As this year draws to a close, it’s time to take stock on one of the most important aspects of my life, being a mom. Last year, this is what I had written about the kind of mom I wanted to be this year, in 2019,

“this mom wants to be slightly more patient in the new year. This mom wants to have fun with her little girl. This mom wants to fill her little girl with so much love that she doesn’t even know she has. No resolutions for me just a vision to be a better version of the mom that I’m to M now. Of course, the daily struggles will continue but if I can only tweak this aspect in me, tighten a few screws, it could go a long way in making me happy and M too on so many levels.”

Was I able to achieve it? Well, yes and no, perhaps. I’ll explain why.

This year I was able to gradually stop fretting about M’s food habits. Well, I still frett like any mother would but I have managed to not freak out about it. My outbursts have reduced considerably while feeding her at night which was a thing I wanted to do better in.

I still worry, even try to coax her to eat more but I don’t behave like a maniac anymore when she doesn’t. I even don’t freak out anymore when she hardly eats at dinner. I worry still, of course, but as I said it’s within the acceptable level of being a parent, a mom particularly. So, in all fairness, I think I did well in this department.

M and I still fight a lot though. You would think we are friends and I suppose on some level it’s good. I keep urging her to put on her slippers at home or at least wear socks which she never seems to want to do and it freaks me out. I’m like a broken record when it comes to this but to no avail. So, there I have actually reached an impasse and don’t know what to do next.

There are some other aspects of me being a mother which I must say I could have handled better. From becoming worried about which class M should have been admitted to at every query from overenthusiastic parents to trying to be too controlling most times with M, I could have done better.

For example, I don’t like to let her play with water worried that she will catch a cold forgetting that she is just a child and must not be tied down. When she paints, I’m more worried about her making her room or the floor messy than letting her just make a mess. I think this is what I need to work on in the future. How will M soar high if I don’t let her fly?

One thing that I really wanted to improve upon was to spend more time with M in the evenings and now with my cook coming in early each morning, I’m able to take M to the playground in the evenings after work and that is a welcome change. Of course, that has it’s set of problems too what with M not wanting to go back home once out playing. But still, something is better than nothing, right?

This year I also realised that my being an introvert could actually hurt M.  I mean as much as the world should, they don’t really understand us introverts and I honestly don’t want M losing out due to that. So, now I’m part of Whatsapp groups I wouldn’t have been part of earlier and I try to converse with people more than my natural inclination. Still not good at it though because the moment someone suggests we meet up, I’m full of anxiety but I’m working on it. I have to for M.

I’m still a work-in-progress parent.

I think 2019 was a year of some progress as a mom and some new revelations as one. I’m still a work-in-progress though and that’s fine by me. I just hope that as the days progress, I become a little more patient as a mom, something I really lack as a person.

So, that was me as a mom in 2019 and I just hope to keep working on all my shortcomings into the next year too. No resolutions, just the hope of doing better as a mom.