What comes to your mind when you read “A wife murdered by her husband”? Any person, no actually any human being for that matter would view this incident as the death of a relationship and the death of the sanctity of love. Ofcourse the loss of a life too! Tragic, grotesque and highly condemnable occurrence to say the least; well nothing can justify murder; atleast not when it is premeditated and cold blooded.
Just last week the papers in my city went abuzz with the hot and not so pleasing news of a man killing his wife with a knife that he had specially carried all the way from Delhi down to Bangalore for that particular purpose. But what happened next is what compelled me to write this article. There is an E-Bulletin Board (where exactly I wish I could openly point at!) where people discuss all sorts of topics like salary, sports, food, and social, economic, political concerns and infact any issue or topic under the sun. It is there that this latest news was also being discussed. What ensued further gave credence to my opinion that this Indian Society is at the Nadir of its very existence.
Being good or bad doesn’t warrant education; it doesn’t determine the inclination of one towards either side. Ofcourse, it could widen one’s perspective on contentious issues or superstitions or archaic beliefs but beyond that it cannot make a person good or bad! The Forum where this murder and its “probable cause” were being discussed was filled with Engineering graduates and MBAs. Infact even with people who would have widely travelled the world and belong to the so called “upper echelons” of society. But the nit picking and dissection that this issue was subjected to with the direction it was manoeuvred towards showed that the rot in our society is so damn deep that even education wouldn’t be able to cure it!
So here’s what “justifications” these educated and sophisticated men that walk in our midst drew from this gory murder. Number one she must have been a whore for not heeding to the husband’s demand of helping him with a loan to buy an all-important apartment in some city. Well my point is don’t women have the right to say no? Or, do men want educated and working wives but those that have no brains or thoughts of their own! Maybe she didn’t want to move to that city. Just because he was the husband she should follow him like a doormat for the hell of it!
Second; her parents lived with her so they were the source of all problems and obviously she must have been extremely bad with her in-laws. So let me get this straight, a woman’s parents can’t live with her and if they do its sacrilege? Are the parents of men born with some sort of halo on their heads that only they need to be taken care of? If the woman’s in-laws do not stay with her then the woman is a drab! So a woman needs to always take care of her in-laws even though they treat her like crap and forget those parents who brought her in this world? Does any man take this kind of responsibility for his in-laws? How can a man blame a wife or expect her to quietly complete all her duties for his parents when he doesn’t feel the same sort of love or respect towards her family? Are responsibilities in relationships akin to one way traffic? If a woman decides enough is enough and stands up for her rights and her beliefs; then a man is justified to kill her?
Oh and there is more. Another person goes to say that men should not marry educated girls because controlling one is trouble? Why because an educated woman is more likely to have a voice and you cannot mute and unmute her at will? Is it because she is more likely to have the chutzpah in her to guard her self-respect?
Shameful facts, disgraceful men! Wonder if that’s how most men think? They want a wife; she has to be a working woman but she shouldn’t be one with a backbone. She should earn but not have a say. She should bring in her entire salary to her ‘husband’s home’ and not give a penny to her parents or siblings. Yes, ‘husband’s home’ I say for people tend to forget that it is her house too!
Hypocrites in the form of men and even women make up our society. They need a woman but they can’t respect one. They need a woman but they don’t know the value of one. They are born out of a woman still they don’t hesitate to kill one!
Difficult to control, huh? That is the root of the problem, isn't it, this view that married life is a power struggle and the man needs to get the upper hand….failing which he feels less of a man! If someone cannot view wedded life as a life of mutual cooperation, at least, if not love then it is best that that someone does not marry. Now, that is NOT the reason why I did not marry 🙂
Naba you are not the first or the last person thinking like this; almost every thinking person in that country goes through the same kind of doubts. I believe, it is because there is no love in our society because, love is difficult control is easy. My latest post was also on this topic.
With every passing day the situation and the mindset of the general populace just seems to be getting worse doesn't it? I don't know what to tell you here Naba, except that its not the end, not even close. And what's worse, nothing seems to have the power to change the mindset. We are maybe a few individuals (both men and women, some educated, some not) in a mass population who think that women have rights. That they are human beings. But how do you drill it into the minds of the others who objectify women? Every news article that I read similar to this one, makes me more depressed and that's the only reason I don't write much about it. I wrote about Women's Day last year as a sarcastic article and then on the Guwahati incident – more towards empowering ourselves, but beyond that – there are such people who are beyond repair. No matter how much we argue with them, we would only come out tired at the end. It won't even make a dent in their solid-walled brains. Its not going to be an easy change, would take generations. Its the mothers who have to bring in the change. Raise your daughter as an equal human being. Raise a son teaching him to respect both genders. Unfortunately, we have mothers – women themselves – who think the other way. At the end of the day, you can be the best you can. help others around you in the best way you can and pray and hope that the behaviour spreads. Its a sad state to be in 🙁
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The fault doesn't lie with men alone. Superiority of men folk and role of a second fiddle has been internalised by women and they refuse to stand up for their own rights. I still remember the expression of shock on the faces of my in-laws when I stated my preference for a particular political party at the time of election, for the first time after my marriage. They didn't expect me to have a mind of my own and speak it too. After initial hiccups, everybody came around to accept me as a being lead by her own choices. The struggle may see difficult at times but is worthwhile.
I agree with fellow readers that the fault doesnt lie with Men alone. But i disagree with the fact that mothers should raise their child in a certain way. I am a mother and I see how my son gets influenced by his father too. At least in now a days it not only a mother's responsibility as most of the couples are working the parents share equal responsibility in teaching their kids. And you are right Naba in pointing out that education rather than lighting our way is only being used to talk in better language rather than in better mind. People are just getting literate they are not educating themselves.
I liked the way you have written it, good command over language and especially loved the last line.
Hi Naba,
No doubt a very truthful appraisal!The last paragraph sums it all!
Haha Suresh see now all the wrong men have married and right men like you have not!
On a serious note; you are right marriage is not a power struggle and people need to understand that!
I agree..wonder when things will change!
Oh yes most certainly Deepa the mindset is pathetic…! You know everytime I write such a post I say to myself this will be the last but I just cannot stop myself… I feel so angry at society and the way it treats women!!
Thanks Yashodhan 🙂
I agree Meenakshi… even in the most educated households; when it comes to a daughter-in-law the mindset is still primitive and unfortunate! Kudos to you!
Thanks Uppal!
Thanks Nivedita.. I agree its the responsibility of both parents!!