I have lost the will to clean!
This is the thought that crept up on me this Thursday morning as I stood in front of the bureau, the dusting cloth in my hand. Yes, I just stood there, clueless, wondering what the whole point was behind dusting. I mean, the dust is just going to be back again. So, what was the point really? Who was I kidding?
And the next thing I know, the cloth went back to where it was picked up from and I went back to brewing a cup of tea, staring at the mundane kitchen tiles the whole time.
If you knew me, then this, my friend, would be what you’d call an emergency. Yes, I could postpone having tea but dusting every morning is what I follow religiously, day after day, every day. No, I’m not saying my house is Monica clean, but I try. It’s just my cleansing ritual to start a new day but on that day, I somehow seemed to have lost the will to do even that.
Not all days are equal but like all days, they too pass.
A few minutes later, I found myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. The disheveled hair as disheveled as any other day. So, at least, that was normal. Then what was it that was out of place? Was it my eyes? Two black holes now remained where they once used to be. But, that was also not it. I had seen these before too what with the habit of reading way past bedtime ever since my pigtail days. And then it struck me. It was the woman staring back at me. A woman who had nowhere to go, who had to spend the whole day at home.
Being at home sometimes makes me feel like I have no purpose even though I know that’s not true.
It has been over four months now that I have been at home. And it is going to be another three before I join back work. Now, I know how important and precious these months are. And to be frank, I’m enjoying too, this new phase, being with M and discovering shades of myself which I never knew existed. But there are days when I just want to go out, maybe belong to a team like I used to, work on something. Never knew I’d say this but I miss going to the office. I miss those crappy projects, those boring status calls and even some of those sermonizing higher-ups. Yes, I do.
I think I always knew at the back of my mind that these seven months of maternity leave are going to be tough on me. Yes, I knew this from the last three-month-long break I had taken from work while in Germany. Maybe that’s the reason I have kept myself busy every moment of every day since I got back with M from the hospital. If not taking care of M or something related to her, then I have been busy writing or reading. Not a day has gone by when I have not done either or both.
But this past week, I have found it rather hard to focus. That strong desire to not let myself whirl away my days without at least doing something that I love has been waning. I think I have been trying so hard to avoid this feeling of missing work that it has just increased manifolds. And on Thursday, it just blew all over my face.
There are those days when I just feel like a rudderless boat, useless and not needed at all.
Now, I don’t know if this is boredom or just the metaphorical walls creeping up on me. But it’s tough. On one hand, I don’t want to have to leave M alone while on the other I cannot wait to go back to work. Some dilemma, right?
Sometimes, I wonder how mom did it. Didn’t she get bored being at home whole day taking care of us? I know she found her release in painting, artwork and reading. It’s not to say that every day of the past 4 months has been tough on me. Not really. But there are those days when I just feel like a rudderless boat, useless and not needed at all. Which is not true at all. If anything this is all just an over-reaction but it still doesn’t mean I don’t feel it sometimes.
I think it’s about habit. I have been so used to going out for work for the past 8 years that it now gets suffocating to be at home for an extended period of time. I think what I need is a day out to get my bearings right. Going back to work is anyways something that is bound to happen in June until then short breaks should do it.
In fact, on seeing me so restless, S suggested I go out with my sister. Shop, watch a movie, eat and basically spend the day outside the four walls to remedy this mental frame that I was in. And then he literally pushed me out of the house on Saturday while he took care of M all by himself.
Did it work?
Well, I think it did, to some extent. It’s another thing that I ended up spending so much on shopping. I shouldn’t be left in shopping malls unsupervised! But I digress.
I think being at home got to me and a few hours outside did me some good.
Did I get back my cleaning mojo?
Well, I guess not yet but let’s give it some time.
But, mothers reading this, share your story with me? Am I normal to have felt, and maybe still feel, what I just described?
Naba, its totally normal as life is more in control of the little one. I know how you feel about missing work, cause the first 6 months with baby for a new mother are the toughest and you are past 4. So, some bright side there. Things would only get better from here as M grows and you discover new things about her everyday. Relax. Its normal. The occasional break with no worries is a definitely good idea.
Our moms could do it because the conditioning of their generation was very different. Once a woman gets used to the stimulation of the outside world, it's difficult to settle into domestic life. You though at least have your reading and writing. Perhaps what you need is some friendly company?
Naba, M house is also cluttered to the extent ……. It's calling ……. Thanks for reminding me …. 😛
This is really interesting, Naba. Having worked for so long, I was really happy to quit and am a happy homebody now. But yes, I did feel frustrated and out of my depth for a while.
Only reflecting now…partly on what you've written on Lata's comment. I'm wondering if have to be 'doing' something to feel that we're useful. Just as Lata talks about the conditioning of the previous generation, perhaps this generation is also condition to feel that unless they're working, unless life is hectic, they're not being useful.
I also think the same… How did our moms do it… I am unmarried… But I live in a house all by myself… After office, I clean, wash and cook. It makes me wonder how can you do this? Because it comes with monotony and boredom!
I will tell you about my Mum. She started teaching in our school when I was 5. Since then, Mum's work, her financial independence has been her top priority but then when my brother and I left, she felt she can relax and take it easy and then she decided not too. Even today over 17 years since we have been away from home, she is still working. She cribs but still loves the time she spends with children. It gives her, her own career and life. Of course friends. Some thing different to talk to with Papa. Sorry for a long comment but I am sure you are feeling it right. It's good to go back to work with all energy and enthusiasm. You will enjoy it even more.
and yes cleaning – I never had such ritual. I find it the most monotonous thing ever 😛
Having worked full time and now part time, sometimes I long for the going to every day routine and most of the time I love the freedom and space I get from my current profile. Guess, some days are like that only. So relax and enjoy each day as it comes. KG would really wish me getting the feeling of not doing cleaning on some days, I am sure! 😀
No matter how busy one is, there comes a time when we feel like going out of the 4 walls and spend time.. with our friends or colleagues or may be with ourselves.. And cleaning thing! My room, and the kind of furniture it has, dust is always there, no matter how much I clean..
I dust it in the morning and by evening, its the same again.. Sometimes it gets really tiring and annoying at the same time and during those times, I simply leave it.. and let it be. For a thunder is not going to come if I'll leave it with dust for a day, right?
It's always a delight to read your Monday Musings Naba and you always inspire to write more 🙂
Cheers
Sigh… I guess this lack of will to clean is a birth defect in me :/
I think it is still early days for you as a mum, Nabanita and your body is still going through a lot of hormonal changes, which explains why somedays may be a little difficult even when things are going well. I say this because I've been through this myself but the good part is this too shall pass. Once you join work, things will get better for sure, so hang on in there!
Sounds like you had a bad case of "cabin fever". Good thing your hubby pushed you out that door. It's the best cure.
I don't have a cleaning mojo at all 😛
Your post and Rachna's reminds me that I have to clean out the cupboards – mine especially 😀
Enjoy your time at home. It's precious moments and you will look back fondly 🙂
I get cabin fever if I'm home all day as well – doesn't matter what the circumstances are 😀
I wish I could borrow some magic from Hogwarts just just to clean my house. I hate cleaning, especially the kitchen. But since there's always the fear of cockroach attack… I do it… everyday. Just the thought makes me tired!
Take it easy girl 🙂 Don't stress so much 🙂
I think it's completely a normal feeling to have,especially when one has been working for a long time. In your case you're on maternity and would join back soon. I too went through the same emotions, but after the mat. break.. I realized that my in-laws couldnt handle my kid because of health reasons and I had to quit. And that was the time when it was really bad. Looking back, I think there wasnt so much to get scared, one can always get back to work if one really wants to badly enough, irrespective of how long a break you need to take.
I conquered that feeling by getting my daughter out of her crib (if awake) and taking her in the living room with me. I just sat down by her and played patty cake, sang, told her how much I love and got lost in her hazel eyes. She was my world back then.
I loved reading this post as I could totally relate to what you are going through. My son is now just 15 months and I got back to work when he was 7 months. I did badly wanted to get back to office. But now I'm done with all this chaos and just feel like being at home taking care of my little one and do what I love to do rather than leaving him in a child care worrying about him and getting to work on some crappy projects which I can't relate myself to. So please relax and enjoy this time since this rest would only give you the momentum to handle all the multitasking and pressure you might have to face once u get back to work. It's not a easy world handling a toddler, working and being a wife..
I loved reading this post as I could totally relate to what you are going through. My son is now just 15 months and I got back to work when he was 7 months. I did badly wanted to get back to office. But now I'm done with all this chaos and just feel like being at home taking care of my little one and do what I love to do rather than leaving him in a child care worrying about him and getting to work on some crappy projects which I can't relate myself to. So please relax and enjoy this time since this rest would only give you the momentum to handle all the multitasking and pressure you might have to face once u get back to work. It's not a easy world handling a toddler, working and being a wife..
Thanks Lata..the break did certainly do me some good:)
Could be Lata? The whole day I'm home alone just with her..maybe some real adult conversation and company is what I need..
Welcome 🙂
Yes, it definitely couldn't be that Corinne..maybe subconsciously I think that unless I go out and work I'm not doing anything important..so yes it could be the reason
Monotony and boredom..yes, those are the words that define my days ..some part of my days but I try really hard not to think about it though but on some days I just fail
You know Parul..maybe you are right..maybe I'll enjoy and value my work even more now after joining..thanks ya 🙂 thanks also for sharing about your mom 🙂
Haha I'm Monica, I can't help it 😀
Haha so you are Monica as well..we really have to meet Shilpa.. I see a lot of myself in you 🙂
Thanks so much Geets..it's a pleasure that you find my posts to be such..and you are right a thunder is certainly not going to come if I don't dust for a few days…you know? I think I should take it easy and let the things be..
Haha ..well, well then there's nothing you can do about it 😀
Thanks so much Esha..it's reassuring to hear this..there are days when I feel like I'm completely losing it..
It certainly helped me a lot, Debbie..and yes you are right..it must have been that..
Haha..well I'll take your word and do just that..enjoy myself:)
Thanks for this ..it's always reassuring to read about someone else's experience in a similar situation. Helps to keep the focus..
Ahh I do do that ..but it's when she's asleep or when I see my husband going out that I feel restless..
Thanks Priya.it means a lot knowing that I'm not the only one going through this… Thanks for sharing your story with me 🙂