You Wanted Independence, Didn’t You?

Women’s Mental Load and the Hidden Cost of Equality

Picture this.

A woman wakes up before everyone else in the house. Before the rest of the family even wakes up, she is packing lunches, checking school schedules, and making sure the day can run smoothly in her absence. Or rather, during the few hours she dares to do the things that supposedly make her “independent.”

Wasn’t getting an education and a job supposed to buy her independence, not another shift?

Only after everything is in place does she step out to begin her paid workday. Her independence is somehow contingent on first being the unpaid manager of the household.

If she works from home, the boundaries blur even further. Between meetings, deadlines, and performance reviews, she oversees lunch, helps with homework, manages tuition schedules, arranges snacks, plans dinner, coordinates with domestic help or cooks herself, serves meals, cleans up, and prepares for the next day.

If the maid or cook is unavailable, she quietly takes over those responsibilities too. Because apparently she just loves piling more work onto herself. After all, she often has to hear, “Who asked you to do so much?”

In many households, all of this unfolds while her equally employed husband or partner focuses primarily on his job. Nobody should disturb the male species when he is on a work call, right?

And if she dares to express exhaustion, frustration, or the need for a more equitable division of labour, the response often comes swiftly.

“You wanted independence, didn’t you?”

Five words.

Casual. Dismissive. Devastating.

Because hidden within them is an uncomfortable assumption. That a woman’s decision to work somehow absolves everyone else of responsibility at home. That earning a salary is her choice, and therefore the burden of managing both a career and a household is hers alone to bear.

Men who work are rarely expected to justify their careers. Their professional ambitions are treated as normal.

Women’s ambitions, on the other hand, often come with terms and conditions attached.

Work if you want to, but don’t let anything at home suffer.

Earn your own money, but don’t expect help.

Be independent, but don’t stop being responsible for everyone else.

So one has to ask. Was women’s entry into the workforce truly a step towards independence? Or was it simply an expansion of responsibilities, with paid work added to an already endless list of unpaid ones?

And why, decades after women entered the workforce in large numbers, are so many of us still paying the price for a freedom that men receive by default?

All through the day, there are countless moments when women are forced to walk a tightrope between maintaining a home and meeting the demands of their jobs. The balancing act is so constant that it often becomes invisible, even to the women performing it.

A man on a work call is generally expected to focus entirely on the call. If he is interrupted, he can openly express his annoyance because everyone understands that he is working. More importantly, there is rarely a voice in the back of his mind reminding him of the ten other things that also need his attention.

A woman on that same call, however, might simultaneously approve a MyGate notification, tie her child’s hair, answer the doorbell, respond to a school message, or tell the cook what to prepare for dinner. She is expected to be fully present at work while remaining permanently available for the household.

Do you see the difference?

It isn’t simply about doing more tasks. It is about carrying the mental responsibility of noticing, remembering, planning, anticipating, and coordinating them. The interruptions may seem insignificant in isolation, but together they fragment attention, drain energy, and become the invisible tax women pay every single day.

I often think of these as microaggressions embedded in everyday life. Not necessarily because any individual intends harm, but because society has normalised the expectation that women will absorb these responsibilities without complaint. The result is a constant background stress that becomes so familiar that nobody notices it anymore.

And when the strain inevitably shows, the response is often predictable.

“Who asked you to do it all?”

Or worse, she is labelled difficult, disgruntled, or incapable of coping.

But that argument conveniently ignores one crucial question.

If she doesn’t do it, who will?

The school form still needs to be signed. The groceries still need to be ordered. The uniforms still need to be washed. Dinner still needs to appear on the table.

These tasks do not magically disappear simply because someone points out that nobody explicitly assigned them.

Do women enjoy piling work onto themselves? Do we find multitasking exhilarating?

Of course not.

Most women aren’t trying to do everything.

They’re trying to stop everything from falling apart.

And do you think women don’t experience work stress?

Society often behaves as though they don’t. Because in those vulnerable moments when a woman admits she is exhausted, wishes she could simply rest, or confesses that she cannot keep doing it all, the response arrives almost on cue.

“You wanted independence, didn’t you?”

Well, of course she did.

She wanted independence because she deserves it, just as men do.

But where, exactly, in the fine print did it say that a woman’s independence is only valid if she continues to serve as patriarchy’s unpaid maid?

Because that isn’t independence.

That’s simply unpaid labour with a salary attached.

I was recently on a call with another woman, collaborating on a proposal. We were racing against time, trying to build something that met the required standards. Throughout the call, I watched her seamlessly switch between contributing thoughtful ideas to the presentation, telling the maid what needed to be done, reminding her children what they needed to study, and planning a doctor’s visit.

She never once stopped working.

She simply kept working on everything.

So when I say women are constantly balancing multiple worlds, I don’t say it for effect. I say it because I have seen it play out over almost two decades in the workforce.

And when I say men have it easier in this regard, they do.

Their independence doesn’t come with terms and conditions attached. They are not expected to be the eternal jugglers. They are not asked, “Who asked you to be independent?” when they admit they are stressed. Their paid work is allowed to be all consuming, while women are expected to carry the invisible baton of multitasking without dropping it, all while being ridiculed for wanting the same independence men have always taken for granted.

So tell me.

If independence is a right for men, why is it still treated like a privilege women have to earn every single day?