The Moment When I Became A Mother

Nov 21
NabanitaDhar

Do you remember the first real moment when you became a mother or a parent? I do. Let me tell you my story.

 

Never say never.

 

These words have never made more sense to me than in the week that just went by. Truth is, you never can say how and where life surprises you. Trust me, I know and perhaps you do too.

 

There are paths you plan to traverse in this journey called life. I’m no different either hence there has always been a vague blueprint of things I wanted from life, still do. Of course, destiny would perhaps have served me better if I had made these plans a wee bit more seriously. Well, anyways.

 

In my grand scheme of things though motherhood had never really made the cut. Truth be told, I never thought I would ever grow up and being a mother was the grown-up thing to do. But grow up I did and this year, I became a mother to an adorable little baby girl. Oh! boy, there’s no turning back now, is there?

 

I had always seen my colleagues and friends talk about pregnancy and motherhood with an exceptional zest which made me wonder if that is exactly how I would feel when at the same juncture in life. Their lives seemed to change overnight and all they could talk, think and probably even write about was either their pregnancy or motherhood. So, I was curious about how I would react because I knew I lacked in this aspect. I never really thought I could feel so deeply about being a mother as these women did.

 

And then I found out I was pregnant.

 

I was happy, no doubt because it was something S and I had planned, even the time in our lives, everything to the tee really. But somehow like the other women I had seen from close quarters, pregnancy didn’t overpower the other aspects of my life. I carried on in much the same way as earlier. Being pregnant wasn’t the only thing that was in my mind, which actually made me wonder if I was missing some kind of sensitivity chip. Or, even if I had what it takes to be a parent, a mother. But knowing me, I guess that was expected.

 

Every other pregnant friend or acquaintance of mine always seemed focused only on that one thing during those 9 months, which was on being pregnant. Somehow, I never behaved that way. And would you believe me, I continued working till the very day that my water broke. So, up until the very last moment, I didn’t know if I had it in me to feel how a mother actually feels.

 

And then she arrived.

 

From the moment I was pregnant, I knew I wanted a girl. Call me biased, but the heart wants what the heart wants. But lying in the labour room I actually couldn’t feel a thing when she was finally out. After going through so much pain, all I was feeling was a strange numbness. It was an out of body experience really. I could see the doctors and nurses talking, a doctor checking on my baby girl, S almost in tears and the entire room busy in some kind of slow motion. It took some time for the realisation to dawn that I had had a baby girl. I was relieved, not to mention extremely happy but did I feel motherly, I couldn’t say.

 

What is this feeling of being a mother? When do you actually become a mother? Does it happen as soon as you give birth or way before that?

 

The rest of the day went by coming to terms with the fact that we were now a family of three. Good wishes kept pouring in, friends and relatives kept visiting and this was how it was for three to four days. Some sort of sleepless nights, getting accustomed to a new routine and a new life that we had to now take care of, that was all that occupied our minds. Or, rather we were just going through the motions without brakes.

 

We had become parents, all planned and executed as we wanted. But had we become parents really?

 

On the fifth day, when we took our baby girl for a newborn screening test, that is the day when we probably became parents for the first time. At least, I felt I became a mother at that moment. She had to be admitted for phototherapy for 24 hours since she had jaundice. 24 hours in NICU without us. She had to be kept there alone, with her eyes covered, under the ultraviolet light which would reduce her bilirubin levels. Now, this is a very common condition for newborns and the rational part of me would have repeated the same thing over and over again had it been with someone else. But something happened and I couldn’t bear the thought of letting her out of my sight. I just couldn’t.

 

Seeing her in that NICU where I had to ask permission to even visit her broke my heart. How would I spend 24 hours without her? When would the levels decrease? Why did it have to be my daughter? Why couldn’t it have just happened to me? Was it something I neglected that led to this? How would she stay there alone in the NICU? Who would feed her?

 

Somewhere in the midst of all these questions and countless tears, I became a mother. That was the day I realised that I’m just like every other mother. I can’t bear the thought of being away from my child especially when she is sick. Yes, that was when I became a mother for the very first time.

 

This feeling is unlike any other I have experienced so far. I haven’t been so restless and helpless ever in my life. I pride myself on being strong in the face of difficulties and tough times. I can run around taking care of my loved ones when they are sick and never show my vulnerable side. But this time, it was as if a wall had suddenly broken and all I had remaining within me were tears, fear and the longing for my baby girl to be in my arms.

 

That’s when I took my first real step into motherhood.

 

As I type this, she is asleep next to me. We still have to do a test three days later to ascertain if the jaundice is completely gone and within control. I just hope it is because I don’t want any harm to come to her. Even the thought of her being sick is something I don’t want to entertain. I guess that’s what being a mother is all about, isn’t it?

 

Before you go tell me when was the first time you realised you had actually become a parent?

 

The first real moment when I became a mother. #NewMom#Motherhood

90 thoughts on “The Moment When I Became A Mother”

  1. Naba, first and foremost – Congratulations! 🙂 <3

    I was nodding along as I read this post, and towards the end, I just had no words. I went through the same exact thing with D. He was screened for Jaundice, and they assured me that 2 out of 3 newborns are prone to this, and that he would be away for just 2 hours, and I should use the time and rest. But rest and sleep were the last thing on my mind. I waited outside for the entire time he was getting tested.

    I think this quote by Elizabeth Stone sums up parenting well – Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.

    Much love to your baby girl. <3

    P.S. Try not to worry about the jaundice thing. It really is very common.

  2. Many congratulations, Naba! So very happy for you. God bless you three. I cannot comment on the jaundice. But my Mom says it is common. Keep faith. So much love coming your way. ��

  3. Many congratulations, Naba! So very happy for you. God bless you three. I cannot comment on the jaundice. But my Mom says it is common. Keep faith. So much love coming your way. ��

  4. Many many congratulations dear Naba! Welcome to the Moms of girls group. Yep, went through the same thing with Gy. Jaundice, treatment, separation everything. She'll be fine. Don't worry 🙂 hugs and love to you.

  5. Many congratulations! You're in for a wild but fun ride. Motherhood is exceptionally hard but equally satisfying. I became a mom almost a year after she was born. The first year was just a blur but the day she had her first febrile seizure and I prayed to God with all my heart for her to be ok- that day right there. Enjoy the newborn days- as they say, the days are long but the years are short.

  6. Oh wow!! Congratulations! November girls are the best 😉
    Can't say anything about motherhood but if you are happy, that's the best thing! Enjoy this new phase and love to the little soul. Happy for you!!

  8. Many many congratulations Naba! You've expressed the first time feeling of being a parent so beautifully. Hugs! Lots of love to the baby girl. She'll be fine! 🙂

  9. Both my sons had been natal jaundice. Luckily just putting them in the sun was enough. No separation. I know what you mean. Trust me, you are a worrier for life. 🙂 So happy that you are experiencing this. Lots of love to the little one. Can't wait to visit her. For me, I remember when I nursed my son for the first time, awkward as it was, was when I felt the gush of emotions as a mother.

  10. Both my sons had been natal jaundice. Luckily just putting them in the sun was enough. No separation. I know what you mean. Trust me, you are a worrier for life. 🙂 So happy that you are experiencing this. Lots of love to the little one. Can't wait to visit her. For me, I remember when I nursed my son for the first time, awkward as it was, was when I felt the gush of emotions as a mother.

  11. Hugs Naba. Congratulations. I felt the hug of Motherhood when I discovered I was pregnant – and I feel it every single day now. Blessings to your baby girl and you – and wishing you a healthy happy time ahead.

  12. Congratulations Nabanita!! Welcome to the parenthood club. Jaundice is common to new borns so be assured your baby will be fine. As for the restless feeling about separation, this is going to stay with you for the rest of your life. From now on you will feel restless when you don't experience such feelings and this is not going to happen.
    When did I realise I had become a parent? I was one such devilish mum who wished to do nothing with the baby for the first few days or months. I was too much troubled with Delhi's summer heat, breastfeeding issues, sore and painful nipples, constant back pain and having to recover from the C – section surgery. My brain yelled out loud inside – take the baby away.

  13. Congratulations Nabanita!! Welcome to the parenthood club. Jaundice is common to new borns so be assured your baby will be fine. As for the restless feeling about separation, this is going to stay with you for the rest of your life. From now on you will feel restless when you don't experience such feelings and this is not going to happen.
    When did I realise I had become a parent? I was one such devilish mum who wished to do nothing with the baby for the first few days or months. I was too much troubled with Delhi's summer heat, breastfeeding issues, sore and painful nipples, constant back pain and having to recover from the C – section surgery. My brain yelled out loud inside – take the baby away.

  15. Congrats Naba! I became a mom this June and your post was like my own experience action replay! As we were waiting for the discharge day, the Jaundice played spoilsport. Believe me its pretty common. Had u been cautious even to your heart's content, u couldn't have avoided it. Newborn Baby's liver isn't matured enough to properly break down Bilirubin so jaundice is common. U can check with ur doc for ideal bilirubin values as per age of child. That's the technical side.
    My son had jaundice and they had put the photo treatment next to my bed. For 3 nights, we were awake as he wouldn't like the covered eyes and try to remove the goggles…The 3rd trimester got the feeling of motherhood sinking inside me. I was eating for my child, taking every step cautiously, doing r&d;, counting the baby movements etc.
    Welcome to the beautiful world of motherhood. Congrats!
    Here's something I wrote as a new mom
    http://shaivikafunda.blogspot.in/2015/07/motherhood-journey-begins.html

  16. Big congratulations Naba! what a surprise for me. My younger one also had jaundice. It will subside over time. Nothing to worry about. I hated the blood tests they used to do, pricking my baby. The paediatrician told me not to worry at all. Sometimes it takes 3 – 4 months to subside. It is v normal.

  17. Big congratulations Naba! what a surprise for me. My younger one also had jaundice. It will subside over time. Nothing to worry about. I hated the blood tests they used to do, pricking my baby. The paediatrician told me not to worry at all. Sometimes it takes 3 – 4 months to subside. It is v normal.

  18. Congrats congrats and more congrats!! Even I know it from deep within that if I ever I decide to have a baby, I'd want a girl. And I'm so happy for you.

    I'll save this post and read it again when I actually get there.

  19. Congrats congrats and more congrats!! Even I know it from deep within that if I ever I decide to have a baby, I'd want a girl. And I'm so happy for you.

    I'll save this post and read it again when I actually get there.

  20. Congratulations again Naba. You put is so beautifully – the way this feeling of being a mother creeps over you and fills you in completely. Isn't it just amazing? You made me relive my first moments of becoming a mother. Reeling as I am over two weeks of holidays with the twins driving me crazy this put things in perspective. I am looking forward to your mommy posts. Warmest hugs to the little one. PS: Do take care of yourself too.

  21. Heartiest Congratulations Nabanita!
    Yes, it's normal to not have nay feelings for the first time mother. I bonded with my daughter after 24hrs, she was sleeping soundly; first the nurse came for cleaning the chord then when she settled down the doctor came and gave her an injection, waking and making her cry unceremoniously. I was furious with their insensitivity. 🙂 All the best, daughters are the best. If you plan for a second then this feeling will remain throughout the pregnancy. Bonding would be instantaneous.

  22. Awww Naba … Don't worry she will be fine soon. Congratulations 😀 So happy to hear your news 😀 Take care ok.
    PS: So what's her name?

  24. Congratulations, Nabanita! Enjoy these moments of life with your little one! Motherhood is challenging and people have all sorts of experiences and yet, once you've become one, you couldn't have it any other way! It is such a beautiful feeling…there are new discoveries to be made everyday 😀 !! Very happy for you! The day I came to see the 20th week scans, I felt the first tugs of motherhood and the feeling has stayed on, turning my life a whole 360 degrees around! I had to look beyond the little worries to realise that I was actually responsible for this tiny little being from now on! That's the moment when I felt truly grown up! The bond is created bit by bit every day…it takes time…for now, enjoy your special moments together. Hugs to you and the little one!

  25. Congratulations, Nabanita! Enjoy these moments of life with your little one! Motherhood is challenging and people have all sorts of experiences and yet, once you've become one, you couldn't have it any other way! It is such a beautiful feeling…there are new discoveries to be made everyday 😀 !! Very happy for you! The day I came to see the 20th week scans, I felt the first tugs of motherhood and the feeling has stayed on, turning my life a whole 360 degrees around! I had to look beyond the little worries to realise that I was actually responsible for this tiny little being from now on! That's the moment when I felt truly grown up! The bond is created bit by bit every day…it takes time…for now, enjoy your special moments together. Hugs to you and the little one!

  26. Congratulations!! Now that you are a mum, no matter how big she grows she will always be your baby !!! Becoming a parent will change your perspective, now all your decisions will hv your princess's interest first!! I am sure you will be great mum and no matter what world says listen to your motherly instinct, you will never go wrong !!

  27. Congrats Naba. I love to read your blogs. Its been 4 years I am mother of a daughter…and what I learnt is u got to be Strong.. Emotionally and physically. eat well and have fun with your angel. Btw whats her name??

  28. Congrats Naba. I love to read your blogs. Its been 4 years I am mother of a daughter…and what I learnt is u got to be Strong.. Emotionally and physically. eat well and have fun with your angel. Btw whats her name??

  29. Thanks Shanaya 🙂
    I had read this quote earlier too but I guess I'll understand the full meaning of it starting now…
    It's a new feeling and I'm still coming to terms with it, discovering new aspects that I didn't know I had or could feel…

  32. I cannot imagine a more honest account of this transition. And Naba like all your posts you have not turned your back on this emotion as well. The whole pregnancy is just a part to finally the moment of not able to see the girl for 24 hours. I don't know how but you melted my very heart at the whole prospect.. I believe I would be this.. whenever that happens 🙂

    Richa

  33. I can try and understand what you must have felt…It's such a different feeling no? I couldn't recognize myself…I just wanted her near me!
    Thanks for dropping by and sharing your thoughts Hema

  37. I'm also waiting for the sun Rachna…The weather has been so bad these days…
    I nursed her in the NICU and I couldn't stop crying thinking that I have to leave her there..Can't wait to meet you too 🙂

  39. So many stories but there is something common among all, we all feel things differently and can be honest about it too…Thanks for dropping by Anamika >3

  41. Oh I know how bad it feels to see the eyes covered…It broke my heart…And I literally begged them to let m see her every few hours…so tough!

    Thanks for dropping by 🙂

  42. Thanks Lata..

    Oh I hate the blood tests too, they are so tiny…I just hope she gets better soon and the next blood test comes fine

  44. Thanks so much Tulika 🙂 I'm also apprehensive and excited about this journey..Will surely share my experiences here and also seek your experience for the future 🙂

  45. Oh I agree Ruchi…I guess they know it;s okay but us being mothers feel the doctors and nurses need to be more delicate in handling our babies 🙂

    Thanks for the good wishes 🙂

  48. You said it Esha….the bond is created bit by bit…Nice to know about the first moment you felt it…For each of us it's different I guess but equally special..Thanks 🙂

  49. Oh I hope so Sangeeta…I hope I don't make mistakes that harm her… Thanks for your wishes and words of wisdom 🙂

  51. Thanks Richa, glad you felt that way…And yes I have a feeling you would be this too, when it happens 🙂

  52. Hi Nabanita,
    That was a very riveting account of your journey of motherhood, so far. I was thinking how I'd react if I were a mother. I couldn't imagine it being any different.

    And before I forget : Many Congratulations!
    Gurdev

  54. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! I have no idea how it feels like and I will probably never do. But one thing I am sure of is that seeing your loved one in pain is the most difficult thing in this world. I probably might feel the same if my husband was troubled. 🙂

  55. Congratulations and I am sure your baby girl is well now. Cherish the Aha moment – even if it came laden with tears – for there are all too few of them in life.

  56. Congratulations…Very well written…I have been through similar situation but as a doctor only…your side of the story is emotionally more appealing. Jaundice on day 5 that resolved on 1 day phototherapy, is something not to be worried about…Good luck…the feeling will keep growing stronger…

  57. Lots of love to you and your baby girl:-) My first born was a girl too, and my second is a boy. Its lovely, enjoy the feeling…they grow up soooo fast…. All the best dear naba:-)

  63. Thanks Eli…Yes, they do so I have heard..Will try and make as many memories and live as many moments as I can 🙂

  70. This is so wonderful, first of all congratulation and yea I am a bit biased too so hi five you got a baby girl.
    As I read your post, I felt so connected to you and could feel the emotions you went through, so much so that the fact when u explained u needed permission to see your daughter, a tear came out.
    Its the biggest blessing from God to be a mother, I am sure you will be a lovely mother and will bring her up in great values. Good luck to this new journey of yours I am sure you will smile through this new life . 🙂 

    http://www.dclementia.blogspot.in

  71. Congratulations Nabanita…..And many many blessings to your little bundle of joy…..As I read your post, I went down the memory lane….seven years ago, when my son was born….and then two years back, when my daughter came…..Motherhood is different for different people, I guess…..When we were planning for the first time, there were so many anxious moments…..and the first time I felt something move inside me, the first time I saw the heart beat on that ultrasound….and the first time I felt the hiccups inside…I had become a mother….It is such a joyful journey, it make you cry, it makes you smile…..Life changes forever after that…there is no turning back…..Wish you lots and lots of luck on the tough journey that parenting is….and enjoy the ride……!

  75. Life does change for ever, doesn't it? I hope I can do justice to this role and give her a good life…Thanks for visiting 🙂

  78. Congratulations to you and S! God bless the lil one!
    Jaundice is pretty common in kids, so dont worry, I know you cant help it though! That's mommyhood does to all of us! Welcome to the M club and congrats for the tangy pick too, Nabanita ♥

  79. Big Congratulations to you Nabanita. This new born jaundice thing is very common, my little one also had it on his second day and it was scary for me for sometime. But then I was there in the hospital and saw many babies under the blue light.
    My story of that mother moment was rather a sad one when my bub kept on howling for food and I was helpless and couldn't feed him. That was so so painful to see your baby crying for hunger and you cant feed them!

  82. Thanks Shilpa <3
    I guess I'm learning how it feels to be a mother and now everything a mother says or does is starting to make sense to me 🙂

  83. Oh Bluey had it too, is it?
    I guess we all have our own way of feeling that first beat of motherhood and it's quite an overwhelming feeling..I'm still trying to get the hang of feeding her…
    Wish us both all the best in this journey 🙂

  85. The second half of your post made me cry, but the first half of your post made me cheer you for having a life apart from pregnancy while you were pregnant. Rakhee

  86. congratulations for the baby girl, very intresting to read about your experience, I felt real moment as a mother, when my child was kicking inside happily recognising sounds, it was fun to observe and yes, I did worked till the last day for both my kids… my daughter had jaundice and it was very painful for me to be separated; I literally cried and for my son since he was downs baby he was very small and hardly cried, in fact never cried at birth he had to be tapped on his back to cry… and I felt highly insecure because I did know what will my son be like..every child is different and so is the experience; so enjoy the experience its a beautiful feeling to hear the word "Mamma" 🙂

  87. congratulations for the baby girl, very intresting to read about your experience, I felt real moment as a mother, when my child was kicking inside happily recognising sounds, it was fun to observe and yes, I did worked till the last day for both my kids… my daughter had jaundice and it was very painful for me to be separated; I literally cried and for my son since he was downs baby he was very small and hardly cried, in fact never cried at birth he had to be tapped on his back to cry… and I felt highly insecure because I did know what will my son be like..every child is different and so is the experience; so enjoy the experience its a beautiful feeling to hear the word "Mamma" 🙂

  89. Congrats Naba!! I can say this is beginning of Motherhood!! I had same feeling when My daughter had Jaundice, I was also thinking why happened this to my daughter!! but then everything was ok!! I just landed to on you page and I must say I would love to read other posts as well!

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