The post was first published when my daughter was just 8 months old. Now that she is going to be 4 in a few weeks, my feelings are the same. While I myself work on self-acceptance, I want to slowly nudge her that way. I want her to not fall prey to the insecurities of beauty, to the beauty myth. I do not want the insecurities of a gap-toothed mom to hold her back. Will I succeed? Well, time will tell. Until then read what I had written as a new mother a few years back.
2016
My daughter turned 8 months old on the 14th of this month. She’s almost a year old when it seems just like yesterday that she was born.
Truth is, I can’t believe it has been 8 months already since the words ‘I have a daughter ‘ has started to mean something. I can’t believe it has been 8 months since I became a mother. Me, who doesn’t really have a single ‘motherly’ bone in my body!
Time flew by so fast and seems to be on a mission to outdo itself with every passing moment. So, fast that the first real moment when I became a mother now seems way back in the past and my birthing experience, a blur. That pre-motherhood life now seems a distant reality, which, I must be honest, I do crave for sometimes. It’s hard to fathom how time passed by changing nappies, planning feeds, joining back work, balancing motherhood with a career and of course with lots of cuddles, tears, and kisses.
These past months have been about so many firsts. The first time she smiled at us. The first time she sat up. The first time she rolled. The first time she travelled by air. Her first day at the crèche. And now her very first teeth.
Yes, we seem to have come upon that milestone, teething. These days when she laughs, two tiny teeth make their presence felt. Never knew though that this would also be a reason to celebrate. Oh motherhood, you baffle me each day.
While each of her firsts has been exciting, this one has gotten me a little worried. If you have met me in person then you might have an inkling as to why.
My central incisors have a gap in between which just doesn’t fit the standards of conventional beauty. Yes, I have gap teeth and they are crooked too.
The Insecurities Of Beauty | A Gap Toothed Mother Ponders
Though I have never really been bothered about it or felt the need to compensate for it, I also know that people have often made fun of it behind my back. Sometimes even on my face. It is the first thing people notice about me. Believe me, I know.
Today, with my daughter teething, I’m suddenly filled with anxiety. What if her teeth turn out to be like mine? Will she be able to handle being mocked at by her peers? Will her confidence be affected by how she looks on the outside? Will she inherit the insecurities of beauty that girls somehow inherit automatically?
Motherhood really does make you apprehensive about all sorts of things. This being no different.
If I were someone else, I would have asked her not to worry about it at all. But knowing me, I know I wouldn’t listen to me. But listen to me, I must.
This sudden fear makes me realise how important it is for me to teach my daughter about beauty. No, not what the society propagates as beauty but the real meaning of beauty. I need to tell her, no actually show her, that beauty is skin deep no matter how clichéd it sounds. The insecurities of beauty are just that, insecurities to stop girls and women from realizing their full potential.
Maybe my daughter will end up having teeth like mine. Or, even hair like mine, brittle and defying gravity. Maybe she’ll be nothing like me. But to me and S, she’ll still be the prettiest, most precious girl in the whole wide world. For us, her beauty will be in her heart, in her confidence and in her being comfortable in her own skin. So, if anything, this little anxiety that fills me today should serve as a reminder of the things I need to teach her.
I know she’s just 8 months old but in no time comparisons will start. In fact, a lot of it has started already. Oh, she doesn’t crawl, yet? What, she doesn’t say mum yet? She has very little hair, so sad!
See what I mean?
I need to teach her, and remind myself too, that what people think about her isn’t important. I need to teach her that education is beautiful. And hence, every educated person is beautiful. I need to teach her, and remind myself too, that it’s the heart which is beautiful. And hence, every good person is beautiful. What others think of her wouldn’t and shouldn’t matter because we never really can change people’s opinions or perceptions. These insecurities of beauty or even milestones are just projections that we must stay away from.
As she sleeps beside me, I promise myself that I’ll help her see the beauty in substance and not in the sexist, unfair parameters set by society. I promise that I’ll never complain about my hair or teeth in front of her. I certainly wouldn’t pass on my insecurities on to her with that kind of behaviour.
As she grows older through teething, falls, bodily changes and more, I’ll whisper into her ears every single night that she is enough, she is strong and she is beautiful. I’ll tell her that she’s beautiful just the way she is, with or without a gap between her teeth.
2019
M is going to be 4 in a few weeks and we both have changed a lot from when she was just 8 months old. I have begun to love my hair and be confident in it. I have begun to care for myself and accept myself the way I am. And perhaps, that will rub onto her eventually.
There are days when she wants to dress up and there are days when she wants to be in a top and shorts. But I have noticed she is confident in both. I have also noticed how she looks at herself in the mirror and accepts herself. There is no insecurity in her now with respect to her appearance because she is too young for that. I hope to preserve that.
Maybe her milk teeth will fall and she will end up having gapped teeth. But when have teeth determined one’s trajectory in life. Remember, Madonna? Yes?
So, what if she indeed as gapped teeth like mine? That won’t ever decide who she ends up being. Right?
Let me know what you think, folks.
Until next time.
So wonderful that you are writing during these early months. What a wonderful way to document your experience, and to keep your mind active. I found the early months difficult. Actually, motherhood can be incredibly difficult, but well worth it.
You would cherish all these memories and your daughter will love to read her mom's emotions which is bundled with care and love for her daughter.
It's a beautiful attitude, and it is so stupid how people are judged by looks. My gap had to be fixed because I constantly bit the side of my mouth when chewing, and I am grateful my parents were able to pay for it. Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com
My sister had a similar gap between her teeth and her daughter had as well. But she got braces for her daughter which is so common l tell you these days. Either way it is fine. As parents we have to inculcate positive self esteem in our kids. And then all other things really feel trivial.
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My husband and my sis-in-law have gap teeth like Moushmi Chatterjee. As long as there are no dental issues, I love the look. Moreover, dentistry is so evolved these days. Everything can be fixed.
Your girl is absolutely adorable and a happy kid.
Gap teeth look just fine, I guess there are ways of getting it proper at a latter stage.
xoxo – Chaicy – Style.. A Pastiche!
styleapastiche.com
Aw… that's such a sweet post. I had to laugh at 'But knowing me, I know I wouldn't listen to me.' That's the worst thing about becoming a parent – there are scores of situations where you know the right thing to do or you know how unfound/illogical your worries are and yet you cannot stop yourself. I have to say though that you look lovely and so will your daughter – gap teeth and all.
We all need to make our kids understand the real meaning of life so they are able to differentiate between superficial and deep.
Dearest Naba! 🙂 "her beauty will be in her heart, in her confidence and in her being comfortable in her own skin" = This is the truth. That's all you need to remember. As for the teeth – there's the dentist. 🙂 Hugs! Love ya!
I know that feeling, of worrying about things before they have even happened to your child. I too want to protect my daughter from hurt and ridicule from the world, but I think you have the right idea…just tell her that she is enough and give her what she needs to be strong and to feel loved. Then, anything can happen and she will be ready because the foundation is strong.
My husband has been bald ever since his college days. I was born without a trace of hair on my head and so did my son. In the first 2 years, husband used to be highly concerned about son's hair growth which was no where in sight. He even bugged the pediatrician every time we visited the doctor. Thankfully D has enough hair on his head now.
You are a wonderful mom by choosing not to pass on the obvious meaning of beauty to your daughter. The obvious is superficial. The most important thing for her to know is she is enough irrespective of the looks part. Have I told you yet that M is adorable? Yes she is 🙂
I loved your words. You will become that awesome Mum who will get the right values to your girl and I know that. As for the teeth, it's hers to decide 🙂 Hugs!
You know what… I had gaps in between center teeth while growing up… I read somewhere that if you press your teeth closer everyday after waking up the gap will decrease because early morning the gums are slightly softer and weaker… or so it said. But I did it and over a period of time the gap decreased… but now I have gaps between the other two teeth 😛 But as I said in Facebook you have the teeth of latest fashion… so don't worry 😛 And for your baby, she is growing up to be so kickass that this won't even matter. I like your words and how you want to change the notion of beauty to your child. 🙂
A good post!
Congrats on the li'l bundle of joy Naba…God Bless!
He he, I so relate to your blog on mommyhood. Am past a stage of babyhood, mine is 10 now. Gap teeth worries have now been replaced by other worries:D, Mommyhood evolves
Having weird and awkward teeth is really irritating. Pre-treatment, everyone ends up looking away when you smile at them. During treatment, no one wants to see the smile with braces. And post-treatment, no one even remembers what you looked like before, and there's hardly any reaction from total strangers!
It's also important to teach her how to take the laughter and jibes in one's stride and not care about it! 🙂
I know that feeling of being judged and being prodded with so many questions. If this is perfect people have to find fault in that, either way, they do anyway. I haven't had any teeth issues, but I have had many other issues. And your daughter is beautiful as she is, I am glad she has got a mommy like you.
Thanks , Kitt..It certainly is incredibly difficult. Not the easiest job in the world. Probably the toughest there..
Thanks, Ajai.. I hope she does 🙂
True, Alana..I wonder why we don't see the true essence of beauty more often
True , Rachna..I hope I'm able to do that for M. Sometimes, I feel I'm too impulsive to do all these things which a mother should..
Thanks so much, Alka…
It's not so much the shape of the teeth that I'm worried about. It's more the peer pressure and the jibes that comes with it. But as you said, everything can be fixed these days 🙂
Yes, there certainly are 🙂
Thanks so much , Tulika..This is what I love about blogging, this support and positive attitude from everyone..Makes things easier, you know 🙂
You said it Swati…We do need to!
Thanks so much Vidya..You are right ..I keep telling me that I need to remember that …Love you too <3
Absolutely…I guess we can only equip them and hope that they are strong enough to face the world which isn't always so kind..
Thanks so much , Anamika…I love it that we stand with each other through our blogs..I feel so much better now 🙂 Thanks you again <3
Thanks, Parul..I somehow forgot that, yes it is for her to decide ..true, very true
Thanks, Rajlakshmi..I wish I knew this while I was growing up. Shucks! You were just a few hours away the, I wish I knew you at that point in time 🙂 😛
Thanks, Rajeev 🙂
Thanks, Nisha 🙂
hehe well I'm glad you do, Ami… I guess mommyhood is another name of being worried eh? 🙂
People, I tell you!
But I'll try to teach her that.Hope I can 🙂
Thanks for visiting, Mithila
Thanks so much , Ramya
I hope I can teach her not to get boggled down by the opinions of others 🙂
Don't you worry Naba! Your girl is going to be the world's prettiest girl and it is only being mother thinking about all of it. Yes, the external beauty doesn't matter. At all. And I'm sure you will teach your daughter some great lessons of life!
Cheers
Geets
Thanks , Geets :)… I hope I can teach her what is important and help her deal with life and people better
That's so cute of you…speaking to her that she is enough. And yes, time flies and matter of worry changes so fast. Happy Parenting Nabanita.
“I need to teach her, and remind myself too, that it’s the heart which is beautiful. And hence, every good person is beautiful.”
“As she grows older through teething, falls, bodily changes and more, I’ll whisper into her ears every single night that she is enough, she is strong and she is beautiful.”
Just beautiful! Words to live by, and to instil in our kids. Thanks!