Do you think about the future?
I’m sure you do. Who doesn’t?
There is almost an elusive quality to it which makes thinking about, or rather planning for, it an adventure, a challenge.
I think about my future as well, not too much but not too less either. It helps me stay on course. With S being someone who thinks through every decision, every step, our discussions often revolve around our plans, our list for our life together. The future.
Hence, even when I was pregnant with M, S and I would often talk about where we would be twenty years down the line. Yes, as parents. One thing that we were sure about, or rather thought we were sure about, was to let M go. In the sense, let her fly out of the proverbial nest when she turns 18. You know, live her life, learn her lessons and do whatever she wishes to do? We were so sure that we would be able to let her go. Yes, well, the joke was on us as we realize now.
I don’t know when this happens; this rapport, so strong and deep, when does this take shape? Whether it is formed during pregnancy or after you hold your baby in your arms, I don’t know. In my case, it was probably when she was taken away from me to the NICU due to jaundice.
But I can tell you one thing even as a rookie mother, it is not like the other relationships you form in life. It is the strongest from the moment it is formed. There are no phases, just overwhelming love from the word go. So, even this once skeptical person in me has been forced to believe that when this tiny, little individual makes a home in your heart, you cannot ever imagine life without her. And the biggest truth of all, you don’t ever want to let go. You cannot even think of letting go.
So, I realize how naive we were to think that it would be easy to stay away from her. I was so wrong. How can I just let her leave the nest? Will I even be able to let her leave the nest? Silly as it sounds, I find myself worrying about it. I know it’s too soon and probably even nonsensical to think about it. But I know it is going to be very hard to do so. It is inevitable but it is going to be one of the toughest things that I’ll probably have to do.
I guess some of the cliched things about being a mother are actually true.
Well, well, look who’s become such a sensitive mother?
To tell you the truth, I was never a person who was overtly fond of children. I didn’t know what to say or talk to them about. And I didn’t even have the stamina to entertain them. In fact, I often doubted my potential or inclination to be a mother. So, when I was pregnant, I would often find myself worrying about the kind of mother I would turn out to be. Whether I would be able to give the little one as much love as my mother has given me? Or, if I would just end up being cranky for having to devote most of my time to her? Yes, those were my fears.
I don’t have to stop being a mother to be me and I don’t have to stop being me to be a mother.
But all those fears just vanished. Of course, now they are replaced by others but there is not a sliver of doubt about her importance in my life. I love her to the point I didn’t know possible before, at least for me. I’m sure all mothers feel the same way. Well, I guess some of the cliched things about being a mother are actually true.
It has been a little over 3 months now and I’m fine which I didn’t think I’ll be. Honestly.
Of course, motherhood is no cake walk. It’s a lot of hard work. But somehow I have managed to hold on to my sanity. I know I haven’t faced half the struggles that a mother needs to go through. But at-least now I know I probably can see those through too. Those obstacles will be hard but not invincible.
For now though, I have been able to continue writing along with taking care of M. Small triumphs these, still make a huge difference in my mind. I don’t know how easy it is going to be when I join back work but I don’t intend to give up either. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t have to stop being a mother to be me and I don’t have to stop being me to be a mother.
Of course, at times I fear if M will grow up to love me as much as I love her. If she will also feel the same way about letting go. I wonder if her eyes will still light up with a smile when she sees me like it happens now, every single time. I wonder if she’ll still find comfort in my arms. It’s a scary thought that she might reject me. I don’t know. It’s outright petrifying to love a part of yourself so much.
And then there is also the fear of not measuring up to her expectations. I have grown up with a mother who not only loves me but has also given me the space to be myself. I just hope I don’t smother M because I tend to do that to the people I love. I hope I can be half as good a mother as my mom. I guess only time will tell.
What I probably mean to say is I hope we share a relationship that brings us happiness and love. I hope that we succeed, fail and then succeed again together. And even though I might find it hard to let her explore life without me, I hope I can do that for her. I hope both of us grow individually and together, just like we did when she was in my womb.
So, parents reading this, tell me is it normal to feel like this?
Rookie or not you sure are worrying like a mother 😉 M is going to be an awesome kid after all she will have you to inspire all through her life… Don't worry so much dear… Just like everything else this too will fall in place when time comes. Till then smother her with all the love in the world. Some extra love from me too 🙂
Oh yes, it is normal to feel this way. You can imagine how I feel as the elder son turns 14. I worry that I have such little time left with them at home. But I guess that is life. Letting go is part of life. Enjoy this time and all the love. Hugs.
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If you are worrying yourself to bits in the first few months as a new mother, then you are definitely normal. 😉 On a more serious note, I still do even after my lil one has turned 2.5 years. I regularly stress myself over the small and big stuff so I guess it's a part & parcel of motherhood. Enjoy it & revel in the moments because time flies and before you know it, your lil M will turn into a young beautiful girl ready to fly away. 🙂 Sending her lots of love.
I am not a mother but I had gooseflesh reading this… maybe this will be true for my as well 🙂 Wonder how difficult a phase it would be. Because being emotionally overwhelmed has never gone down well with me 🙂 God bless you three always <3
Normal, yes. 🙂 Heart-squeeze, yes. Letting them go back to day school after the vacation and missing them terribly at home, yes, too. When they're 18, tears-mingled-with-laughter-and-pretending-they-are-tears-of-joy, yes.
Enjoy motherhood, Naba. You're a wonderful one. Hugs!
Your post is true. I am sure it's easier said that done. All mums are the same that's why 🙂
Loved it when you said – I don’t have to stop being a mother to be me and I don’t have to stop being me to be a mother. Be yoursefl Naba and that will be the best life lesson for M.
It is absolutely normal to have such thoughts! Letting go of your child is certainly not easy but when the time's right you will be able to do it. In the meantime, enjoy mommyhood and enjoy being you too!
Oh girl, you had me teary eyed reading this, although I'm not even a mum! I'm sure you're doing a fabulous job and when the time comes, you will get the wisdom you need, just as you have received it now.
I'm sure years from now you and M will be smiling at this post!
Enjoy your mommy moments Nabanita! To let go or not…will be like the ultimate tug-of-war…not just now but always…and you will do the right thing when the time comes. For now, just enjoy your baby girl!
Thanks so much, Rajlakshmi…Really needed that…thanks for the morale boost 🙂
Oh I know, Rachna..and to think of that once they leave the nest, it is only the holidays that you have…you know it because you have done it..that's life and life's tough just like letting go!
I guess it's all part and parcel of being a mother..thank goodness, I thought I was going crazy! 🙂
Thank you so much, Richa… I'll wait for the post when you become a mother…would love your perspective on it 🙂
Ahh thank you so much, Vidya… I hope I spend these 18 years wisely..Hugs <3 right back at you:)
I'm trying, Parul…I'm trying hard to continue to be myself:)
Thanks Shilpa…trust me, I'm trying to do that:)
Thanks, Corinne.. I hope she does… I really hope she does…
Trying to do that, Esha…:)
You are thinking like a mother and it is all normal. My son is soon going to be 5 and while he sleeps I gaze at his face and wonder that this little boy who does not let me go off his visionary periphery today will one day, on becoming a teenager, might tell me that he does not want to see my face or later on growing up will move away for studies or work. And then I tell myself what is going to happen will happen. I can only take care by being present in the present.
Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real – Let it go and enjoy the journey Naba.
Such a sensitive post it is Naba.. it's always wonderful to read your experiences.. And thinking about the future.. I do it all the time.. and And seeing from now what you M and S would be doing is terrific I feel.. Touchwood!
Cheers
Parents, specially mother, have a very strong bond with their child(ren). There is no relationship stronger. You're right there are cliche facts about mother's love, but in truth are all true.
Nice post, very touching.
Btw, the quote on your picture. I guess Kajol should read it. Because she is a mother besides being Kajol, which somehow means Kajol isn't a mother, the other part of her is.
Aww…mamma bear, you are such a sweetie! I adore new mommies! Loved the quote! Being unsure, insecure, full of self-doubt are all pretty mormal feelings, welcome to the overwhelming world of Mommyhood! I am not sure when exactly you stop experiencing those feelings….since I am still in a quandary regarding many topics when it comes to upbringing, despite have pretty big kids! Go by your gut feeling, every mum knows what's best for her little one. Love and hugs 😉
I think you make a valid point…we need to focus on the present and not worry about the inevitable…
I'm trying my best, Suzy 🙂
Thanks so much, Geets…That means a lot you know?
I got a little lost towards the end there 🙂 but yes we can me more than mothers and we need to remember the:)
Thanks and hus right back at you, Kala 🙂 I guess this is a part and parcel of motherhood & I need to learn to accept it..