As I quietly walk out of the door leaving her with strangers, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. Three days since I joined back at work and M started going to crèche. Three days and in these 72 hours, I must have weighed the pros and cons of being a working mother at least zillion times. No, gazillion times! Not only that, but I’ve also asked myself if I’ll be able to handle both. Am I enough for the challenge that lies ahead? Am I really enough?
If the past 3 days are any indication of the times that lay ahead then it is not going to be easy in any way. I’m already feeling the pressure. Every part of my body is aching, I’m exhausted and I feel like I’m going to collapse at any moment. But that’s just the physical aspect of things.
Emotionally too it’s taxing and extremely painful to leave a part of you, a part you love the most, a part you want to keep safe from everything bad in this world, in the care of strangers. Professionals, yes, but still strangers. Hence, as I look towards life as a working mother, I wonder again and again if I’ll be able to do it. If I’m enough.
And as if self-doubt wasn’t the only thing tugging at my heart, people around don’t make it easier either. Not family, mind you. It’s the others. Every step you take as a mother is scrutinised minutely. If you put your left feet forward, they’ll judge you for not using your right. If you feed your baby banana, they’ll judge you for not feeding her Kiwi. If you give her biscuits, they’ll judge you for not using everything organic. You are doomed no matter what you do. So, imagine the stares and innuendos when you put your seven-month-old in the crèche. So, it brings me to that place all over again. Will I be able to handle both my daughter and work? Will, what I am, be enough?
I don’t have a clear answer, though, not by far. I just hear echoes in response to my doubts. Echoes of my past. Echoes of things I had done and faced. Echoes in a voice not so unfamiliar saying yes I’m enough.
Emotionally too it’s taxing and extremely painful to leave a part of you, a part you love the most, a part you want to keep safe from everything bad in this world, in the care of strangers.
One of the things about being a mother is that you become this ticking time bomb emotionally, ready to explode at every instant. And that makes things more difficult occasionally.
I always wanted to continue working even after having a child. I still do. Before the very first day, I left her at the crèche, I hardly had any doubts about it. I always knew I would be able to do it. In fact, I’m still sure that this is what I need to do, somewhere deep down. But now, every time I turn away from her, I ask myself if I’m really sure about this. That walk from the crèche to my office is one of the toughest and I do it at least two times a day. And then I wonder if I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. If I’m capable of being a working mother and not failing in it. If I’m enough. If my resolve, thinking, and views are enough to sail me through.
What if I fail miserably at both?
It’s a never-ending conflict, confusion. Her happiness. My happiness. Her future. My future. Our future. And also not so much of a conflict, at the same time. But every time I walk out of the crèche, self-doubt encompasses me.
Deep down I know it’ll be alright. So many women juggle work and their personal lives. I’ll be able to do it too. I fought fire once, the fire which wanted to engulf me. I was brave then I can be brave now. But that snarky guilt raises it’s head and makes me feel horrible inside. Well, nobody said motherhood would be easy, right?
I want to scream at the top of my voice saying I shouldn’t worry, that I’m enough. But a tiny squeaky voice stops me. It overpowers that familiar voice of reassurance. Hence, I just want to drown out that pesky sound of self-doubt one way or the other.
I want to keep saying that I’m enough and I’ll be able to handle it, till I start believing in it completely.
Maybe, one day soon enough!
I completely get and understand where you are coming from Naba. It's never going to be an easy decision, not now and not 3 years from now. The point is, you are enough. You are the only one who will love M the way anyone can love her and if that means a few hours with a stranger's care, trust me, it is worth it. Your peace of mind, your joy and your love will only grow when you do what you love. If that means work, then M will naturally align herself to it. Doubt is a necessary part of our growth but it's important not to let it overwhelm us. M will eagerly await you each day. Never fear. Trust and move on this path you've made for yourself. All will be well.
-From one working mom to another
Oh absolutely! You are enough. Though it is the most painful when you leave your child in the creche for the first time. I used to cry every single time for almost a week when I walked away. But things do get easier. And strangely it is the children who show you the way. They adapt well and show you that they can manage and manage well. But it is not going to be an easy ride. There will be times like illnesses etc. when you/your husband will need to take an off. Also your workload has increased immensely. You will be low on energy when you get home. What worked for me was to fall back on the husband. I would ask him to do things in the evening and chip in. Get as much external help as you can like a cook for the dinner etc. And please be easy on yourself. You are doing the best you can! And remember find 5-10 minutes in a day to deep breathe. It helps.
It is tough but you are enough. Hang in there and you will be fine. Just ignore the things you don't like.
It is alright and you 3 will manage it with love. STOP the guilt trip.
Hugs and good wishes.
Naba, stop feeling guilty and no you are not selfish for wanting to work. Initially it will be tough, but both of you will get used to it. You will be a lot happier when you look back in a few years.
It is not easy since these are early days. It will not be a cakewalk later too. However keep an eye on what you want to be for yourself, exclusive of the role of mother. Take each day as it comes. Things will fall in place.
It is not easy since these are early days. It will not be a cakewalk later too. However keep an eye on what you want to be for yourself, exclusive of the role of mother. Take each day as it comes. Things will fall in place.
Ooh I so relate to this. Those first few days of creche were so painful. I hated them and I felt so torn about my decision to work. But trust me, they turn out to be much better individuals and I can say so now 😀
Stay strong and brace up…there are good days and bad days as a mom and be prepared to face the odds. It isn't easy leaving your child with strangers and going to work, and it isn't easy either leaving your job and staying at home! Life is tough on both sides of the fence. Accept that somedays we may not be perfect and be kind to yourself. I can relate to the feeling so well!
It is quite natural for a mother to go through this stage. I'm pretty sure you'll make an awesome mom! 🙂
You ARE enough, Naba. Think about 3-4 years from now when little M is ready for school and you'll be glad you are doing what you are doing now for yourself, for her and for your family. Hugs!
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maybe ur barking the wrong tree?
missing work, inability to create sth meaningful and change world in whatever way, unable to create wealth, or worst, fear of losing job and never be able to work again – if these r the Qs bothering u n keeping u awake in the night, thn its high time u join back to work. dont worry, child will b fine.
on the other hand, if feeding her daily gives u wealth of paradise, her run across house gives u excitement of life, her shrills r music to ur ears, her lil sneeze steals ur sleep away, or worst, u feel dreaded that ud never be able to see this avatar of her once she grows up n already miss her – u need ur child more than she needs u. jobs will come n go, dnt wry. 🙂
I have heard other parents say that the first few weeks are always tough… but later on they feel hurt that the kids happily go to day care leaving their parents 🙂 I am sure a strong women like you will overcome all the self doubts and handle the situation in best possible way … hugs and much love 🙂
Oh! Hugs and though I have shared with you earlier, I know you are enough and you are doing what's right for you and for M. Things will emotionally fall in place and you will emerge stronger. Like you have always, Naba.
I could relate so much to ur post Nabanita. Having joined work 3 months ago post ML, I can say the situation will improve with each passing day, as the baby discovers new things beyond the cocoon of his mom's hug. However, having said that, I must confess that no matter how happy my baby is when I am away, the moment I'm home, he gets glued to me. Sometimes I wonder if he is clinging thinking the mom might run away back to office, & that fills me with guilt. We can't have best of both the worlds, so as a working mom, we can try to do our best while turning a deaf ear to the voice of self doubt n guilt.
You and I, Naba, we are going to talk. Let's meet up soon.
You're doing more than enough. Some tradeoffs are inevitable. Trust me – I'm someone who's constantly battling society and everyone else. IT will pass. Just ignore.
I have gone through this stage with my 2 kids and i can understand. I too loved to work and there was no doubt about me joining back to work. But the mommy guilt pops up every now and then making me think zillion times about the decision. But atleast we are able to do well both at work and family due to family support. Many women doesn't have that support, they try to be super woman and struggle with stress.
You are enough Naba. Take things as it comes. Every day is different, one day you might have to take leave, someday rush from office in the middle, other day work from home and some day kid want to play more time with friends in creche ☺
Thanks , Shailaja.. Writing about it and being read by more moms and dads, parents who share their experience, gives me strength…Thank you again for your reassuring words every-time with my mommy doubts and guilt 🙂
It's never easy is it when people are constantly judging. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't. There are benefits to childcare of course but in the end, you need to be able to drown out the voice of self doubt and shut out others' views and make up your own mind. Good luck! And yes, you're brave and you're more than enough!
You are always enough, we mothers never realise it until you kid is getting pampered by the whole world and yet he runs to you to show is small pinky boo-boo. People talk about everything, they are just white noise. 🙂 have fun being a working mom. All my best wishes.
We doubt ourselves, hold ourselves back because of people and I know they make our decisions more difficult than they are supposed to be. Let me put it this way. If we don't take the plunge, we'll never know how it is going to be. We'll always be at the shore doubting ourselves. You have taken the plunge. That is more than 50% of the work done. With time, you will know if you can. I am sure you can. No, I don't know you personally. But, I have come across your blogs and there is one thing about bloggers who never give up writing. We never give up! We are made of stronger material. You are made of stronger material. 🙂
Ranjini
http://www.rangelz.wordpress.com
You are enough. I know that deep down you know this too. This decision is always hard, Naba. It feels like it will get easier once the child grows up. It doesn't.
I am just joining the workforce back after a career break of 6 years. The break was due to visa reasons and not a maternity break at all, but even as I leave my son now (a 4 year old), I worry. I worry about him being at the school, then daycare, for about 10ish hours every single day.
I think worry is just part of the territory. You will learn to deal with it better. Until then, do your best. That's all anyone can do. 🙂