Dearest Blog,

How are you? I hope you are doing better than me. I’ve been feeling low and negative these past few days. There is no specific reason as such. There is just this unhappy sensation emanating from my core. I feel stuck, tied down and utterly helpless. I know the wise would ask me to feel grateful and content, which I am mostly. But I can’t help it. You might ask if I know the reason. I guess it’s many things altogether. Let’s see if I can pour it out here for you.

Work is making me unhappy, I think, not the work but the anxiety that comes with it. I don’t want to feel tensed and worried all the time. And then there are some people problems too. Why do people bring so much ego into work? Why so much conflict? I think the trade-off between losing my mental peace and what I have been getting in return is just not fair. I don’t know if and when this feeling will change. But I’m going to stick to it as long as I can. Let’s just say I’m not bursting with love for work at this point.

I miss writing too. But somehow, I don’t have the energy or time to pour out my thoughts. I think when I was writing, it was working as therapy as well. I want to get back to it, but something is missing. Whether it is the drive or inspiration, I don’t know. There have been starts, but they were just that, starts. Writing used to be cathartic for me, and I think a lot of my anxiety will wash away if I can do it regularly again. Well, time will tell.

Another reason for my foul mood is how my maid has been absconding every few days these past few months. Now, the women will understand where I’m coming from. It’s sad, isn’t it, that this mental load also we have to carry? I’m amazed at how blissfully unaware men are about these things or how it is easy for them to find our anxieties around maids frivolous. But that deserves a blog post of its own.

And then all the hoopla about working from the office. I bet the men are eager to work from the office, the big shots from the boys’ clubs that run the corporate corridors. Unless I’m performing surgery or working on the electrical fittings of a building, I can attend calls on Teams from home just as efficiently as from the office. Women again will run against time to balance work, home, and kids. Not that working from home was a cakewalk because we had to multitask no matter where we were, but at least we didn’t have to spend time in traffic, rushing to get to work in the mornings and then back home to start the next shift. I don’t need this strain, but it’s going to be my lot in life for now.

I have also been experiencing self-doubt about my dancing ability. I was lucky to attend a Kathak workshop this month with one of the most celebrated Kathak Gurus in the world. It was such a wonderful experience and also very eye-opening. It made me realise I have so much more to learn. It’s not that I didn’t know that, but I realised my body is not as lithe as it used to be. Now that I have moved to the next level of the Kathak classes for the past few months, I have seen how speed is something I’m terrible at. My Guru tells me I’ll get there with practice, but will I? I feel like I missed the train. Now it’s too late for me. Maybe I’ll find out if I practice. With work and all the other things I need to take care of, I can’t seem to find the time or inclination for that either. Such a mess, I know!

I feel this incredible need to run away these days. I know I can’t. But I can physically feel this emanating from my chest. I feel heavy, so heavy. I’m not even able to sleep very well these days. I want to stop over-thinking but am unable to. Is it my mid-life crisis? Is this what being depressed is? Maybe it is.

I’m so low and negative today, isn’t it? Well, I can’t help it. Maybe next time, I’ll be better. For now, let me wallow in self-pity.

Ciao!