Why do I dance? Why do mothers dance? 

The other day, we were talking about this at the Sunatya studio. Mothers in our batch were talking about why they dance. The underlying sentiment was to do something for themselves whether to relax or to just centre themselves after juggling several roles. It got me thinking. It made me realise why I dance is not just a question about dance. It’s a question about women and their choice to live life their way. Why do I dance? Because the answer is a metaphor for living life the way I want to.

For some reason, the perception is that women atrophy after a certain age or that they should martyr themselves for everyone else. That the lives of women are afterthoughts and that they stop living for themselves as they get older, rather they should stop living for themselves. Whether ageing, through marriage or upon having children, life seems to end for a woman after crossing these thresholds. But why? Why is it assumed that we will sacrifice? It is true that women, a majority of women, give up a lot for the family even today. But why should we have to? What if we don’t want to? 

So, why do I dance? To hold on to myself.

I had vowed to continue being who I am and living for myself after getting married or even choosing to become a mother. More than that, I never believed that I needed to stifle my wants and dreams for others. Being a wife, a mother, or a daughter is not my entire identity. I never intend to forget that while I play all these different roles. The fact is, I’m not just a sum total of these roles but more, they do not represent me in my entirety. It doesn’t mean I don’t fulfil my responsibilities or that I don’t want to play any of these parts, but it also doesn’t imply I live my life as the sacrificial lamb. 

Being a wife, a mother, or a daughter is not my entire identity.

It is one of the reasons why I continued blogging and writing throughout my pregnancy and even after giving birth. I won’t say it is easy, but if I stop doing what I love, then where does that leave me? If I’m unhappy and unfulfilled, what kind of an example I’m setting for my daughter? Won’t that tell her that she only has till her 20s to live, and after that, her life isn’t her own? I don’t want that.

Why do I dance? Because the answer is a metaphor for living life the way I want to. Click To Tweet

Granted at every step of life responsibilities increase. They are bound to. For women, it is not only paid but unpaid labour as well. With everything you need to take care of finding time for yourself becomes harder. More often than not, it is after doing everything that you can get those few minutes to yourself, if at all. That is why it is important not to compromise on what you want. Snatch every second you can find to do something unapologetically for yourself. Women need to stop listening to those who say their lives are not their own or there’s nothing new on offer for them after a certain stage.

Dancing is a metaphor for living life the way I want to.

Every decade of life has something to offer with its fair share of challenges. Do you stop living because you turn 30 or 40 or 50? No. Men don’t so why should you? You don’t want to become a bitter person who looks back at life, resenting everyone because you couldn’t do what you wanted. I don’t want that for myself ever. I don’t want to put that burden on my daughter as well. It is not pleasant to have an unhappy mother or parent, for that matter. What lesson am I imparting to my daughter if I don’t live for myself?

Motherhood is tough, and it is all-encompassing. It takes your time and saps your energy. You don’t get sick days when you are responsible for another life. But you need to make time and live for yourself too. Whether reading late into the night when everyone at home is asleep or taking a sick day from work to indulge in what you like, you must find ways to be who you are. You need to cultivate hobbies and keep doing things just for yourself. 

It is one of the reasons I continued working once M was born. Not working was never on the table. There is no love lost between me and the corporate world that I inhabit. But it gives me independence and the ability to do what I want. I had to trade the gift of time to be able to do that, but I don’t think I would have been happy otherwise. It’s not easy and the policies don’t make it any easier. The lack of parity is something that exasperates me every single day. However, as long as I can, I intend to keep endeavouring to survive in that world. I know too well that I would have regretted my decision had I stopped working. I don’t think it would have been painless or pleasant to wake up one day after M is 18 and realise I didn’t do anything for myself. 

It’s the same with writing a book when M was just a baby. I always wanted to write. I’m proud of myself for doing it. Letters in Ice, for me, was another way to hold on to myself and my dreams. I fulfilled one of my visions. It mattered. It matters.

With dancing, it was going back to my childhood. Higher education and moving to a different city for college stopped Kathak for me. But restarting again was a choice I made. I’m so glad I did. So, why do I dance? To remind myself that I’m more than a mother. My dancing is my way of holding on to myself, reminding myself that what I like is important too and my life can be and should be more than being a mother, a wife or a daughter.

When I see women who have let life pass by without doing anything for themselves, it breaks my heart. If you notice, it is always the women who give up and it is packaged as a decision taken for the family’s betterment. Why don’t we see more men making such decisions then? Moving abroad. It’s the woman giving up her job. A need to raise kids. It’s the women taking sabbaticals. Why not men? I’ll tell you. It is because it is believed women are meant for sacrifice and somewhere women internalise it too. And we are on the path of the least resistance. Let’s renounce what we want to make it easier for the family, to avoid discomfort or painful conversations. But no matter how much women are led to believe that they were the ones to decide to give up careers or hobbies either for kids or their families, the remorse is inevitable. Unless the choice is truly yours, can you honestly be happy with it? 

We all have to make compromises in life and at times, give up things but shouldn’t we get to decide what and how much? 

The loss, the regret and the angst that comes with only living for others and it does inevitably, I do not want for myself. I don’t want much but the ability to do what I like, to live my life like I want to. My life is my own. My time is my own. I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t intend to martyr myself.

So, I’ll dance, I’ll read and do everything I want to do because I want to live too until I die and not be martyred just because I am a woman.

I’ll leave you with the below quote. That’s all for today. Ciao

“When women lose themselves, the world loses its way. We do not need more selfless women. What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world’s expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves. What we need are women who are full of themselves. A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done. She lets the rest burn.”

― Glennon Doyle, Untamed