward spirals, for the past two to three days. What do you get? Well, one very, very perturbed me I should say.
It made me feel irrelevant, made everything feel irrelevant actually. What does it matter if I get to strike Italy off my must-visit list? What does it matter if that ailment is treated or not? What does it matter if I take the next step in life or not? What does it matter if I love or hate? What does it matter if I worry? What does it matter if I step out of or stay in the bed? Ultimately, in the bigger scheme of things nothing I do matters, does it?
“How good is it to remember one’s insignificance: that of a man among billions of men, of an animal amid billions of animals; and one’s abode, the earth, a little grain of sand in comparison with Sirius and others, and one’s life span in comparison with billions on billions of ages. There is only one significance, you are a worker. The assignment is inscribed in your reason and heart and expressed clearly and comprehensibly by the best among the beings similar to you. The reward for doing the assignment is immediately within you. But what the significance of the assignment is or of its completion, that you are not given to know, nor do you need to know it. It is good enough as it is. What else could you desire?” ― Leo Tolstoy
I cannot tell you how glum I felt as my thoughts went on this almost involuntary spiral. Worst part was I couldn’t even stop it. It kept touching one aspect of my life after the other. It was like being sucked into a vortex while the world around me collapsed. Perhaps this is what people mean when they say they felt hollow. I knew what I was doing, overthinking what else, but my thoughts seemed to be on autopilot. It kept knocking off one thing after the other, something like being in the way of a twister? Or, drowning, being sucked into a whirlpool. I still have the bitter aftertaste of what I felt last night. And it’s not at all good.
So, here I am writing all of it down. Putting it out there for you to read and tell me that I’m just overreacting. Yes, because it matters what I do. It matters to people who love and care for me. My life matters.
“The will to matter is at least as important as the will to believe.” ― Rebecca Goldstein
Truth be told, I don’t think that passage in the book was even the trigger. I think it was the fear of a big impending change in life which was yesterday’s subtext really. Don’t ask me what it is please. I’ll share when I’m ready. Until then all I can say is that I’m really, really apprehensive about a lot of things. I know everything is fine and will be fine but somewhere doubts linger. And questions of what’s the point of everything crop up.
“Each of us has a significant place in the tapestry of the world’s story. The Creator, created it so. When we are misplaced or displaced from our singular significance—from fear, lack of integrity, playing small—the entire world is deficient. Each human being’s expressive contribution is essential and impactful—including yours. So, Shine!” ― LaShaun Middlebrooks Collier
Anyways, so where was I? Yes, my life matters. It matters that I write because that makes me happy. It matters that my wishes are fulfilled. It matters that I desire to live well and indeed live well. It matters when I love, hate and worry. It matters that I build a home, a family and a journey. Everything matters and even that name on the tomb stone matters because it tells a story. It matters because in my heart I know it does. However trivial, it still does!
What do you think? Share what you think please for I’d love to read. One can’t get enough positive affirmations and I know we all need some.
Hey! It doesn't matter but it matters to us so keep doing what you want to…. Life has a way of making a place for us… Hugs, this too shall pass.
Oh yes, you matter. You matter to yourself and to the people who love and care about you. At times, it might not seem enough, but believe you me, it is more than enough.
Also, about whatever is bogging you down, take a deep breath and like Indy says, know that 'This too shall pass'.
Sending positive thoughts and vibes your way. Take care, Naba.
Poignant! Reminds me of the 'Pale Blue Dot'.
Yes, you matter. And so do your feelings. So feel the downward spiral, recognize it for what it is, and move on. By the end, you were already affirming that you matter, but it never hurts to have others affirm it, too.
Take a deep breath, and live for today.
It matters, our thoughts are what helped us as a species to take the fast lane to evolution. Every individual and line of thought matters
God is in the details, it is said.
Very honest expression of your thoughts, Nabanita and it is half the battle won because you realise that your thoughts are pulling you into some place you are not comfortable with. Happens to many of us. Just that as soon as you recognise it coming, do find something to ward it off, something that requires you to tax your brains and think hard enough so you can come back to doing what you love to do! You do matter a lot and so do your thoughts and fears, Please don't let your worries take away the joy of living today 🙂
Thanks Inderpreet… 🙂 It's nothing really, just apprehension for a change, a positive change in fact … Or, atleast I'm told so 🙂
Thanks Shanaya… Yes, it's nothing really..just the fear of something new & change… But some positive affirmation is always welcome and needed too 🙂
Ahh I just googled now what that is 🙂
Thanks Ellen…Yes, a bit of affirmation from others can go a long way..Perhaps I did a good thing posting my feelings here 🙂
It does , doesn't it? I have to remember that! 🙂 Thanks for the affirmation Datta !
True Rachna!
Thanks so much Esha…I guess that's why I wrote it down here… every bit of affirmation is so important and helps…Thank You 🙂
What matters is your soul. I believe each person is on Earth for a learning journey. Earth itself my pass away but your essence will not. Eventually, you and I could become a star.
I think we all matter, Naba. Writing about it helps, in more ways than we can really understand, because it gives a concrete touch to the whole situation. And in the case of blogging, we actually find our support system holding us up. As for the negative thoughts, don't let them overwhelm you. Call up and friend and pour your heart out. It will help. Trust me.
I agree with many who have already left comments, in the grand scheme of things none of us matters, yet now, here, today you are a critical piece in the world and everything you do will have an impact far beyond your imagining.
p.s. There is no such thing as over-reacting. You reacted and that is that.
We all matter to our family and friends – maybe less than a lot but always more than none! So, chin up and smile! Sending positive and happy thoughts your way 🙂
'Eventually, you and I could become a star.' This is so profound.. Thanks for this Francene 🙂
Thanks Shailaja… Yes, you are right blogging in so many ways gives us a support system that we can rely on…I have felt and realized it many a time
Thanks Nancy… It's so good to get this out of the system and actually find affirmations in the form of the blogging community
Thanks so much Shilpa 🙂
I can see it more as thinking aloud and penning it down. Reality as it dawns now and then and sometimes we stop by to recognize it. It is a phase and this too will change for good and bring in lovely moments of bliss, accomplishment and contentment.
Best
Katie
Admin
Chennai Focus
What you write here, Naba, can lead us into a very interesting philosophical discussion. Tolstoy's view, as I understand, comes from a very Christianity-inspired metaphysical view of Life, Reality, Existence, Purpose etc. Our own Indian/Indic-view is very different and that's where lies all the difference. The Western view could one either lead to a blatant, aggressive individualism if one's life has to matter and mean something. Or it ends up in a depressive tendency where nothing we do really means or matters. The Indian view is very different, because it sees each small atom (each minute, individual manifestation of the Supersoul) as playing an important role in the larger manifestation of the Divine Truth/Will, despite all the mistakes stumbles, difficulties, detours on the way, over one and many lifetimes. This is a very life-affirming and positive view of Life, Reality, our purpose in Life etc. This makes us want to become more conscious of everything we are doing/want to do/be/become. I could go on and on with this, but I will stop here 🙂 I will just add, be assured who/what you are matters – not only to you and your loved ones, but to the Larger Reality and Existence out there 🙂 Cheer up!